a winner

DAY114

Today landed itself in the throne of one of the shittiest days ever kingdom.....
These drugs fluctuate every week. I never know what I am going to get- like a twisted box of chemo chocolates.
They've been cutting down my steroids every week and this week just whaled me with a sack of bricks.
Yesterday I just generally felt agitated, racing thoughts---- the usual Taxol dance. But I woke up at 2AM this morning with a hell headache - and it turned out to be a night exactly like the kind that Neulasta's hangover was like.
I awoke with a splitting headache. I have never had a headache like this in my life- I pulled out the miracle pillow and laid down with it. It worked if I didn't move a muscle. barely. Oof ......this was the worst.
The minute I moved- the headache raged back. When it got to the point of evilness incarnate- my instinct was to get into the shower. My self seems to do that when I have ever experienced terrible pain. Head for the water.
The hot shower didn't even help- and I got scared because that used to be the final relief plan. And this is not working anymore.
If I stayed real still in the shower - it helped a little bit.
I threw up all evening, and took I would say about 4 or 5 showers. Hot flashes like crazy and really intense through all of it. Bones hurt, I wanted to disappear and not feel like this anymore.
I didn't feel anything close to normal until about 6AM- when I was finally able to close my eyes and rest. I texted my boss to let him know I wouldn't be at work today and I slept.
All day pretty much.
I had hauled around my body to the best of my abilities all night for an end to this nasty pain and nausea.
Mark and Melody were home and I just laid around - between this and the bone pain- it was a shitty day. I didn't even get to go outside. I am cranky, very sick and needing a very long sleep. I don't think I have ever felt so sick in my life. My body is so done with all these 114 days of these drugs already. My poor body.

It's almost 7PM now and I'm still just drained.
I have no idea why I had that reaction again.
Just the usual drug trip, I see.

Tomorrow is Friday and I hope tomorrow is better. There's work waiting for me that needs attending to, and I just don't like lying in bed all day not being able to do much of anything except hydrating.
I'll just wake up and see what my body is telling me to do and just do it.
No sense in trying to reason with the Taxol puppeteer making my marionette strings do what it wants.
I would love the rest, but I also have work to do.
At least Project Runway is on tonight and I can lie on the couch with that tonight. I love that show. I hope I can stay somewhat awake.

On a bright point, Mark and I booked 2 nights by ourselves oceanfront in Maryland in October. After chemo ceases to exist. I don't want these drugs anymore.A real vacation in some sense before I head in for the big surgery in November.
I can only imagine how aggressive this cancer is judged on how toxic this stuff feels flowing through my veins. At my staging, they throw us the highest doses of everything. The big guns.
I want my mommy and miss my dad today.


Next month. Almost here.



 

Just keep swimming......swimming .......swimming.....




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have a good evening folks~
xo
b