in the middle

In the middle of the 4 week cloud - floating by....

Time is going faster that I would like it to, but my resolve right now is super duper. Going to try and charge right in at 6AM November 9th and make both doctors laugh. at the very least. That's my main goal. If i can make them laugh, or at least smile- then I can go into anesthesia one happy woman with 2 surgeons who take pride on operating on such a hilarious person.

But seriously- Coming to grips with what November 10th will bring- making sure plans are set.
I have opted for the sentinel node biopsy in the "good side" - which juuuust makes sure there's no cancer there - just a precaustion. It means though I have to visit the hospital the night before my surgery and get injected with blue stuff to make the lymph nodes show up overnight. That would mean driving at night, then coming back home, and then making the 50 mile one way trip all over again early next morning.
Maybe we'll get a hotel room close to the hospital?
Who knows?
I just like plans in place and I'm trying to coordinate a million schedules and people. It's a little overwhelming as I get closer.

Been feeling alright though- the chemo leaving my body is a grand feeling.

GRAND.


It is not leaving without a fight though- leaving my bones and neuropathy fun to play painfully inside me.
But some times I feel great. So I like those, because they haven't been around for a while.
Hot flashes- forget it- they are getting hotter and flashier. No end in sight for those yet.

Last weekend was the beach getaway in Ocean City Maryland- Mark and I took advantage of 2 days with no kids and we loafed and relaxed. My legs hurt the whole time- but it was a sweet break from a 2 year old alarm clock. Nice room, I am the most comfy in a nice hotel room- and it was blessed. I got to see my old roommate Jay from when I lived in OC 14 years ago, we had a drink and shared a nice hug before he left for Thailand for the winter.

We arrived home on Saturday afternoon- calling my mom with about 10 minutes left before we got to the children, she says that Melody tripped on the carpet and isn't walking right. Great.
So before we actually go home, it means a trip to the Urgent Care Clinic to see what's wrong with Melody.  The nurse there told me I looked great for going through chemo- which just made my day.
I now have wrestled a 2 year old to successfully x-ray her leg and for that i should get a trophy. They also made me wear a radiation bib to keep me protected from the radiation. Ya know- it might cause cancer.
It was just a sprain- she was about and her usual tasmanian devil self the very next day.
As we were sitting in the ER, Azalea kept coughing and i felt her head and found she had 103 fever too.
Not home yet and 2 kids are down for the count.
We had the ACS Making Strides Walk the next day- hopefully they would be alright.

Azalea woke up ok, Melody was fine and we walked as Team FUNK Cancer, in memory of Tatum's mom Judy  in our awesome red shirts complimented nicely by some sweet pink bracelets Bethany made.
We stood out in our fierce red..... I even got too hot for my head scarf and took it off in public for the very first time ever. Showed off my pretty Joe Girardi haircut.
As we walked, I heard a woman comment behind us "At least wear SOME pink and support the cause...." to her friend about our team. Wow. Good luck with all that.
Overall it was a great walk, 20K people showed up, and besides the obnoxious and inappropriate dance party that made the breast cancer walk and memories of the fallen into a totally Jerseylicious wedding  - it was a gorgeous day spent with some awesome women, my family and the beach!!
Thank you too for supporting our cause!

 Now let's find a cause!!!!

The latest latest is that I have finally hooked up with the last of the crowned heads of treatment- I visited Dr. D , my radiation oncologist.
I am going closer for these since I have to get rads every day for 5 weeks (except saturdays , sundays and holidays - UPS style) and there's no way I am driving to Mount Holly for a 5 minute trip through Radiation City every day.
My father had Dr. D and just praised him up and down and always spoke highly of him. He used to work at Fox Chase back in the day too before he became local here at the Jersey Shore. He is also a Yankees fan and I know his wife and I had children a month apart. I remembered all of this from my dad so meeting the doc was instant friendship. He mentioned what a great person my dad was which really made my heart warm. I felt my dad sitting there with me.
His first words to me were "You are too young to be sitting here."
I love him and his staff- Just great people.
We went through all the ins and outs- but there can't be any real evaluation yet since I haven't had surgery yet. And I have to heal up completely before I start radiation.
I'm a rare bird I'm finding being prescribed the neo-adjuvant chemo (before surgery) . People ask me why in the world my oncologist is doing that- and I'm finding that it is not really that standard.
It's eliminating any and all stray metastasis that may have been floating through my body waiting to make me Stage IV first since this cancer was so advanced when it was discovered. So they bomb the hell out my whole body with the biggest most toxic stuff they have- and then surgery to cut out the remnants.
So that is the reason for my neo-adjuvant chemo.
If you'd like to read more about neo-adjuvant chemotherapy, please visit your local library.
I hear stage IIIA, but it could be or initially was IIIB or C. Noone will ever really know until the Holy Pathology comes back. That pathology report is the golden envelope like they have at the Oscars. There we find out what . it. is. or was. It's probably the scariest part of this whole thing. Getting results. The Node Number. The node number is the big number and a major marker in the chances of this cancer coming back. They keep a closer eye on you the more positive nodes they find. I had asked Phyllis once if the chemo had killed a node's cancer- would it still show up as being affected and she said maybe and sometimes. So they will be able to see hopefully what the chemo got. It biopsied positive for breast cancer- that shitshow- so something was in there. That thing in my armpit is just ugh- grossing me out more and more too. Yuck.
And it's scary too not having the chemo and being without a net for 4 weeks. I'm pretty sure my insides look like Beirut in the 70s at this point. Whatever might still be in there is a tough little bitch.
But nothing will be left, I am confident.
I still want to see the tumor though.

I hate waiting on pathology reports- the 9 days I spent waiting for my diagnosis was torture.

As this chemo leaves my body- I mourn the loss of the Yankees epic season.
As I have stated this entire blog- they started their epic season the day I started chemo.
And as of October 9th- they lost every game from the 10th on.
I feel like I should send them a nice thank you card to the team at least.




alas - i have written a novel~

thanks for hanging with me so far...
xo


b

hello autumn chill.

It's really nice to not have to worry about being in a LabCorp waiting room today.

Slowly coming out of the last chemo fog- it's been kinda crappy this week- less hot flashes- but oh boy the bone pain and neuropathy have been terrible.
Legs hurt so bad by 9PM I have to lie down in bed- hobbling everywhere.
and my energy is zilch.
Just tired all the time.
Having an issue with my hands- not being able to feel them 100% is weird.
And I'm dropping stuff.
holding a pen is a little difficult too.
I got through an especially tough work week where by 10AM I was on the road to Shitsville. ugh.
It is now the autumn season- time for punkins and cider and Halloween- summer just blew right past me. Faster than I would have imagined. It seems as it was just yesterday I had no air conditioning and had just started chemo. Now it's chilly, and I'm finding solace in tall boots.
Boots in general.
It's wearing them that just makes you feel like you got the power to kick anything's ass. And boots are always fabulous.
I haven't been able to shop for anything to match the boots though because I won't know my clothing size after the belly and boob surgery- it's kind of hard to figure out what will fit. I wing it for now.

It's a little odd having a next week without chemo. I got so used to the anticipating Monday drive, the routine, the copays- I feel like I got laid off from a job. lol.
I'll take it though. Even though it has taken such a toll on my head and body.
Glad to be done- glad it's over and I don't ever want that shit going through my veins ever again.

Monday I meet Dr. D'Ambrosio, my radiation oncologist.
Close to home in Toms River- he's the last stop of this crazy train of doctors and treatment and cancer for now.
I feel like I'm at the end and beginning all at the same time. Very overwhelming some times, I am constantly amazed at the community around me, and all that this has created. I am gratefully very tired. lol.
It's not without the creeping feelings and a racing mind of course, but I'm getting by and having the best time with my husband and kids as much as I can in these last few weeks of the most normalcy I'll see for a while...

On this chilly Saturday, I hope we can empty out the summer garden containers and treat the dirt and soil with some fresh compost and get some tulip bulbs planted today. The kids could use to get some brisk Jersey fall air in their blood and have some fun.
You are an elusive one, Saturday energy........................................................................................







(and go yankees!!! hooray!)

the day without a number

Look! no number!

Feels good to be done with it- although it's after effects have started seeping through the walls like the end of Amityville Horror.
I went home with a set of terribly painful legs that came back to pay a visit. I thought I was done with the bone pain.
No.
Last night was pretty bad too.
I don't expect to feel too good for the next few days either. I wonder what it will be like as this drug leaves my system slowly.
Surgery is going to be here before I know it.
I have 4 weeks to eat as much of the leafy greens as possible, and talking to myself to keep the tumors at bay until they get cut out.
It feels so good to know that finally FINALLY I will be rid of that internal mass of mutation that's captured my breast and eaten it whole.
I got to speak with my nurse navigator Barbara today and we talked about surgery- basically I'll be in there at 6am- and off they go. It's a pretty intricate thing -It's called a DIEP flap surgery...  having to preserve blood supply and vessels needing to  be attached and sewn together - the blood supply is monitored for 24 hours and eek- I'm glad someone studied very hard in medical school and loves their work.
I'll have 6 drains, which are tubes coming out of my body and collecting the lymphatic fluids since my lymphatic system is all cut up and has a little proverbial sign on it that says "please pardon our appearance as we renovate". I'll have to empty the drains and tubes and need help keeping them clean. Joyous details I'm sure you are all happy to learn of. Far from anything colored pink, that's for sure.
Eventually the drains come out. and I'm on the road to getting my body back to normal. Radiation is all that's left after surgery- and we'll be well on our road to rebuilding the new me.
I keep my eyes on the prize right now of getting the plastic surgery of a boob job and tummy tuck I'd never get otherwise. It's that that's keeping me laughing.
Not to mention the ice cream that's been giving me a nice spare tire. If I'm going to have a boob job- I'm gonna make it count with ice cream. Hormone free of course.
win win.

Overall- I'm done with a huge part of the war. I have my hair coming back, my body on it's way to regrowth after the nuclear bombing of shock and awe to my endocrine system, heart, bones, reproductive organs, brain, blood, and all the other gook and gunk inside.
Now I have to write a living will. and a real will too for that matter.
I'm off all drugs from here on out till anesthesia and this cancer shit goes AWAY.
AWAY.
Oh I am so excited!!!!
BRING ON THE KNIFE.
Here we go!



GO YANKEES!

DAY140. DONE.

DAY140
LAST DAY OF CHEMO.

Whoa boy.
I made it.
I AM ALL DONE.

Got a vein the first time- even some more tumor shrinkage in the breast tumor.
Mark and Azalea came with me and Beth came to see me too. It was a light day in the chemo room- all breast cancer cases- all 3 of us.
The woman across from me had the same surgeon, plastic surgeon and surgery I'll be having- and praised their work. She called them artists.
Cemented that just then right for me.
No more being scared of surgery.
Done with chemo- and 4 weeks till the Shitshow says a hearty good bye.
The other lady was on her third go around of breast cancer- she brought her husband who was a huge fan of Ted Nugent. It was a great and small last chemo visit- good conversation and hugs.

Bonnie had her chemo the day before and left me a really nice card and a pair of earrings. It was really sweet of her to do that. I got hugs from all the nurses on my way out, the receptionist and I even ambushed my oncologist.
Just one more subsequent week of crappy side effects- and then I slowly get better.
the bone pain has come back in full force, but it's looking like the hurricane spared my toenails and fingernails for the most part. hooray.
Neuropathy is a new friend....

Done with chemo- onward to surgery-here we go.
1 more crappy week.

I also got an appointment to meet with my radiation oncologist close to home here- I got the same guy my dad had- and the appointment is on his birthday.
I'll be doing the rads close to home here in Toms River- so an end in sight is due for all this driving.

go yankees.

pretty pink lights.

DAY138

Feelin' mighty awesome today inside. Got a really nice visit from our Colorado family Bob and Pattie last night- they brought cookies.
I managed to repay the kindess by getting up and out early and getting them the good donuts you have to drive a half hour for. They deserved it :)

Yesterday I found myself having to go for a blood test since I missed the lab Friday.
I had a woman take my blood who I saw a few weeks ago- she was asking me about Virtua and Fox Chase and me having to drive 50 miles out of my way for my treatments- to which I attested that I would absolutely not stay local and my decision sits well with me.
She took my blood again yesterday and she whispered to me that she just found out she had liver cancer.

another one?

This girl was easily younger than me- at least 25 but not older than 30 at all. She was talking low since her work didn't know yet. Crap.
There are too many young people getting cancer.

I told her to do what she feels best and go with her gut. She didn't know what to do between Sloan Kettering and Fox Chase.
Or stay local.
I hope she's all right. I left there really upset for her that she has to go through this shit.
Doesn't matter where your tumors decide to set up shop or what color the ribbon is- it all sucks.

and despite the ribbon being pink- it still has such a nice comforting feel to it when you see it.

a cute pink ribbon.and pretty.

Above is my video of the newscaster last night commenting on how pretty the George Washington Bridge looked all lit up in pink.
and that is why we need to stop pinkwashing this disease.
Cure all cancer.
and none of it is pretty.


at all.


xo









(go yankees)

home stretch

DAY136
Today I get my last blood weekly blood test (for chemo at least) done.
I'm in and out of these usually in 5 minutes, but it's just another place to go and I'm glad I won't have to go there anymore. for chemo at least.
This Taxol kicked my butt again - Wed-Thur and Today was crappy chemo side effect day. I do manage to get in at least some good time at work and I just go home when I start to feel real bad. Then I go home and literally collapse on the couch. The kids usually have me with one eye open so rest eludes me sometimes.
The constant need to be drinking water gets old too. I'll go a few hours and get scared. lol.
My appetite has been blah too.
But yeah- now it's rock n roll hydration. every day and every night.
I have a trip for the chiropractor too lined up for today- It helps immensely with the sludgy ache of everything lately.
Sludgy.
That's pretty much the best word for it.

Hair I think is here to stay- it's a short short fuzz- but growing. I can almost make it look messy. almost!
No eyelashes or new eyebrows yet.
My nails have been behaving thanks to the Fort Knox of nail polish applications. They still hurt though, as well as the neuropathy surging through the day with the burning hands and numb fingers.
I can't wait till this is out of my system and over with.
My guts have had enough of feeling like the underneath of the NJ Turnpike around Exit 13. Close by where the dumping grounds of John Malkovich's head is ... kinda.

Sludgy.
Almost done.
4.more.days.

sandpaper days

DAY135

Yankees clinched the AL East last night.
It gets me very emotional.
I love that it happened sweeping the Bosox- to me- it's been helping in walking tall through this all. Fighting, saying to my dad ""See what we can do?" and enjoying a really great baseball season. They won that game last night 14-2 and I woke up from a tough sleep to see that.
The end of that game? - That's me and my dad winning right there.
Little victories.
I want them to hang tough and win the world series.
Man, you wanna see me cry?

In these last days of chemical treatment- I see that I have changed. I might not be so rosy and fluffy in my embracing cancer- but I still embrace it despite what I might project.
Grace has gone to the wayside most recently in showing the abhorrant business practices of the profiteers out for $, my white hot anger over it all, why I and millions of other women (and men too) have had to suffer.
Sometimes I feel that it was my fault. and this is what I get for waiting for my annual.I know I shouldn't do that though. It wasn't my fault.
WAS NOT.
Mind you I was in the doctors office twice in the 5 months prior to diagnosis and I felt something wasn't right and I was passed off by medical professonals as it being no big deal. Once I spent 7 hours in an ER - noone could figure out why I was having breathing problems.
All in all- noone could say if I delayed my own breast cancer discovery. I live with that every day in my head.
So yeah- I'm not the most enjoyable of people to be around right now- this is the end of a very long process.
and I'm rough around the edges.
But I walk with love, I fight the killer inside me, and I accept every day.
I don't want to alienate anyone- or scare anyone with what cancer really looks like.
I was told my picture below was shocking. But if at least 1 person can look at that- be horrified and go schedule an appt.- then I did my duty. It ain't pretty, that's for sure.
It's 6am right now and I can't sleep- it's keeping me up thinking about all this stuff. I would have stayed in bed only to keep hitting a snooze button and sweating the hot flash boogie as always. I had to get it out here.
I see you reading this blog every day as the hit counter rises- This is it. It won't always be 'pink', or a declaration of a good day- I have bad days, worse days and anger too. I never know what every day will bring so I just roll with it.

I am at the end of one of many forks in the road. I am grateful for every day, I am grateful for everyone around me and all the family in my life, and I am grateful for cancer.
Yeah- it's a f***ing asshole- but I am still thankful for the lessons I learn every day.
I hate it. I loathe it inside me. I don' enjoy what this cancer has created- but I'm fighting.
every.
day.
I am just a little made of sandpaper lately.
I love you all very very much.
and
Go yankees!!!!
xo

octoberrrrrr.

(i love this version)

DAY133 part 2

I had to dedicate one post to how I feel about October. (part1 below)
Just not a fan.
and I look forward to being reminded of it every year.

Azalea ended September as she always does - with a birthday and she is now 10!
I managed to include my entire family's birthdays within this chemo run. what a feat!

So my 11th Taxol took place Monday. Vietnam Vet Guy with lymphoma from Agent Orange was there, as was Bonnie the Cheeto lady, and I met a 90 year old woman who wasn't even grey yet (she started her chemo recently and hadn't lost her hair yet).  She told us she has been married for 67 years!
I also sat next to another woman who had breast cancer, had the lumpectomy and in the lymph node removal - they found a tiny bit the size of a pepper flake in ONE. so she had to do a round of the same chemo regimen I did. She was on Taxol #5 and had the AC too.
Her husband talked the whole time. lol.
I did this chemo trip solo.- I didn't take the Ativan but the drive home kinda sucked nonetheless. Tired.
I did get some time to think and reflect and be with my thoughts. and enjoy the sun coming through the trees as I drove down Magnolia Road.

My WBC counts also jumped way back up to 3.9!!!
They never question it, and always praise the numbers, so I'm doing good.
I am making it a point to visit the chiropractor as much as I can- it's been great in how much Dr. G helps.
When he cracks my back, it sounds like someone stepping on a bag of kettle chips. Good for the lymphatics!
and...drum rolls please.....
NEXT WEEK IS MY LAST CHEMO.
and guess what?
It's October 9th.

9 again.

So I plan on getting my makeup on and favorite wig and do my chemo and dance out of that hallway when I am done. Azalea wants to go too.

So happy to end this countdown of days for a change. 133 is a lot so far.
only 7 more to go. 7!!!!!!!!!

and we want the Yankees to kick some Bosox butt tonight.

Feelin' ok- tired as always.
I decided to just say whatevs and finally post a picture of my true look. I was a little self conscious about doing this- but that's my stupid ego again..... but I hope people can take something away from it and either make it a point to possibly do a self exam, schedule that annual you keep putting off, or be inspired to join the fight for the cause. No girl should have to look like Joe Girardi.
My post below (part 1) has a nifty set of links for all sorts of action and in theme of what october really should stand for.
Find a cause, find a cure.
so here i am::
Me in May- right after chemo #1( I miss that hair!)




 June (when eyebrows ruled the world)


Today

and today after applying an hour of eye glitter. I just don't wake up like that, ya know.
Purple Jean Shrimpton!


So there ya go. That's what I really look like under the top hat.
This is what cancer drugs to do you.
You can kind of see my hair growing out in its little fuzziness. It's splotchy between patches of grey, white and dark brown.
I have probably 10 eyelashes left total and not much eyebrows.
and steroids like to give you acne too.
yay. gorgeous. :)

Doing ok though- the bone pain has been taking a sweet vacation and not visiting as much- my hands and feet are burning more each day- but no loss of function.
good.
Ready for the  next to the last of the crashes tomorrow.....


xo

Pinktober is upon us.

DAY133

Merry Pinktober.
Where breast cancer ribbons show up on everything from processed cheese food slices to handguns.
Nothing says cure like a ham wrapped in pink plastic in the deli section of stop n shop.
And my personal favorite of the week:

Hope is a beautiful thing.
All these products I hope to use again one day?
Because I have no period, my hair fell out, I don't need to shave all that often (no hair)  and that aluminum in deodorant I don't subscribe too anyway.
Please do not get me wrong- I applaud the efforts of any fundraiser whose drive is based in helping others instead of corporate greed. But this ad is not curing cancer. and adding "Do it for the girls" just ups the tasteless level. not to mention that if you follow the donation path in this coupon book- it'll take you 50 million coupons to raise that amount of money because it states 1 cent goes from every coupon redeemed to "early detection".  It sucks when your cancer is exploited for profit.

In this month of Breast Cancer Awareness or as some call it "Pinktober", "Screwtober", "Pinktoberfest"- where everything just goes overboard and little money is actually sent to 'research'- there is a LOT of greed.
There are other ways to be aware, like self exams (mammograms do not always detect tumors!!) , getting regular check ups with thorough examination and paying attention to your body's signals...Noone is immune. And this is an EPIDEMIC.  Men and women.
I put off my annual exam. I wish I hadn't. But no pink ribbon ever made me want to do it either.
I just kept saying "ok- when I have time.....I'll make that appointment".
...... would they have found it earlier? who knows? Maybe.
And I'm not the only person who has dealt with breast cancer disgusted by this month and it's holiday like cause marketing. There are MANY of us.

Noone has a cause for it, and there still is no cure. Many empty promotions find themselves in the light around October. Many who do very much good as well. Research where the money is going and ask questions if you are looking to donate to the cause.
This blog post is an excellent breakdown of numbers of where Komen donates their money. It is not as much as one might think.
Think before you Pink.

While all of this is great, I am subscribing to Susan Love's "Blog for Love" pledge.
It's where I tell you to enact your help into putting to action for breast cancer research :
From Susan Love's facebook:
How do I Act with Love?
Despite the reigning success of Breast Cancer Awareness Month and millions of dollars raised, we still have very little knowledge about breast cancer.  Now is the time to shift the discussion from awareness to pinpointing the cause and accelerating prevention--and you can help!  Turn your fervent awareness of this disease that affects one in eight women, and take action by investing yourself in breast cancer research.  Together we can fast track research and end breast cancer within our lifetime.
What is the Health of Women study?

With the introduction of the Health of Women study (HOW) on October 1st, the Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation will revolutionize the fight against breast cancer.  By crowdsourcing health information, and involving the general public directly, we will uncover the information that will end breast cancer.  This groundbreaking initiative invites the public, men and women over the age of 18 of all health backgrounds, to be collaborators by participating in the study via the web or on their mobile devices.  HOW will also turn traditional research practices on its head by creating a venue for researchers to gather and share information, with the definitive goal of ending breast cancer.  To learn more about the Health of Women study, visit: www.healthofwomenstudy.org.





So visit!
Help out by visiting the link above and take a few minutes to answer some questions. Susan Love is a breakthrough in the true fight for the cause and eradictaing breast cancer from the face of the earth.


Thank you.
xo
b

Not the best day so far.....

DAY129

Calgon, you are late!

Today is the crappiest chemo day since Tuesday- I haven't stopped hot flashing or sweating since I woke up.
I just feel like I'm walking through space today again- It was sooo hard waking up this morning- but I dragged myself out of bed and into work for a good 3.5 hours before reality decided to start slipping away from me. It's a feeling I can't describe other than you are a body filled with toxic organs and sludge and brain chemicals like a novelty Pina Chemo Colada in a human shaped cup from a poolside bar in Vegas. Melting in the sun and sub par.
Just uck.
You won't know this feeling unless you do chemo. It's nothing that I ever felt pre-cancer. Even at my worst.
Jen and her kiddo Dylan stopped by last night to have some pizza and wine and it was great to have company, despite being thoroughly exhausted.
Today,
The husband departs for the Poconos around 2pm- and my mom is pretty sick so I'm the mommy today on my own.
As long as Melody doesn't take a nap- I can get her in bed early around 6 and Azalea is easy because she's almost 10 and she's able to help herself and make herself dinner and lock the doors at night, put herself to sleep and stuff.
I don't know what I'd do without her. Between her and Finding Nemo-I have good support in getting through a bad day solo with kids.
I feel terrible. I wish my mom felt better. She does too.

I managed to make a soup that is stewing on the stove at least for a few hours now. Soup isn't too much of a stressful dinner that's now taken care of...

where are you Calgon? I need a break.

-xo
b

3:33pm
Update.(said in the same way Robert Stack did in Unsolved Mysteries)
I gave my mom my chiropractor appointment since I just couldn't do it today.
I have to get Azalea off the bus in about 20 minutes, and Melody decided to take a nap.
On days like this, normalcy goes by the wayside and all of a sudden I am the awesome mom who gives her kid ice cream before dinner. Cause I just can and I don't have to care for a day if I don't want to. Her diapers are changed and she is fed, clean and happy.
And if you want to judge me, Go for it. You figure out a better way to keep a energetic 2 year old happy and quiet whilst chemo twists your insides and bones all around and you need just 20 minutes to rest. lol.
:) thank you, little bowl of ice cream.
xo


4:58 PM
Melancholy about missing the Keller and Juggling shows tonight, I drowned my superficial and shallow egotistical sadness in Talenti Gelato, loafing on the couch watching Coraline with the little one. And because Caramel Cookie Crunch is a sweet alternative to Vicodin. :)
Then Mark calls and he has arrived at his destination.... and puts Keller on the phone. Keller tells me to keep kicking ass.
I am smiling.
Thanks Mark
xo

the lasty nasties.

DAY127

Pretty uneventful chemo yesterday- My mom took Melody anyway and Mark headed through the pines with me this week.
Phyllis was telling me that this is the last of it all- and all the months of chemo has collected into the bottom of the well and this is what I got.
So my immune system is hanging on very bravely with a vengeance, as are my red blood cells that are the cause to my tired.
My mom was right- there is no day or night anymore.
I have such trouble sleeping- especially in the days after chemo with I'm all methed out on decadron the heady steroid.
Today is usually the good day but I'm kinda figuring I won't have those anymore and I just need to emerge gently from the waves after October 8th's last hurrah....the last chemo.

Still going to take it easy- I have a 2 day getaway I'm looking forward to and an end to the nurses sticking me with IV needles.
Yesterday it took them 4 sticks and 2 nurses before they got a vein in my hand.
I am hanging in there.
I feel like I am getting sick- probably what my mom had.
sore throat - uck. I need to rock some tea.
Work days are getting shorter too. I'm leaving my business right before Christmas hits. Our busiest season.
It's a little stressful making sure the work is going to be taken care of when I am really gone- this is not like when I was 9 months pregnant and lived right down the road and stopped in. I'll be out. And this Virgo is having a hard time letting go and being comfortable with things going on ok after I leave.
eek! Another worry.
I need to stop worrying. It'll be ok.
It will be ok. I have an excellent replacement.

Main breast tumor with
censor pixelated. because this is a family blog.
See the other 3 revolving
in its largeness.
May 2012

The Armpit Shitshow &
Lymph Node Circus
circa may 2012

Surgery time is coming fast and I am grateful I have had months to prepare. Most breast cancer patients have the surgery first. I can't imagine being thrust into that off the bat.
The downside is walking around with the Armpit Shitshow and her 4 mothers this whole time inside me.
It's a little unnerving thinking that for 4 weeks- these tumors won't have chemo to fight them. a whole month!

I hope they stay put.
Going from 5 cm to .5 is pretty cool and should stay that way...We want to see a shitshow with no one left to tell any tales..... Victory will be mine.

Have a great evening folks~


xo
b

the edge, the edge, the edge the edge the edge the edge THE EDGE.....

DAY125

I had to find at least a version with Clarence in it. His last live performance <3 (((Big man)))
Feel free to have these little musical vignettes serve as soundtracks for each post- I try to pick them to go with my daily ramblings to accompany the post like wine to cheese.

Anyway-
I wasn't used to coming into work on a Monday- that's usually been reserved for chemo  but this week we're kicking it on a Tuesday. I got some work done but dragged myself around today the best I could. Still soooo tired.

My mother is nasty sick so here's to hoping she feels better I won't have to drive myself tomorrow.
Someone needs to mind the babies.

I finally figured out the reason for my crazy exhaustion.
Low counts.
I get my LabCorp results when my oncologist retrieves the results- I guess he did it this morning because I got the weekly alert in my email today.
Shit! I was doing SO WELL. they were actually on the upswing-
WBC count is 3.5 (Normal is 11 and up) right now.... the biggest gap from one appt. to the next  since I started chemo. Weekly we kept dropping .1 every week- then I started on the Turkey Tail and the numbers stopped, then bumped a little back up.
Now we are back down. by .3 from last week.
Ugh.
They don't give you chemo if you go under 3.
I was doing so good!
eek!
I have just been lying down.
I got a good 6.5 hours of work in today. Crashed hard at 1:30. Home I went.
They told me this would happen at the end- the end of the line- counts are so low you just shouldn't be doing anything. especially wearing a top hat and dancing on a Pennsylvania farm at midnight.
This Friday weekend I have to miss my husband and Keller Williams playing music together. Keller is also laying down some tracks for the husband's new album. And I am missing it.Plus I miss seeing the guy- he's a great person and wonderful friend to us.
Unless by chance all this juicing and turkey tail and raw garlic i pounded today and for the rest of the upcoming week turns me around. I doubt it. But even if it were to happen, I'd probably lie low anyway.
And Souper Groove. Missing that too.
I had my day in the sun for a little bit going though- for that I am grateful.
No more supermarkets, fun trips out to the store. i live in one of the most densely populated areas on the  globe- I am not taking any chances on anything.

I'm a gonna be a hermit.
A bald Yankee lovin' hermit.
with a Mr. Hermit husband who stood by his vows of "in sickness and in health" to run to the store before he headed out to record his album tonight in the studio. To make sure the toilet paper in the hall closet was all stocked up. Thanks hun. (he hates using coupons with his beloved self-checkout aisle).

And this chemo brain stuff is no joke either- this is real.
Today I looked at a bag of carrots and called them pineapples. And for 5 straight minutes thought today was Friday.
wtf?

lol.

have yourselves the best evening of your lives tonight~*
Missing you, outside world and people!!!

xo

b

more of the same

DAY124

Whoa whoa! YANKEES!
I fell asleep during the 5th inning last night and woke up in the 12th. And watched one of the greatest games of baseball EVER. I did a little dance at the end, too.
and the Yankees f'ing won. so yeah. GO US!
I loved watching the Yankees with my dad when he was still here, so now I feel like he's sitting with me when I watch the games- when spectacular things happen- I like to imagine that my father had a hand in it somehow to keep my spirits up and going. And to be inspired to keep going. That's just my kooky brain.
This season has become quite the parallel to the chemo in the most bizarre way, I do have to say.
GO YANKS.

This is no easy road for anyone, this chemo stuff. Regardless of how good someone might look or appear- this digs to the dregs of anyone taking this drug. I don't care who you are, it sucks.
Takes your insides and just mixes them up all toxic like and it's a crapshoot from there.
You just never know.

I am less tired today, but I still feel like crap. Mark kinda pushed me to go outside and I'm glad he did, but it still takes so much out.
I did manage to get to the last farmer's market of the season (sniff sniff :*( ), out to the halloween store to return 2 wigs (Spirit Halloween stores have crappy goods. and even crappier wigs.), and to Staples to get some stuff so we can hook the interwebs up to the idiot box. I got outside! I did! Yay!
Melody we found is absolutely terrified-- TERRIFIED -- of the Halloween store. I'm just glad that her crazy chemo'd out bald mother doesn't scare her as much as the rubber zombie mannequin with light up eyes in an electric chair.
I am terrified of Staples because of the amount of money it costs just to get Netflix to appear on the television.
When I get upset and all egotistical and woe is me sometimes, I think of those who don't have it as lucky as I do. And it snaps me out.
So there.
Physically- this just sucks though. And miles to go before I sleep.
(I don't sleep anymore.)

Incredible tired

DAY123

Taxol 9's theme: Incredible Tired

Taxol #8 had a good Saturday of energy and dancing. This week is super tired and fingernail lifting.

Still just exhausted- I was woken up this morning at 5am by an eager 2 year old for "mommy daddy wake up".
Azalea wound up coming to get her little sister and they watched a movie quietly until I got up. I hit the shower first since these night sweats make you so funky in the morning. I can't be functioning stinking up the place. Thank you Dr. Bronner's.
Then Melody wound up accidentally peeing on the couch so I had to clean that up and disinfect it and my half hour of energy was all used up and my battery was dead at that point.
I laid back down on the couch (not near the pee spot lol)  and the kids watched Rango on the computer.
Mark got up at 10 since he came in early this morning after his gig in Seaside last night.
Nothing is getting me up today. Not even my coffee.
My brother came back into town from Brooklyn so him and my mom took the kids today since Mark left around 1 to play a festival in PA 4 hours away. I stayed home. I am just way too beat to deal with my children all by myself right now. The week has taken its toll.

My legs are killing me too. Fingers just keep getting numb.

So I have this nice quiet time alone- I'm currently taking a break from hot flashes and couch time with the Yankees to blog this- then I'm back to my game.
The Yanks are holding strong.... my chemo team. lol.
The game is good too- with the runs on both sides competing with each other.
The Oakland A's.

So that's me today. A tired, beat and exhausted Yankees fan on a couch.
and it's so pretty outside. ugh.
 My kingdom for a deck and hammock right now. lol.


......

xo

not so hot

DAY121

Shitty day today-

I did manage to get into work- my boss is being extremely patient with this entire situation and very cool- I basically got all my layout work done and left. If I had stayed there any longer I would have started to fade since the minute I got home (around noon) I just collapsed on the couch. Super tired and I should rest because it's back to school night and I really wanted to meet Azalea's teacher.

But- I'm not in control over here so it's not up to me.

I might just stay home.

My fingertips and toe tips are numb- typing really sucks- joint and bone pain and a new sensation of random "burning" all over my arms and legs. The bones just keep getting achier- I wish there was something besides taking showers to help it. I keep hitting the wall.

So rest I do.

Yesterday's visit to the surgeon went really well- I wound up in the same room that I had when I had my biopsy done. There was an Albert Bierstadt painting print on the wall  I remember going into when the good doctor jabbed me with the very thick and hollow needle. I had forgot about the painting but it really is a gorgeous print. (I had to google it and found that all these paintings looked so much alike....) This image is good for me keeping my eye on the 2 weeks out west I hope for in the future?

He examined me and actually said he felt the Shitshow was much different than at the biopsy, and said whatever cancer in there was most likely eliminated from his own observation. Of course nobody will know until final pathology after surgery, but that was so awesome to hear.   I learned about the surgery- which is a very long process (about 8-10 hours) and lots of cutting and stitches. I also am donating my breast tissue to science and research. I didn't get a chance to ask him to see the tumors, because that was the last thing on my mind. I am also getting the sentinel lymph nodes removed in the unaffected side (my left).

It's unnerving losing my breasts. But I'm doing this to save my life and keep this crap from coming back.

I will have a long road of recovery- and I run the risk of nerve damage in my right hand (!!?!!?!), as well as limited physical mobility for a while and will need physical therapy- and my arm most likely will have an issue with swelling (lymphedema) because my lymph nodes were removed. And I will be completely numb in my chest where the cancer was.

I'll wind up in the hospital post-op for about 3-6 days- and the distance from home is 50 miles from the hospital and my family has to drive all that way back and forth. Every day. Oy.

and no herbal tea 24 hours before surgery!

I'll be under the care of Dr. Miller for the rest of  my life, but that won't make sense because I am going to outlive him. and his calm eyes.

I also really liked the vibe of the office - everyone was pleasant and really liked working with each other.  I had been talking with one woman on the phone named Greer for 5 months and I finally got to meet her. She was such a warm and awesome lady just as she was on the phone and she is just an asset to her workplace both in kindness and being so helpful. I hope she gets a great Christmas bonus. She deserves it. I want to make her cookies too.

Dealing with cancer and all the insurance and financial and booking channels on top if it sucks- people like Greer and nurse navigators make it better. Thanks to all who serve :)

I will also have to have the upkeep surgeries to maintain the strange new girls in the subsquent months as well as being watched closely as I heal and move farther away from the day of  'BEING ALL DONE'.

I can't wait for that day.

.........

ONWARD!!!!

Cause I am kicking ass.

...rest awaits me.....

xo

b

a busy day for the Enter and Backspace keys

DAY120

Today is Wednesday-
When chemo's on a Monday- Wednesday is the beginning of the crappies.
I woke up this morning after a night of serious hot flashes and night sweats - When I think I can't sweat any more- it gets worse. It's gross, actually- waking up soaked in your own sweat and toxic blech every morning. I honor the drugs in my system to work with me- but boy are they just nasty. I get a hot flash probably twice an hour.
Time to change the sheets. Again.

Whoever invents a method of making hot flashes easier, especially when it's forced menopause- would make a fortune....... Just saying if anyone out there is looking for a way to get on Shark Tank.

I also woke up with my fingers numb- The neuropathy is getting a little worse too. I have decided though to just buck up and work through it. It's kinda hard to type right now- I'm using the backspace key a lot. Fingernails still doing their cracky peely chemo thang, slowly but surely.
I am dizzy, with intestines to match.
Anxiety is starting to emerge too- Not sure why now- I can't tell if it's the drugs thinking for me or my own head. I have basically surrendered my body to all of this for the last 120 days- I don't expect anything anymore- I just take it as it comes. What a freakin' rollercoaster. It's really difficult to stand up and say "I AM NOT AFRAID ", when I am, honestly- even that little tiny bit counts.
I am projecting with all my heart and soul that I will emerge from this strong and to keep the cancer at bay and make it till age 100, but there is always that part that says "hey- you never know...".
I struggle with being realistic and believing I'll be invincible for the rest of my life since I am kicking so much ass now.
I thought I was doing so well before I got cancer - eating right, living a life of dark leafy greens and health and making sure that - no way- I won't get cancer despite both my parents having it.
Both my parents had it.
I think it was a deep seated fear my whole adult life of getting cancer, and I admit that I did have a feeling that all of this would happen through the years. But I passed it off as worst case scenario.
It WON'T happen, I kept telling myself.

Because I did everything right to the best of my ability.
But whatever-cancer still visited me.
Even though I tried to do everything right.
It's hard not to feel so defeated sometimes when I sit down and think about it.
I won't lie. It happens.


It's a real mind trip.

Then I think that because I'm doing so well is because I did everything right before this!

But I still got cancer.

That is just tiny sample of my daily thinking since I found that lump.


And endless highway with constant jughandles of thought.




I'm neurotic as it is. This drug and dis-ease  turns my normal neurotic to 11. lol.
Things like not having enough of a stockpile of toilet paper in the hall closet for the next few months, my living room's desperate need for a coat of paint and rearranging of furniture, my growing distaste for the Argentine ants invading my kitchen..... There's so much I need to do and yet I feel I have no control over anything or any time to get anything done. (Not that I can do anything anyway). Welcome to my brain. Crazy and trying to iron out the wrinkles chemo is making.
And trying to stay funny in the middle of it all ...?
It's tricky to be so fabulous and hilarious all the time, ya know?

I took off of work today since I have to drive out to Lumberton to see Dr. Miller today. Mark is coming with me and I'm looking forward to a nice drive out to South Jersey-
Also looking forward to gettin down to brass tacks to finally talk about the mastectomy procedure and face this head on with knowledge.I haven't seen Dr. Miller since that fateful biopsy in April-
He is a calm man, with calm eyes. I like that in a surgeon.
This November 9th is arriving fast and it's beginning of a major mental and physical preparation. I'm still scared about this, and thankfully I have a good group of doctors around me.
All my questions will get answered clearly. Even the stupid ones.

xo

Cloud 9 Taxol 9

DAY118

9 again!
Today was Taxol #9 and what a chemo visit this was. Super easy- I felt good going in besides being tired-
I was all excited to get the full on examination today. I get the super tumor rundown and offcial measurement every 3rd visit. Today was magic number 9.

I went with mom- kinda curious since the breast tumor wasn't really around much and I swear I felt the Armpit Shitshow go down too.
So I saw Phyllis as usual- and she asked the usual question of how my tumors were feeling and I said great- I think they went down again...
Lo and Behold!- YES! Phyllis even got excited over the breast tumor most of all since it is virtually shrunken to almost nothing from what she can feel. Tears. of.  joy.
And she says the armpit is smaller too. She was so excited and I got excited- my mom got excited - I just love that news.
*Thanks and praise for a good day, all the prayers, love and light and good thoughts, folks. This is because of you and you and you and  all those good intentions. *
I cannot begin to express how much I feel all of that.

The Shitshow is Shrinking!!!!
(I told Mark he should write a cool punk song with that as the chorus. lots of distortion and power chords. Yngwie style)
I have learned that i will catch shit for wearing my Yankees tshirt to a place in South Jersey. That's Phillies country down there and I was told "Oh boy- you are really wearing that shirt here?"

Yes I am. Currently #1 with many on the DL and it all started when I started my chemo. I'm standing by my team. Mickey Mantle didn't play for the Phillies either.

Now of course I had my cancer brand of meth today called Decadron- that awesome steroid that gets you crazy. I spent the ride home listening to local talk radio wiyth my mom-. Our political views are completely different. So I get heated and passionate because I love politics (I just don't talk about my feelings in public forums. so don't worry. I identify with no party.). I got all agitated and my mom had to turn the radio off. lol.
I also visited the chiropractor since my I really almost literally did dance my legs off.
They don't hurt so much anymore. Dr. G fixed me all up and I feel so much better.

I just feel so good inside today. After dancing all Saturday night and having a crap load of a good time- I'm on cloud......9. My tumors hate a good time, that I am convinced of.


3 MORE LEFT AND I AM KICKING ASS.

I am so happy!
And Melody had no nap today so I get a nice quiet early bedtime for me to crash with.
Work tomorrow.
Hi Rocco and Erica!

xo

pinnacle jam

DAY117

What a shift.
Which proves this truly is a box of chocolates. I got a good one yesterday- the kind with the crunchy heath bar and peanut butter center. Probably the most energy I have every had out of any chemo day so far.
I woke up still kind of icky and trying to shake off Thursday. I felt it all through Friday.
Saturday I woke up and was all "POW! I'm gonna sew those hexagons all together finally!"
I had been dreaming of making it into a skirt- and damn- I did. In 3 hours, and using no pins, I sewed myself the most fabulous little miniskirt out of hexagons.
And you feel good when you accomplish something like that- something that I haven't done in a long time. Years.
I had me a new skirt and I was ready to head out to Kempton, PA for the Pinnacle Jam festival my husband was playing at. I love the place in Kempton- the land is awesome- the venue is just great and gorgeous land. I hope to get back there next summer when I get back into vending.

Beth was there with my birthday gift of a top hat. I have wanted a top hat since I was 10 years old- I remember seeing Davy Jones on a Monkees rerun episode. He was wearing one with a striped shirt (which I have a love for as well) and I just thought it looked great.
I finally own a top hat now! yay!
I put on some of the most fabulous shimmer and sparkle eyeshadow- totally went overboard- rocked an aqua wig and had a really good time.
A great time. I felt so good just rocking it and I danced. with sunglasses, a wig and top hat. and boots. and danced ....and eventually landed in the front seat of the van and pretty much passed out, coming home at 4am.
I'm paying for it today with the next day leg pain + bone pain and hobbling all over like a shaking lady- but hot damn- it felt good to be Miss America for an evening. At least in my head.
After watching the fire dancing last night- I decided I really want to learn that too.
So when I get better- I'm adding "Learn fire stuff" to my list.

The list is growing.


Taxol 9 tomorrow. Mom is coming with me and I need to start hydrating. stat.


xo

a winner

DAY114

Today landed itself in the throne of one of the shittiest days ever kingdom.....
These drugs fluctuate every week. I never know what I am going to get- like a twisted box of chemo chocolates.
They've been cutting down my steroids every week and this week just whaled me with a sack of bricks.
Yesterday I just generally felt agitated, racing thoughts---- the usual Taxol dance. But I woke up at 2AM this morning with a hell headache - and it turned out to be a night exactly like the kind that Neulasta's hangover was like.
I awoke with a splitting headache. I have never had a headache like this in my life- I pulled out the miracle pillow and laid down with it. It worked if I didn't move a muscle. barely. Oof ......this was the worst.
The minute I moved- the headache raged back. When it got to the point of evilness incarnate- my instinct was to get into the shower. My self seems to do that when I have ever experienced terrible pain. Head for the water.
The hot shower didn't even help- and I got scared because that used to be the final relief plan. And this is not working anymore.
If I stayed real still in the shower - it helped a little bit.
I threw up all evening, and took I would say about 4 or 5 showers. Hot flashes like crazy and really intense through all of it. Bones hurt, I wanted to disappear and not feel like this anymore.
I didn't feel anything close to normal until about 6AM- when I was finally able to close my eyes and rest. I texted my boss to let him know I wouldn't be at work today and I slept.
All day pretty much.
I had hauled around my body to the best of my abilities all night for an end to this nasty pain and nausea.
Mark and Melody were home and I just laid around - between this and the bone pain- it was a shitty day. I didn't even get to go outside. I am cranky, very sick and needing a very long sleep. I don't think I have ever felt so sick in my life. My body is so done with all these 114 days of these drugs already. My poor body.

It's almost 7PM now and I'm still just drained.
I have no idea why I had that reaction again.
Just the usual drug trip, I see.

Tomorrow is Friday and I hope tomorrow is better. There's work waiting for me that needs attending to, and I just don't like lying in bed all day not being able to do much of anything except hydrating.
I'll just wake up and see what my body is telling me to do and just do it.
No sense in trying to reason with the Taxol puppeteer making my marionette strings do what it wants.
I would love the rest, but I also have work to do.
At least Project Runway is on tonight and I can lie on the couch with that tonight. I love that show. I hope I can stay somewhat awake.

On a bright point, Mark and I booked 2 nights by ourselves oceanfront in Maryland in October. After chemo ceases to exist. I don't want these drugs anymore.A real vacation in some sense before I head in for the big surgery in November.
I can only imagine how aggressive this cancer is judged on how toxic this stuff feels flowing through my veins. At my staging, they throw us the highest doses of everything. The big guns.
I want my mommy and miss my dad today.


Next month. Almost here.



 

Just keep swimming......swimming .......swimming.....




.....








have a good evening folks~
xo
b

almost there.

DAY112

I managed to make it to work today early enough not to hear the 9/11 stuff start on our local news.
My local news is based in NYC- so we got to watch this horrible day reported live by our local news as it happened- we watched that second plane hit the WTC live on TV, the towers falling- all the aftermath.
It's still very emotional because it is so close to home here in NJ- I won't ever forget that, I grew up living 10 minutes from NYC for the first 10 years of my life- I said goodnight to the WTC every night before I went to bed- as I could see the skyline out my bedroom window in Paterson.
I don't watch the rememberance in Manhattan anymore- I ache every year on this day. Watching that on the news is tough.


*rest in peace*





onward to the future- which marks today as day 112 of treatment..... Monday was Taxol #8!
They found a vein right away thanks to a heating pad and super hydtration. I drank a half a gallon of water the whole ride up.
No change yet in the Armpit Shitshow this week- I get the next full on exam next week for Taxol 9- we find out if the the biggest breast tumor has shrunk any more.... hopefully the shitshow will follow suit. I keep eating Turkey Tail.
My white count stopped falling at least!

I'm beginning to need a cane. I feel as if I am 90 years old - wobbling and hobbling half the day- sometimes not.
legs are killing me.
it's the kind of pain that hits the most at night- and even a Vicodin and a half don't work. and I still hate those nasty pills. So I think I'm just done with them all together. They don't work, unless their job is to dull me.

Overall though- the thought that I have 4 more weeks and that is IT ---- is awesome.
I wish it would hurry up and get here.
I asked my chemo nurse lady if they have a bell here to ring and they told me no. Radiation has a bell, but not chemo at Virtua. They told me though they do some TGI Friday's birthday style song for you when you finish and make a big deal out of it and embarrass you.
I'll make sure to go to that chemo  in my Sunday best. :)

Next week I get to see Dr. Miller for the first time since that biopsy - he's my surgeon and will be doing the mastectomy and lymph node dissection. I have a lot of questions and I'm still wanting to see if I can see those tumors after they come out of me. I need to give this bastard cancer a face. or faces.
It made me feel very good two weeks ago to be at Virtua to get the results from my genetic testing, and see my surgeon, oncologist, RN and others walk out of their early morning meeting together- I know they are all working together as it is, but the King Arthur Roundtable just sets me at ease.
My hospital is small. But very good. And I'm much more comfortable being in a small tiny hospital where it's like Cheers and everybody knows your name.

As far as I know- I have 4 tumors total in my breast and god knows how many positive nodes in the shitshow. we want a LOW number- but looking at the size of it, it's questionable.
High numbers of positive nodes are not good to have. They watch you more when you do.
But we won't know until pathology comes back -which is a week after surgery.
I can't wait to hear "You're cancer free!!!"
And I  manifest those 3 words every day.

whee!