DAY108
It's a down week.
This bone pain is creeping up to 11.
I have a cane, but I'm doing my best not to use it if I have to- It hurts to walk though, and comes and goes.
At night- forget it.
Hands and feet are getting more burny tingly- I still am keeping an eye out for any effects like not being able to put earrings in, or use a pen or hold things. That would mean the Taxol is starting to cause nerve damage and I need to stop.
I saw a breast cancer patient going through chemo at my last appointment who had to stop her Taxol- she was really frustrated. I can't say I blame her.
Monday is Taxol #8. 4 more left.
I can hang in there, I keep saying to myself. and I will.
Being very tired- a sore throat that refuses to leave- it's all there.
I was able to get to the chiropractor today and it helped so much- Maybe I can finally get some sleep tonight if I'm not waking up in a puddle of my sweat from the hot flashes that seem to keep getting hotter.
I would say I had my first real good cry last night. The kind of cry that hurts after a while. I let it all out.
Of course I am pissed off- but why my kids have to deal with this is the hardest. And my husband.
They hold it up so well together- we all try to- but this cancer stuff surrounds a family so much more than anyone can imagine. Treading water with sharks all around you is how I can describe it. The surface is calm but under the water is a scary place for anyone without a floatie. Gotta have the floatie. Always.
The driving, the work, the time that's lost, the times when my bone pain gets so bad and I cry and my kids see that, or my daughter crying by herself scared for me- that fucking breaks my heart. It fuels the fight- but it's so hard sometimes.
I am holding every moment of my life from here on out with the highest regard- I'm gonna live it too.
I'm just tired this week. sooo tired.
My eyelashes are coming out more too. I can now count them.
My hair is still growing back too! I can now brush the 'fuzz' into an actual direction. EEE!
I'm getting my hair back! Tony Danza Redux!!!!
and....Pinktober is coming. I'm starting to notice the "Be aware" or "buy pink to support" ads for everything.
Now- I'll preclude that I don't have anything against pink- I have received some really sweet gifts and cards and notes with pink on them- or ..'the ribbon', I don't mind.
What I do mind is the countless people who bank on this nasty disease. And find a way to capitalize on such a horrible disfiguring shitstorm this disease is. In fact- it is far from pink.
Pink is so pretty- the 'color' for breast cancer hardly depicts at all the experience.
I cringe when I hear of a certain organization that has trademarked their ribbon logo and the words "for the cure"- when their yearly numbers have around 10% of their total proceeds actually go to "breast cancer awareness". The other 90% goes to paying their salaries (whose CEO makes a cool half mil a year), and advertising and contributing to political campaigns. I won't go into there- but it just makes me sick that society is hornswaggled into thinking that buying pink things is doing their part in curing cancer. It isn't.
Contribute to your local American Cancer Society, or Stand up to Cancer. Or find a local organization that helps the uninsured and under insured with financial help for those dealing with cancer. Or a grassroots fundraiser that donates its proceeds to clinical trials to help others. There are so many ways to lend support without the pink crap.
That other organization that has created this whole Pinktober thing to begin with and their "races for the cure"? They line their pockets with well intended donations and i refuse to support anything they are about. I feel bad a woman named Susan had to die and suffer and this is her legacy. The almighty dollar sign.
That's not awareness. Buying pink M&M's, or cupcakes with boobs on them, or football players with pink shoes doesn't do much but make more money for a rich CEO.
My life and the lives of everyone in the trenches of this shitty disease is a commodity to these people.
And that ...that's messed UP.
I hesitated posting my feelings about Pinktober but this is America and I'm gonna say what i want because I can. So there.
On a lighter note- another new wig finally arrived! It was a birthday present from my family- I picked out a super retro flip modeled after Jean Shrimpton's hair. and it's all violet. It's a crazy do. Can't wait to rock it. I need eyelashes first though.
wootwoot!
xo
3 comments:
Brianne, you are a real trooper. I dont know what to say. There is a special night tomorrow night in Asbury Park At McCloones Supper Club with women rockers from the area who are doing a benefit donating their time for the Susan B. Komen foundation. I am going with my girlfriends and I will be thinking of YOU and how strong you are!!! You are fighting this!
My lover left me just a week ago, this is one man i have donated blood for when he was sick, now he tell me to my face that am good for nothing and that he has found a better woman who makes him feel like a man more than i do.
I cry morning, afternoon and every minute. just 3 days ago, my elder cousin sister was with me and telling me not to worry, that things will fine soon that, but i tried to as what she met by that and she said she has same problems some months back, but there was a spell caster that brought back her happiness, that the spell caster cast a spell for her and at the 3rd day, her fiancee came back swearing never to offend her ever again. she said she met the spell cast online, and his email is helptemple@yahoo.com
So i tried him too and the spell caster gave me hope and told me that he shall come with his kness in 3days after he has cast the spell.
I gave him all the requirements and at the 3rd i saw matino on my door on his knees begging with his dead mum he was so foolish to ever offend me, and he is sorry for all he has done.
This helptemple@yahoo.com spell caster is wonderful. so powerful more than i espect.
Bintus
I want to give a mighty thanks to a spell caster who cast a spell that healed me of my kidney failure, this spell caster sent a potion for me that worked under 3days.
My wife almost gave up on me and started seeing another man because of my inabilities, but now this are perfect, am fine and my family united as one again.
i met the spell caster through a friend, the email of the spell cast is redrocktemple@yahoo.com
please meet this spell caster for any complaint
mexesy
Post a Comment