1:30PM
I let fear get to me....
I was anticipating and manifesting a crappy evening of Neulasta garbage, and I shouldn't have done that. Mind over matter, yes, but deep down inside I was really fearing of a recurrence of last time's trip around the porcelain throne.
Not this time.
Right now I still feel like a pile of achy bones being split open lengthwise, but last evening was much better.
I was able to relax until Mark came home around 10. I just started crying after being alone with my thoughts for 4 hours when he walked through the door. I needed a hug. Then Mark and I got to talk a lot about how we were both feeling about everything. About ourselves, what God is, this stupid cancer's itinerary, and just stuff in general. With 2 kids, it's hard to get that time in to really speak it out and listen sometimes. When he got home last night, I was in bed watching TV and we just hashed it all out for a few hours. The kids were at my mom's so it was a rare occurrence to have a conversation where you don't have to be quiet or watch what you say. lol. It was a bloodletting I think of anxiety, crazy energy, being scared, and communication that needed to be had in our marriage at that time. And that talk released what made me feel like shit the last time. FEAR.
I stored Fear, my enemy, inside where it hid.
No fear in me, no way. I am strong!
Ha. Yeah, right. Who the hell am i to say that?
I am scared, but not afraid. Big difference. I think if we make peace with what life is throwing at us while we can, the fear goes away a little bit more.
It's ok to be scared. I'm staring into death's eyes for Christ sakes....
I slept so well, the headache wasn't nearly as bad as this time, but the next morning I'm still feeling it. Sweating a lot, and splitty bones.
I wanna chop my knees off.
I am tired.
......
4:46 PM
Mom took the kids again, and Mark has left for work. Melody hadn't had a nap and was taking great delight in being a wee beastie. Azalea, perfect child as always, doing the best she can.
I'm laid out and watching as much TV as I like, hydrating, since my major trip outside watering tomatoes took the last bits of energy I had left. The house is quiet and as much as I need the break, I still miss everyone.
The bones are gettin' worse and I'm not having much fun. Bleh. High grade nausea too.
I need a stand-in skeleton right now.....
Night folks~*
xo
b
3 comments:
DOnt beat yourself up for being fearful.You are human. All kids of feelings go hand and in hand with what you are going through. You dont always have to be the tough, strong one. Its good you give yourself permission to explore all your feelings and good you and Mark can talk out his fears too!
it ain't fun but can be done. you're taking care of today, that's all you can do. manage the hell out of it. <3 <3
I am so glad that you and Mark have had time to really talk about what you are both going through. Each day that I read this blog I am in awe of your strength, wisdom and willingness to share this journey so freely and honestly. You are a fearsome warrior lady and you are kicking this cancer's ass! Looking forward to seeing you soon and sharing a hug or two, or three :) XO
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