a busy day for the Enter and Backspace keys

DAY120

Today is Wednesday-
When chemo's on a Monday- Wednesday is the beginning of the crappies.
I woke up this morning after a night of serious hot flashes and night sweats - When I think I can't sweat any more- it gets worse. It's gross, actually- waking up soaked in your own sweat and toxic blech every morning. I honor the drugs in my system to work with me- but boy are they just nasty. I get a hot flash probably twice an hour.
Time to change the sheets. Again.

Whoever invents a method of making hot flashes easier, especially when it's forced menopause- would make a fortune....... Just saying if anyone out there is looking for a way to get on Shark Tank.

I also woke up with my fingers numb- The neuropathy is getting a little worse too. I have decided though to just buck up and work through it. It's kinda hard to type right now- I'm using the backspace key a lot. Fingernails still doing their cracky peely chemo thang, slowly but surely.
I am dizzy, with intestines to match.
Anxiety is starting to emerge too- Not sure why now- I can't tell if it's the drugs thinking for me or my own head. I have basically surrendered my body to all of this for the last 120 days- I don't expect anything anymore- I just take it as it comes. What a freakin' rollercoaster. It's really difficult to stand up and say "I AM NOT AFRAID ", when I am, honestly- even that little tiny bit counts.
I am projecting with all my heart and soul that I will emerge from this strong and to keep the cancer at bay and make it till age 100, but there is always that part that says "hey- you never know...".
I struggle with being realistic and believing I'll be invincible for the rest of my life since I am kicking so much ass now.
I thought I was doing so well before I got cancer - eating right, living a life of dark leafy greens and health and making sure that - no way- I won't get cancer despite both my parents having it.
Both my parents had it.
I think it was a deep seated fear my whole adult life of getting cancer, and I admit that I did have a feeling that all of this would happen through the years. But I passed it off as worst case scenario.
It WON'T happen, I kept telling myself.

Because I did everything right to the best of my ability.
But whatever-cancer still visited me.
Even though I tried to do everything right.
It's hard not to feel so defeated sometimes when I sit down and think about it.
I won't lie. It happens.


It's a real mind trip.

Then I think that because I'm doing so well is because I did everything right before this!

But I still got cancer.

That is just tiny sample of my daily thinking since I found that lump.


And endless highway with constant jughandles of thought.




I'm neurotic as it is. This drug and dis-ease  turns my normal neurotic to 11. lol.
Things like not having enough of a stockpile of toilet paper in the hall closet for the next few months, my living room's desperate need for a coat of paint and rearranging of furniture, my growing distaste for the Argentine ants invading my kitchen..... There's so much I need to do and yet I feel I have no control over anything or any time to get anything done. (Not that I can do anything anyway). Welcome to my brain. Crazy and trying to iron out the wrinkles chemo is making.
And trying to stay funny in the middle of it all ...?
It's tricky to be so fabulous and hilarious all the time, ya know?

I took off of work today since I have to drive out to Lumberton to see Dr. Miller today. Mark is coming with me and I'm looking forward to a nice drive out to South Jersey-
Also looking forward to gettin down to brass tacks to finally talk about the mastectomy procedure and face this head on with knowledge.I haven't seen Dr. Miller since that fateful biopsy in April-
He is a calm man, with calm eyes. I like that in a surgeon.
This November 9th is arriving fast and it's beginning of a major mental and physical preparation. I'm still scared about this, and thankfully I have a good group of doctors around me.
All my questions will get answered clearly. Even the stupid ones.

xo