solo saturday

DAY5

I'm losing track of days and normal hours now. It's noon and I just woke up.
I can gauge a day's time by usually who's anchoring the Channel 2 news...It's a weirdo sundial.
I feel like I'm sweating out all the water I'm drinking. This chemo puts you into menopause because it's shutting down the DNA that replicates the cancer cells, and cuts off any hormone feeding it or making any more.
So I'm sweaty and being a slight bitch. Sleeping a lot. My mom the great soul she is knew Mark was leaving at 5am this morning and said to call her when the kids got up. She picked them up this morning after the awakening of of a screaming toddler, an angry 9 year old, and a cup off coffee being taken down by a little person and spilled all over the kitchen floor.
 Really? ...like really?
. It's a Calgon commercial. lol
Mom came by and got them and I just went right back to bed for another 4 hours.
This will be more bearable once the air conditioning comes on- we are waiting to get the vents sanitized and cleaned out before cranking it the first time of the year.

Just exhausted and sweaty- given this new quiet today I was able to stop and breathe and deal with the thoughts of life and how just 2 months ago, none of this existed. It blows your mind.
Something that pisses me off a whole lot- and it's such a fuel for this battle- is the fact I can feel all this cancer. Physically, with my hands. That lymph node, the large marble sized tumor in my breast that has it's connectors running to the lymph node. It makes me angry that I have a tiny construction factory of evil cells inside me - like Fraggle Rock in Hell. It's a piece of ugly tissue jewelry I want to rip off.
Seeing it on an MRI confirms all the little tunnels and highways..... the goal of this chemo is to treat the "body, body, body" as my oncologist says. It's to stop any little flying Dozer anywhere in my system to attach itself to another organ and start building. I keep visualizing all the light and strength and prayers when i breathe and breathe it IN.....then garbage out- breathing out the black shit the cancer has made. Today's breathing felt particularly awesome and cleansing.

Jon unfortunately is sick so he won't be stopping over, so I'm migrating to my moms today so I can sweat all over her sheets and pillows too..... Cancer means you have to do lots of laundry too, I'm finding.
and I wish I could be at the beach today. No going out in the sun allowed either......

I'm craving a hearty potato lentil soup with celery. Need to remind myself to start one early......

Edit to add- Mom calls at 2PM. Melody has been barfing for the last hour.

quarter to 4:00- and she's still throwing up.
Good grief- I'm thankful to have my mom , that's she's close by and she's a medic. Thankful thankful thankful.
Today I think is the most tired I have ever been.
I had enough energy to do some laundry (ha!), and eat some food. I miss my kids around but if Melody has a bug- it's good she's over there and not here. I don't need to get sick.

It's so hot in here that I had my first welcome thought towards being bald. lol.


<3