and so it begins

it was april 9th that i started my monday getting ready for work. In the shower I come to find a marble sized lump in my armpit. I'd never noticed it before. My reaction was instant ..."whoa, what the hell?". I leave for work pretty early in the AM so everyone else is sleeping at the point I leave for work, but I had to wake up my husband to tell him. I just whispered " I found a lump" and he stirred a bit. i told him I was going to call my OB/GYN immediately so I might need to go in for an appt. after i left work at 3.
That's when the thoughts and googling starts. Breast cancer, lymphoma, maybe an infection.... Googling can be hazardous. lol.

I got right into the OB GYN's office that day- they gave me a 4pm appt. During the appointment the doctor did a breast exam and found a sizable lump in my right breast, and a smaller lump int he left breast- but his main concern was the right side.
"How many people in your family have this?" he asks.
"What? Breast cancer?"
I was shocked. Me? breast cancer? no way. I was a vegetarian, naturally birthed and breastfed both my kids, ate the organic stuff...i don't even use deodorant with aluminum in it. I'm only 35....Then I got scared.
Both my parents had cancer, I smoked cigarettes for just about half my life, and 2 of my aunts and a cousin died from BC on my father's side.
This guy was concerned right off the bat- so I was told I needed to get a mammogram + ultrasound ASAP.

By saturday I had the mammogram done- and tuesday was the ultrasound. Everyone who is looking at these seems so concerned.
Within an hour of my ultrasound, i got the call that I needed to get a biopsy ASAP. all the ASAP shit here and there- yet noone was saying to me what they saw, or could interpret anything.
We had scheduled our family vacation for the coming week and I needed it so bad I was afraid of canceling it.
Immediately I called the fine people of Fox Chase in Philly- they treated both my parents' cancer (Mom had Hodgkin's lymphoma in 95, dad had multiple myeloma from 2002-2010). I was not going locally around here. absolutely not. If I had cancer, I was going to the top right out of the gate.

Unfortunately, Fox Chase didn't take my insurance, but they did see my reports and films and told me I needed to get in now. After I told them about the vacation, they said to go. I would need it because I had to have a biopsy the minute I got back. they referred me to Dr. Miller in Lumberton, who also works as a "satellite" for Fox Chase at an affiliate hospital here in NJ. I was able to get in for the biopsy literally 12 hours after walking in the door from vacation.
That sucker HURT. Both the right breast and that ugly lymph node.
Black and blue and needles - just yuck.
7-10 days I was told I would get the results. More waiting.
It was the longest 9 days of my life. I was beginning to think they lost my samples, or they would just say "You're ok"- no worries. But I worried. I knew what this was and I had a feeling about it right when the mammogram and ultrasound happened.
Something said inside me, "This is not going to be good". All the time everyone was telling me to be 'positive'...but it wasn't going to change the outcome.
May 9. exactly 1 month after finding the lump, I went home early for lunch at 11:30, frustrated I hadn't gotten any results, tired of jumping when the phone rang....
Dr. Miller was on the phone and had just called literally as I was pulling into the driveway. Mark handed me the phone with a worried look.
"It's the doctor...."
"Hi Brianne? We got your results in and unfortunately I do not have good news. ....."
Uck. my stomach sank and he began telling me that I needed to have bone scans, genetic testing, MRI's, Cat scans, scans of my stomach and chest xrays. And that I needed to find a medical oncologist.
I had to ask what the cancer was after all of this.
He said to me that I had breast cancer (invasive carcinoma) and it was also in the lymph node. So it's a traveling cancer. And that I am going to need chemotherapy.
My first reaction was fear. My hands were shaking, I started crying and trying to call my mom at the same time. I had to call my boss and let him know I was not coming back in for the day, I texted my brothers and sisters and it started from there.
Then I got pissed. I must have said "Fuck you" a hundred times in the next hour. I was so pissed this shit messed with me, i wanted to kick something's ass. And that I will.

And the awesome nurse navigator (god bless nurse navigators!!!) dealing with my stuff called me right back and all my things in order to start treatment ASAP . She scheduled me the next morning - 10am for my oncology appointment with Dr. Cairoli. She couldn't say enough good about him so I feel better somewhat.
 Of course I can't sleep so it brings me to starting this blog around 5am and starting what will be a long & winding road. 
In 4 hours I will start to see what exactly is invading my space and pissing me off, and discussing how this is going to go.
........
Fuck you cancer. You will not take me.

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