mother's day

Tests tomorrow.

I woke up all night from dreams where I was cancer free- and rejoicing that I was. When I woke up, it wasn't gone and it got me upset.
I keep wanting to tell Azie.... at this point I feel like she needs to know despite what my SIL the counselor to kids recommends. I would hate for her to find out right before this chemo starts.
We watched a piece on breasts today on CBS sunday morning. A topic that's a little sensitive now that we've had past discussions about her starting puberty, needing a bra, etc..... She's of that age and it's puzzling me of how I can manage telling her about my breast cancer and most likely needing a mastectomy (or 2?) at the same time she is becoming a woman.
I know she'll be strong through this.
The story on breasts actually was cool- I never knew the word Mama came from the word for boobs. and that breasts are the highest receptors for toxins (causing cancer) out of any other part of a woman's body. Amazing.
boobs and how amazing they are

It's hitting me too about how urgent this all might be too since I keep reading stories about these women who found lumps (and nothing in the lymph node) and nothing else. Mine is spreading.
I don't even know what kind I have yet. I suspect I might find out tomorrow after a call to see if any other pathology has come in.
Kinda scared, but this will to fight is always there.
I feel kinda weird posting since this all began how I'm going to do nothing but fight and laugh, but I'm feeling more lately more scared than ever.
The Great Unknown.
I will fight, absolutely, but there's always that thought in my head of what if?
I doubt there's anyone dealing with this kind of diagnosis who didn't think that.

I WILL KICK ASS


............

I know our family needs the work- so I was ok with Mark playing today.... but it stings a bit as to the sacrifice I have made to give up today. It's me being selfish. Its just a Sunday. He's home tonight again so I am grateful. i will never resent my husband's work and passion...ever. I'm grateful for the art he holds so deep within his heart, and his accomplishment of it being his life's work and family bread..... so proud... If you are with someone in a band, prepare to give up the normal off days. and deal with it.
 My first Mother's day with a fresh breast cancer diagnosis, the Yankees playing with pink bats and shoes..... it's emotional.

I WILL KICK ASS.

.................



tests tomorrow....................................