cancer's amazing powers.

Still no pathology word. I'm assuming things are ok....so we progress back to living forward.

This has been on my mind lately, this whole cancer thing. Things happen to us i truly believe as lessons. To teach us. Whether it be having a child, hitting a bad patch where our worst shines through, sickness, the sickness of a loved one.....
To make it simple, I'm grateful for this. I have seen so much in myself and especially others since this whole thing started..... I needed to eat more vegetables, I needed to talk to my family more often, I needed to chill out in being the anxiety ridden double Virgo I am. I worried about everything.
My dad died in 2010, I had a baby 5 months later, my husband had what they thought was a mini-stroke in September last year. All these things made me stop and check myself and say "I need to change the way I __________" It was always about something I worried about, or did, or felt towards others that was my agenda. Well thats just stupid ego, I found.
When you find yourself with cancer, something that will 100% kill you if you do not fight and take action, it is the ulitmate ass kicker. and it does not discriminate.
Things now, I find myself more patient, more in love with the simple things, more engaged in life - so much more than any other time in my life. And more in love with the people that stand next to me in life. Little things don't matter. What someone said doesn't bother me any more. Thinking I may have screwed up  doesn't matter.
That's the ego. Me worrying about how dumb shit would affect me. Cancer is the evil Kraken that shakes you to your very living core of all things psychic and physical. and it kills your ego too if you let it. And ya know what- if no other life experience has killed it yet, this definitely did. and that's why I am grateful. I'm learning to finally live that life without that ego.
The kindess of others has staggered me.  Every note, card, phone call, hug, well wish, offer of help, and the help I cannot be more grateful for. Seriously. (and nancy, I know you are reading this and you are my inspiration so much right now!!!)

me and my best bounce house friend rocco giving cancer the official new jersey salute.

Last night Mark played at a regular bar of his in New Brunswick, a mardi gras themed cute little bar in the heart of Rutgers country. The love of all the people who came out to see me off on my road (and even the ones that were there in spirit) gave my heart so much joy. The support is overwhelming. I wish I could bake you all cookies!!!!! (Someday I will too!) I also got to see the girls from high school I haven't seen in just about 18 years earlier in the day, and it was great to just sit and chill and reconnect with some really fabulous women.

Little stuff and other's dramas seem small to me. like too small for me to even waste my energy on it. We've got bigger fish to fry in life. and that fish is love. fry it and eat it up and let it fill you up. What kind of change is it if you allow small garbage to weigh your armor down in battle?

Sorry if I sound sappy but the whole esoteric side to this disease is really knocking in my head. I have no more tests to worry about for now, and chemo is the DAY AFTER TOMORROW. eek! lol.
these past posts was the driveway, Tuesday I get on the  major freeway.
I have some anxiety over it. I do have to do my best at work tomorrow.

I also took my mom, Mark and the girls to the wig store in Englishtown to pick out my new hair. I'm not too big on haircuts- probably 1 real haircut in the last 15 years- a few trims in between.... it's a long pile of thick grey and brown dyed black about down to my lower back. I got the Cadillac of wigs with real hair, and hell. It's a perfect head of hair. lol. I was telling my mother I have to jump on it and grind it in to the pavement to break it in and give it that look. lol. It's long and black though, and I'm totally psyched to not have to worry about touching up my grey roots at ALL. We also went to the Seaside boardwalk today, and I saw a guy doing hair wraps on some teenage girl. I thought it might be funny to one day ask the guy if he would do a wrap for me, sit down, and then get up during the hair wrap as the hair stays in his hand. wakka wakka! That's me. Not normal and always the wiseass.
June 1st at noon I go GI Jane behind wig store doors, and leave with the greatest hair I've ever had. lol.
I've always wondered what my head looks like. Maybe I'll be surprised with a giant Gorbachev birthmark!