Wow. I thought I would just let this blog go...fade into the moonlight never to emerge again. I felt that "letting it go" would help me keep this stuff in my past. I wanted to forget it all, to not remember all the trials. I wanted to put away the anger. People, and myself told me I have no business healing at the same time keeping hold of what hurt me in the past. "Sometimes you just have to let that go, Brianne. It's not healthy to be angry all the time"... People have lots of opinions. Even more though, people have also been my strength and inspiration and rocks more than ever.
I expected to leave this blog as it was and go right back to the other blog of my life when I was just an artist- going back to what I loved to do, start a new life, move on from this and go. Leaving all that stuff in the past in the garbage and hidden away..... It was unhealthy being angry all the time at what I believe caused this cancerous path. In that being it's own cancer, I discovered truth in the process- and discovering truth is the biggest weapon we have at ending all these situations like cancer and sickness #1.
I can't leave this blog. I have to keep learning from it. Maybe help others with it. It's an eternal lesson, a forever road.... there are other things here besides anger. And who the hell who has ever had cancer ever not been angry? One thing is, this blog has probably been my greatest help overall. I was given the advice to start journaling it, and it was the greatest advice ever. It has taught me how to deal with things and even remembered things I forgot because I was so fogged out in chemical chemo, stress, and working through it - that I had no idea what was going on from one day to the next.
This blog has contained everything from raw emotion,curse words, total naivety, frankness of a taboo subject, what's under my shirt, truth of what really happens, and hopefully showing that as much people want to get past what happens to them, sometimes it doesn't end so 'cut and dry' that way.
What have I been doing this whole time since the last post? Recovering and rediscovering. Major big time. And this long and winding road lasts forever.
I discovered the sun rising over the ocean every morning is a precious gift beyond comprehension. And it's free! As simple as a sunrise can be, combined with the powerful ocean and her fresh ions- it becomes a drug my body craves. Now I try to visit that every day. My morning beach walks have provided me with the most sanity, calm, resolution and therapy no pill or support group could give me. Not to mention a bounty of seaglass I never knew existed before and has allowed me to create a whole new branch of artwork with. Free art supplies? YES PLEASE. Then, since I was paid a visit by a few snowy owls, I started document every morning with pictures and sharing them on facebook. It's too beautiful of an everyday experience not to share. Weird animals visit, and some of the greatest vistas despite it being "just a plain old beach" occur every day. It's a place of magic. I had to discover this on my own. My "morning song" as my blog video above perfectly states. This allows me to let it all flow in and out and not to hold onto anything because there's no point. Everything needs to FLOW. And if it flows into someplace where it is needed...then so be it. Flowing doesn't always mean passing through already established channels. It could mean forging new streams or tributaries, or replenishing dry fields too.
So almost 2 years later, I'm sitting here right back where I was in November of 2012, with yet another huge procedure performed on my chest. Another mastectomy = reconstruction.
On the outside, people would think I would be "finished by now", or "over it all" but that's not the case. After the bilateral mastectomy earlier, I went through 29 days of radiation that ended February of 2013, as a precaution. This whole time Phyllis the "wonder nurse" had pushed me to do every form of post treatment, and her fear-mongering is of the expert type. (I also discovered she received a 6,000 dollar check as a gift from Novartis but that's just me doing detective work)- I NEEDED those pills to survive. I NEEDED radiation to clear the space. I NEEDED to take off the "good side" to make sure it wouldn't come back. And all of that was false. I feel really stupid for believing all that stuff, especially when I cast a suspicious eye at the corporate machine of western medicine as it is. And they got me. Having 2 parents whose cancers were both diagnosed at stage 4 probably kept my blinders on.
Truth is, I didn't NEED Tamoxifen. (I threw those pills away and never looked back and even though I took them for 6 months, I am STILL recovering from the various side effects)- I didn't NEED radiation and I sure as hell could have kept my "good side" without any fear of it 'coming back'.
I still feel stupid but I know I can't go back in time and undo decisions. It just makes me question things even more now. and do even way more research than usual.....don't ever accept anything at face value!! Ever.
So thanks to radiation, I am still in the process of surgeries, since radiation screwed up half of Dr. Patel's original breast reconstruction. His face every time he sees me is one of "You really got a huge dose of this, oof...."
What happened is that radiation was set as at such a high dose, it literally melted and fused half the breast to my chest wall- like if someone glued it down with cement. And it shrunk up the breast to the point of it being a very uncomfortable and painful situation with hardened tight skin that I could either leave alone, or try to fix with surgery. So I decided to go ahead with this 4th surgery. The last two surgeries were routine outpatient nips and tucks. We predicted this surgery since Dr. Patel wanted to wait a while after the radiation damage settled in to operate to fix it.
So what was done is a whole new reconstruction procedure basically where they removed all the stuff stuck to my chest, where all the old damaged tissue and tight skin would be cut away and removed and opened up the channel and outer structure to welcome new tissue. Dr. Patel then harvested muscle tissue with a blood supply from my back, cutting out a huge section -tunneling it under my armpit and replacing the necrosis and breast tissue with healthy muscle and new skin on top. Like a big old fleshy muscle patch. It's called a Latissumus Dorsi flap procedure.
I had it done on Friday Oct 3rd. Today is Monday the 6th. Thankfully I was able to get out of that hospital (they are filthy places outside the OR) by Sunday and it's good to be home.
The procedure is fascinating. How do they figure all this stuff out? I actually watched a video of the surgery being done beforehand. It's very painful though.
It's just nuts how this machine can just continue for years after the initial diagnosis for some women (and men). Some keep getting complications and they have clocked in over 10, 15 surgeries.... Major surgery is no joke. It's also weird when it's years later just to correct the original work. I'm glad I decided to do this surgery, despite the pain I am in now and the risk I put myself in.
The day started out nervous, but the more I waited to be prepped with surgery- the more comfortable I became with knowing that my body wasn't going to be permanently glued down anymore. I finally met again with Dr. Patel on the morning of surgery, with his marking pen.
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| expert tailor |
I'm crying just thinking of it. <3 I don't remember going under, but I remember a vague memory of a 'dream' or whatever experience it would be you would have as a machine is breathing for you during that time. You technically are not alive on your own. I wish I could remember it more, but what stood out was 3 large rectangular tablets or parchments. They had words and elaborate art and decorative lettering and images on them. With a message. I felt like I am seeing them in some hidden place unbeknownst to the outside world, I am in some place meant for people in this state somehow. A voice or person I could no see but was close by me was reading them with me and showing me what they said- but I don't remember what they said! Argh! I do remember being pulled away by that loud nurse yelling for you to wake up and extreme thirst. I opened my eyes. Goofed out on drugs, I wake up connected to all sorts of drips and drains and needles. Post surgery was the worst part, I threw up for a few hours after surgery every time I tried a sip of water. That's not fun when half your side is all chopped up either. I was shot up with anti-nausea meds like clockwork until it finally stopped.
I was determined to chuck all that ASAP and get out of there as fast as possible. I don't like hospital stays too long, and neither does Dr. Patel, so we worked together on that. I loaded up on water, turmeric, green food, water, and herbals when I could begin to take food and drink again- and told myself I would be good enough to leave by Sunday.
I have a huge amount of some really amazing people and family and friends around me sending good thoughts and energy- and I felt every ounce of it the whole time. That also helped me get out Sunday... THANK YOU.
So I am now home, with what looks like a very patched up innertube sticking out from under my armpit from surgical swelling and tunnelling, 2 drains channeling fluid out, and a huge 5" sewed up gash along Ganesh's head on my midback from where the muscle and skin was removed.
More battle scars.
My body has been rearranged, sewn down, moved all over and amputated. My stomach and back have been installed into my chest, and scars are starting spell out letters. I'm really tired and spend most of the day trying to walk around the house as much as I can, I cannot really do much of anything since I can barely use my right side past typing. I can't even draw right now- but I'll get there.
Still grateful as hell for my current state of whatever it is and I will never curse my treatments as they are part of this path. All ya can do is just make as many jokes about it as possible.....right, Joan Rivers?
So this is where I am almost 2 years later.... I don't know if I will be 'done' after all this surgery physically, time will tell but I sure hope so. It's too early to tell if this surgery will heal into form....
Nipples are technically the last surgery for most of us going through the reconstruction. Scarring is an unpredictable result.
It will be 3 weeks of straight up not doing anything (torture for this Virgo who doesn't know the meaning of the word "rest") and repairing the body once again. I cannot use my right arm for more than typing or holding a glass, and I can't let it cross my lap or pain starts. I can't lie back either.
It's amazing how many things your latissismus dorsi muscle is needed for every day activities. And some women use this on both sides for their initial reconstruction. I like the word dorsi because it reminds me of a dorsal fin....
My husband and kids have been the BEST. They have basically taking over everything and taking very good care of me as I get better. I am very lucky to have them in my life. And I couldn't ask for a better bunch of people to be around all the time.
I'm doing my best to keep my body as clean as possible, keep the times good and lighthearted and just live my life the way I like without the worry. Worry sucks and worry makes you sick. Just dance. However you do it, still or in motion. Whatever good makes you smile. Just keep doing it.
I don't worry about doctors appointments or blood tests anymore, I'm tired of stressing over the "next 6 months" ... I'm just not going to do it anymore and leave all those things behind me and just be the way I need to be for my own health. Much bigger things to direct energy towards, anyway.
Not worrying anymore. Whatever it is, shall be. And I'll make the most of it.
......
the road continues
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until my next post:::
b
1 comment:
*happy tears*
lovelovelove.
I laughed, I cried, it was better than cats! <3
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