DAY10
Today was not a good day.
I woke up feeling cruddy. Went into work and left by noon with a splitting headache that's 2 days old and felt sick all day. Constant thirst too.
I slept it off but its quarter to 10 and I still feel like ...bleh.
Haircut has moved to Saturday. Rescheduling for one more day later. It's a cosmic snooze button. Duty calls on Friday and I need to see that things get done at work.
Need sleep and happy that Mark is home tonight.
......
5.31.2012
5.30.2012
almost real.
DAY9
Worked a full 8 hour day today. Besides a nagging headache and being tired when I got home, it went great. I feel great.
And it was cloudy out so I could go outside without the fear of burning myself.
:)
And the air conditioning is fixed too.
It's been thoroughly cleaned to the tune of double the estimate, too. yikes.
My neulasta shots arrived today and I need to keep them in the fridge.
Each shot costs $3,000. Gratefully my insurance covers the entirety besides the copay.
I got 6,000 dollars worth of pharmaceuticals in my fridge. Rite Aid Scarface over here. I'm the only game in town to keep infection down.
I'm going to be absolutely vain and self absorbed right now- but I am going to miss my hair. I love my hair.
The thought of all of it in a pile on the floor scares me a little bit.
Up until now it's been hot and itchy, and I keep telling myself it'll be nice not having hair in the summer.
It's just an attachment, I keep reminding myself. It's just hair.
I cut it all off up to my ears about 14 years ago when i decided to get rid of an head of sad dreadlocks. lol. I was 21. I clean shaved it bald about an inch above my ears on down a few times as a teenager too.
I had no problems then, I won't have one now.
G.I. Jane.
............
I still think with a grey moustache, I'll look just like my dad.
I couldn't let it fall out in clumps though, that makes me think of the Leave it To Beaver episode where the Beav was supposed to get a haircut and his mom gave him the money. But he spent the money and Wally gives him a haircut instead. I laugh when I think of that episode. Good ole 1980s Nickelodeon. My hair would look like that if I just let it fall out. No thanks.
I'm in control here.
I think once the hair goes, then it finally becomes WAR. I got the damn haircut for it.
Silly that I have a giant light up peace sign on the outside of my home ...while at the same time I have a savage thirst in my pirate gullet for murdering tumors.
rawr!!
Ok- Vanity conquered. ..... I'm out for blood.
Worked a full 8 hour day today. Besides a nagging headache and being tired when I got home, it went great. I feel great.
And it was cloudy out so I could go outside without the fear of burning myself.
:)
And the air conditioning is fixed too.
It's been thoroughly cleaned to the tune of double the estimate, too. yikes.
My neulasta shots arrived today and I need to keep them in the fridge.
Each shot costs $3,000. Gratefully my insurance covers the entirety besides the copay.
I got 6,000 dollars worth of pharmaceuticals in my fridge. Rite Aid Scarface over here. I'm the only game in town to keep infection down.
I'm going to be absolutely vain and self absorbed right now- but I am going to miss my hair. I love my hair.
The thought of all of it in a pile on the floor scares me a little bit.
Up until now it's been hot and itchy, and I keep telling myself it'll be nice not having hair in the summer.
It's just an attachment, I keep reminding myself. It's just hair.
I cut it all off up to my ears about 14 years ago when i decided to get rid of an head of sad dreadlocks. lol. I was 21. I clean shaved it bald about an inch above my ears on down a few times as a teenager too.
I had no problems then, I won't have one now.
G.I. Jane.
I still think with a grey moustache, I'll look just like my dad.
I couldn't let it fall out in clumps though, that makes me think of the Leave it To Beaver episode where the Beav was supposed to get a haircut and his mom gave him the money. But he spent the money and Wally gives him a haircut instead. I laugh when I think of that episode. Good ole 1980s Nickelodeon. My hair would look like that if I just let it fall out. No thanks.
I'm in control here.
I think once the hair goes, then it finally becomes WAR. I got the damn haircut for it.
Silly that I have a giant light up peace sign on the outside of my home ...while at the same time I have a savage thirst in my pirate gullet for murdering tumors.
rawr!!
Ok- Vanity conquered. ..... I'm out for blood.
5.29.2012
clouds have passed.....
DAY8
I love this sunshine. I can't go out in it, but I love this sunshine.
My vegetables are doing awesome too. Gonna have tomatoes, cucumbers, spinach, zucchini, beans, kohlrabi and a sunflower very soon.
And I found my first 4 leaf clover of the year.
I seem to pick them out of clover patches most places I go- they really are in more places than people think. One summer, I counted 33 I found in my front yard. I taped them to paper and still have them now and I give them out sometimes too :) I stockpile luck, I guess.
The heat is another story- We haven't had the AC on this whole time because the vents need to be seriously cleaned and sanitized since we skipped it the last few years in the house. It's 87 degrees outside.
The person is coming tomorrow to get up in the attic and clean out the gunk from the intakes and change the filter and run those giant vacuum hoses from each vent into a giant thing in the middle of the driveway.
In the meantime- there's oscillating fans everywhere. My kitchen is a literal greenhouse where it's all windows and boils in the summer. We're all sweating. lol.
I'm grateful for air conditioning. Clean air conditioning though. I don't trust the 1960s stuff up in my attic. lol.
Went back into work today after a really tough time trying to wake up.
I do have to say I am finally sleeping as a result of all of this, something which I haven't seen in 10 years.
Blessed rest.
Work was great. It got my mind off things, I got to sit in air conditioning and was able to talk to other people in person.
The hats and embroidery all agreed on a smooth day.
Overall, I feel ok today. Just tired. Always tired. Trying not to let my liver invade my thoughts too much.
Got a fresh shipment of kale, beets, collards, more kale, and celery today from Grandma and Mom. They took Melody to Wegman's while Mark cleaned some more.
A good day.
We're expecting serious thunderstorms apparently soon too. Another great advantage to the boiling greenhouse kitchen- it's great watching when a summer thunderstorm hits. (even though it's still spring)
:)
My vegetables are doing awesome too. Gonna have tomatoes, cucumbers, spinach, zucchini, beans, kohlrabi and a sunflower very soon.
And I found my first 4 leaf clover of the year.
I seem to pick them out of clover patches most places I go- they really are in more places than people think. One summer, I counted 33 I found in my front yard. I taped them to paper and still have them now and I give them out sometimes too :) I stockpile luck, I guess.
The heat is another story- We haven't had the AC on this whole time because the vents need to be seriously cleaned and sanitized since we skipped it the last few years in the house. It's 87 degrees outside.
The person is coming tomorrow to get up in the attic and clean out the gunk from the intakes and change the filter and run those giant vacuum hoses from each vent into a giant thing in the middle of the driveway.
In the meantime- there's oscillating fans everywhere. My kitchen is a literal greenhouse where it's all windows and boils in the summer. We're all sweating. lol.
I'm grateful for air conditioning. Clean air conditioning though. I don't trust the 1960s stuff up in my attic. lol.
Went back into work today after a really tough time trying to wake up.
I do have to say I am finally sleeping as a result of all of this, something which I haven't seen in 10 years.
Blessed rest.
Work was great. It got my mind off things, I got to sit in air conditioning and was able to talk to other people in person.
The hats and embroidery all agreed on a smooth day.
Overall, I feel ok today. Just tired. Always tired. Trying not to let my liver invade my thoughts too much.
Got a fresh shipment of kale, beets, collards, more kale, and celery today from Grandma and Mom. They took Melody to Wegman's while Mark cleaned some more.
A good day.
We're expecting serious thunderstorms apparently soon too. Another great advantage to the boiling greenhouse kitchen- it's great watching when a summer thunderstorm hits. (even though it's still spring)
:)
5.27.2012
easy like sunday morning *
DAY6
I felt great today. :) Very little fatigue considering- But I was able to snuggle and hang out with the kids today. Melody wasn't a whiny clingy kid today- so it made it a lot easier. She was her normal sweet cuddly self today- Azalea hung out today too. Mark left around 5 to play in Asbury tonight, but he should be home around 10.
Made a killer soup full of greens and potatoes and lentils and beans and I loaded it up with turmeric, which made the soup and my home smell like Christmas. Cooked for 4 hours proper.
My appetite was kickin' today - I couldn't eat enough food (good stuff of course besides the double chocolate chip Haagen Dazs I was craving like crazy. My mom told me not to eat ice cream like that since it has so much fat and calories and I don't need them. I thought that was hilarious.
I think I ate enough kale, chard and beets in the last 2 days to cancel out ice cream just for today :)
I think I've had my fill of American Pickers, too.
I feel good to emerge from a 5 day fog of senses.... slowly but surely ....
My hair goes bye bye Friday. eek!
I felt great today. :) Very little fatigue considering- But I was able to snuggle and hang out with the kids today. Melody wasn't a whiny clingy kid today- so it made it a lot easier. She was her normal sweet cuddly self today- Azalea hung out today too. Mark left around 5 to play in Asbury tonight, but he should be home around 10.
Made a killer soup full of greens and potatoes and lentils and beans and I loaded it up with turmeric, which made the soup and my home smell like Christmas. Cooked for 4 hours proper.
My appetite was kickin' today - I couldn't eat enough food (good stuff of course besides the double chocolate chip Haagen Dazs I was craving like crazy. My mom told me not to eat ice cream like that since it has so much fat and calories and I don't need them. I thought that was hilarious.
I think I ate enough kale, chard and beets in the last 2 days to cancel out ice cream just for today :)
I think I've had my fill of American Pickers, too.
I feel good to emerge from a 5 day fog of senses.... slowly but surely ....
My hair goes bye bye Friday. eek!
5.26.2012
solo saturday
DAY5
I'm losing track of days and normal hours now. It's noon and I just woke up.
I can gauge a day's time by usually who's anchoring the Channel 2 news...It's a weirdo sundial.
I feel like I'm sweating out all the water I'm drinking. This chemo puts you into menopause because it's shutting down the DNA that replicates the cancer cells, and cuts off any hormone feeding it or making any more.
So I'm sweaty and being a slight bitch. Sleeping a lot. My mom the great soul she is knew Mark was leaving at 5am this morning and said to call her when the kids got up. She picked them up this morning after the awakening of of a screaming toddler, an angry 9 year old, and a cup off coffee being taken down by a little person and spilled all over the kitchen floor.
Really? ...like really?
. It's a Calgon commercial. lol
Mom came by and got them and I just went right back to bed for another 4 hours.
This will be more bearable once the air conditioning comes on- we are waiting to get the vents sanitized and cleaned out before cranking it the first time of the year.
Just exhausted and sweaty- given this new quiet today I was able to stop and breathe and deal with the thoughts of life and how just 2 months ago, none of this existed. It blows your mind.
Something that pisses me off a whole lot- and it's such a fuel for this battle- is the fact I can feel all this cancer. Physically, with my hands. That lymph node, the large marble sized tumor in my breast that has it's connectors running to the lymph node. It makes me angry that I have a tiny construction factory of evil cells inside me - like Fraggle Rock in Hell. It's a piece of ugly tissue jewelry I want to rip off.
Seeing it on an MRI confirms all the little tunnels and highways..... the goal of this chemo is to treat the "body, body, body" as my oncologist says. It's to stop any little flying Dozer anywhere in my system to attach itself to another organ and start building. I keep visualizing all the light and strength and prayers when i breathe and breathe it IN.....then garbage out- breathing out the black shit the cancer has made. Today's breathing felt particularly awesome and cleansing.
Jon unfortunately is sick so he won't be stopping over, so I'm migrating to my moms today so I can sweat all over her sheets and pillows too..... Cancer means you have to do lots of laundry too, I'm finding.
and I wish I could be at the beach today. No going out in the sun allowed either......
I'm craving a hearty potato lentil soup with celery. Need to remind myself to start one early......
Edit to add- Mom calls at 2PM. Melody has been barfing for the last hour.
quarter to 4:00- and she's still throwing up.
Good grief- I'm thankful to have my mom , that's she's close by and she's a medic. Thankful thankful thankful.
Today I think is the most tired I have ever been.
I had enough energy to do some laundry (ha!), and eat some food. I miss my kids around but if Melody has a bug- it's good she's over there and not here. I don't need to get sick.
It's so hot in here that I had my first welcome thought towards being bald. lol.
<3
I'm losing track of days and normal hours now. It's noon and I just woke up.
I can gauge a day's time by usually who's anchoring the Channel 2 news...It's a weirdo sundial.
I feel like I'm sweating out all the water I'm drinking. This chemo puts you into menopause because it's shutting down the DNA that replicates the cancer cells, and cuts off any hormone feeding it or making any more.
So I'm sweaty and being a slight bitch. Sleeping a lot. My mom the great soul she is knew Mark was leaving at 5am this morning and said to call her when the kids got up. She picked them up this morning after the awakening of of a screaming toddler, an angry 9 year old, and a cup off coffee being taken down by a little person and spilled all over the kitchen floor.
Really? ...like really?
. It's a Calgon commercial. lol
Mom came by and got them and I just went right back to bed for another 4 hours.
This will be more bearable once the air conditioning comes on- we are waiting to get the vents sanitized and cleaned out before cranking it the first time of the year.
Just exhausted and sweaty- given this new quiet today I was able to stop and breathe and deal with the thoughts of life and how just 2 months ago, none of this existed. It blows your mind.
Something that pisses me off a whole lot- and it's such a fuel for this battle- is the fact I can feel all this cancer. Physically, with my hands. That lymph node, the large marble sized tumor in my breast that has it's connectors running to the lymph node. It makes me angry that I have a tiny construction factory of evil cells inside me - like Fraggle Rock in Hell. It's a piece of ugly tissue jewelry I want to rip off.
Seeing it on an MRI confirms all the little tunnels and highways..... the goal of this chemo is to treat the "body, body, body" as my oncologist says. It's to stop any little flying Dozer anywhere in my system to attach itself to another organ and start building. I keep visualizing all the light and strength and prayers when i breathe and breathe it IN.....then garbage out- breathing out the black shit the cancer has made. Today's breathing felt particularly awesome and cleansing.
Jon unfortunately is sick so he won't be stopping over, so I'm migrating to my moms today so I can sweat all over her sheets and pillows too..... Cancer means you have to do lots of laundry too, I'm finding.
and I wish I could be at the beach today. No going out in the sun allowed either......
I'm craving a hearty potato lentil soup with celery. Need to remind myself to start one early......
Edit to add- Mom calls at 2PM. Melody has been barfing for the last hour.
quarter to 4:00- and she's still throwing up.
Good grief- I'm thankful to have my mom , that's she's close by and she's a medic. Thankful thankful thankful.
Today I think is the most tired I have ever been.
I had enough energy to do some laundry (ha!), and eat some food. I miss my kids around but if Melody has a bug- it's good she's over there and not here. I don't need to get sick.
It's so hot in here that I had my first welcome thought towards being bald. lol.
<3
5.25.2012
The day the bennies arrive.
DAY4
Woke up not being able to drag myself out of bed- but after some coffee and water, I was up and about. More run down than yesterday. Keeping my nausea at bay the best I can......
It hit me this morning how much Melody is affected subconsciously throughout all of this as well as Azalea is. Melody will be 2 in August, she has no concept of life or death or sick yet. But she does need a mommy and I'm going to do the best I can. She has become a little bit more temperamental and whiny since this al happened. She knows.
Since she was a born, she would settle down to rest and grab a handful of my hair while she was nursing, or had her bottle...and it would soothe her to sleep. I'll miss that every night.
Normal everyday activities like changing her diaper, giving her a bath, making her food I can do, playing with her, but it's different where I just haven't had the energy. I feel as if this kid is going to miss out on 100% of a mommy with all of this bullshit going on. It's making me a little sad today. This does not detract from my fight though. I will do whatever I can to give this child the most normal not-sick mother I can muster. I'm grateful for the boardwalk and beach being so close by too. The kids LOVE the weekly trips to the boardwalk. It's one of the best part of the summer :) I can't wait.
Memorial day weekend though, I'm staying close to home. In years past - we always went up to Camp KeeWanee in Massachusetts for Strangecreek. Mark played and I vended the goods- it was a nice getaway from the inaugural bennie weekend. It was a nice sight to see them all migrating away from the beach as we drove over the Driscoll Bridge on our way home Monday. Mark is still going up there- he's playing at 1pm on Saturday, so I won't have him around all day Saturday. I think my brother Jon should be around to help.
I think I'll be ok though. Azalea's been doing great in the role of a sort of babysitter for Melody when I need to rest. I have 2 of the most awesome children...... and an awesome husband- Mark hasn't been feeling very well and still continues to kick ass around the house the best he can despite his sinus cold...
I'm loaded up on greens, and juicing is the daily bread. <3 Besides some nausea, I'm feeling ok. Still very hungry. :)
yay!
Woke up not being able to drag myself out of bed- but after some coffee and water, I was up and about. More run down than yesterday. Keeping my nausea at bay the best I can......It hit me this morning how much Melody is affected subconsciously throughout all of this as well as Azalea is. Melody will be 2 in August, she has no concept of life or death or sick yet. But she does need a mommy and I'm going to do the best I can. She has become a little bit more temperamental and whiny since this al happened. She knows.
Since she was a born, she would settle down to rest and grab a handful of my hair while she was nursing, or had her bottle...and it would soothe her to sleep. I'll miss that every night.
Normal everyday activities like changing her diaper, giving her a bath, making her food I can do, playing with her, but it's different where I just haven't had the energy. I feel as if this kid is going to miss out on 100% of a mommy with all of this bullshit going on. It's making me a little sad today. This does not detract from my fight though. I will do whatever I can to give this child the most normal not-sick mother I can muster. I'm grateful for the boardwalk and beach being so close by too. The kids LOVE the weekly trips to the boardwalk. It's one of the best part of the summer :) I can't wait.
Memorial day weekend though, I'm staying close to home. In years past - we always went up to Camp KeeWanee in Massachusetts for Strangecreek. Mark played and I vended the goods- it was a nice getaway from the inaugural bennie weekend. It was a nice sight to see them all migrating away from the beach as we drove over the Driscoll Bridge on our way home Monday. Mark is still going up there- he's playing at 1pm on Saturday, so I won't have him around all day Saturday. I think my brother Jon should be around to help.
I think I'll be ok though. Azalea's been doing great in the role of a sort of babysitter for Melody when I need to rest. I have 2 of the most awesome children...... and an awesome husband- Mark hasn't been feeling very well and still continues to kick ass around the house the best he can despite his sinus cold...
I'm loaded up on greens, and juicing is the daily bread. <3 Besides some nausea, I'm feeling ok. Still very hungry. :)
yay!
5.24.2012
Rest! What a concept!
DAY3
Today I feel pretty alright.
I woke up feelng very beat up, but once I got up and around, I got my bearings and felt a lot better as the morning went on. Coffee still tastes good. I can feel the steroids leaving my body. I do not like them.
My mother took Melody today to give us a break from the terrible twos and Mark really kicked ass at finishing up some cleaning that needed to get done.
I love my daughter very much, but the peace I got to sleep today was precious. Thanks mom <3 She also kept her awake all day so she would sleep for me early since Mark is leaving at 6:30 tonight for work. BLESSING! lol.
I also had to spend the morning making sure another MRI was scheduled. In the routine tests before chemo, they found a small spot on my liver that could well easily be fatty tissue on my CAT scan. My oncology nurse said that was a normal thing for those things to show up. So it's back to the Skrillex machine June 5th.
I think it's nothing but the fact I accidentally ate a handful of sunflower seeds before my scan when I forgot about the fasting rule, as well as all the anxiety medication called Malbec I had during my month from discovery to diagnosis. lol. So I'll rule out any tumor on my liver right now. Not me. It's just wine and sunflower seeds.
I'll be ok. Just to make sure though, I took a nap earlier with my Padre Pio blessed handkerchief on my stomach.
I've been fascinated with Padre Pio since I was a kid reading the "Book of Lists" in our house. Now I am not a religious person per say, but I absolutely believe that some people walk this earth as healers, mystics, blessed people and channels to the other side. The ones that fly around crowing how much they are a part of the other side are charlatans, IMO. This is not confined to any school of thought, religious symbol or prophet....Jesus, Padre Pio, Buddha,...whatever faith or belief system, if the the practice is based in good and love, as well as acceptance of everyone...that's spirituality for me. I"m not a fan of those who claim to know what religion "GOD" is.
I also believe our biggest powers of self come from within. I know some of my scripture following friends would disagree with me and say I'm wrong, but we're all not the same as humans, and Jesus knew that too.
The power of prayer is HUGE to me though- collective meditation and directed good intentions. Amazing, the powers it has. Good intentions. Love....Transcends all religion. I love you guys so much :)
Back to Padre Pio, he was a cool priest in Italy that recently became a saint- he performed miracles, healed, appeared in 2 places at once and also experienced stigmata, where the wounds of Christ appeared on his hands every Friday I beleive. You can't fake stigmata. lol. Padre is the real deal. My grandfather actually got to attend one of his masses in Italy in the 40s in WWII, and has some awesome photos. Very angelic. My family is big on Padre. :)
My appetite was really good today- I was starving for a good part of the day, craving greens, and my veggie juices. I feel a lot better after i eat 'em. I'm starting to feel disgusted at certain things too=- It's like being pregnant all over again!
Feeling that sensation too like I ate something really hot and it burned the inside of my mouth is also another chemo side effect.
My boss stopped by today to give me a hug and say hello with a present, and I got a sweet surprise from my sister and her BF Brian today in the mail. She sent me a handpainted mug she made that said "Love" and a really awesome cardinal pillow which I am going to bring with me to my chemo appointments so it'll be a nice reminder of my dad being with me <3
If he was alive, all he would tell me to do is "REST".
He was big on that- so I am doing the best I can. For someone who has constant thoughts running through my head , and can't sit still - rest is a learned behavior.
I'm learning now that it's ok to heal and miss a few hours in the day, and to have faith that things will get done and I don't have to do them all.
It's great.
Still learning though.
I hope tomorrow copies today in how I feel physically. <3
More onward into breathing Good In, Garbage Out.
xo
b
Today I feel pretty alright.
I woke up feelng very beat up, but once I got up and around, I got my bearings and felt a lot better as the morning went on. Coffee still tastes good. I can feel the steroids leaving my body. I do not like them.
My mother took Melody today to give us a break from the terrible twos and Mark really kicked ass at finishing up some cleaning that needed to get done.
I love my daughter very much, but the peace I got to sleep today was precious. Thanks mom <3 She also kept her awake all day so she would sleep for me early since Mark is leaving at 6:30 tonight for work. BLESSING! lol.
I also had to spend the morning making sure another MRI was scheduled. In the routine tests before chemo, they found a small spot on my liver that could well easily be fatty tissue on my CAT scan. My oncology nurse said that was a normal thing for those things to show up. So it's back to the Skrillex machine June 5th.
I think it's nothing but the fact I accidentally ate a handful of sunflower seeds before my scan when I forgot about the fasting rule, as well as all the anxiety medication called Malbec I had during my month from discovery to diagnosis. lol. So I'll rule out any tumor on my liver right now. Not me. It's just wine and sunflower seeds.
I'll be ok. Just to make sure though, I took a nap earlier with my Padre Pio blessed handkerchief on my stomach.
I've been fascinated with Padre Pio since I was a kid reading the "Book of Lists" in our house. Now I am not a religious person per say, but I absolutely believe that some people walk this earth as healers, mystics, blessed people and channels to the other side. The ones that fly around crowing how much they are a part of the other side are charlatans, IMO. This is not confined to any school of thought, religious symbol or prophet....Jesus, Padre Pio, Buddha,...whatever faith or belief system, if the the practice is based in good and love, as well as acceptance of everyone...that's spirituality for me. I"m not a fan of those who claim to know what religion "GOD" is.
I also believe our biggest powers of self come from within. I know some of my scripture following friends would disagree with me and say I'm wrong, but we're all not the same as humans, and Jesus knew that too.
The power of prayer is HUGE to me though- collective meditation and directed good intentions. Amazing, the powers it has. Good intentions. Love....Transcends all religion. I love you guys so much :)
Back to Padre Pio, he was a cool priest in Italy that recently became a saint- he performed miracles, healed, appeared in 2 places at once and also experienced stigmata, where the wounds of Christ appeared on his hands every Friday I beleive. You can't fake stigmata. lol. Padre is the real deal. My grandfather actually got to attend one of his masses in Italy in the 40s in WWII, and has some awesome photos. Very angelic. My family is big on Padre. :)
My appetite was really good today- I was starving for a good part of the day, craving greens, and my veggie juices. I feel a lot better after i eat 'em. I'm starting to feel disgusted at certain things too=- It's like being pregnant all over again!
Feeling that sensation too like I ate something really hot and it burned the inside of my mouth is also another chemo side effect.
My boss stopped by today to give me a hug and say hello with a present, and I got a sweet surprise from my sister and her BF Brian today in the mail. She sent me a handpainted mug she made that said "Love" and a really awesome cardinal pillow which I am going to bring with me to my chemo appointments so it'll be a nice reminder of my dad being with me <3
If he was alive, all he would tell me to do is "REST".
He was big on that- so I am doing the best I can. For someone who has constant thoughts running through my head , and can't sit still - rest is a learned behavior.
I'm learning now that it's ok to heal and miss a few hours in the day, and to have faith that things will get done and I don't have to do them all.
It's great.
Still learning though.
I hope tomorrow copies today in how I feel physically. <3
More onward into breathing Good In, Garbage Out.
xo
b
5.23.2012
in the wee small hours of the morning.
the time is now 4:10, and y'all are watching Perspectives!...
DAY2
Couldn't sleep so good - woke up drenched in sweat and having really weird and bizarre dreams, talking in my sleep so much I was waking up myself up having imaginary conversations with Mark.
Red was a prevalent color...like a Kubrick movie or something. Maybe the red chemo colored my dreams too.
or Frank LLoyd Wright decided to visit me and create my brain into "FallingWater"
I felt covered in toxin sweat so i took a shower.
I'm just very tired, can't sleep. thirsty and i need to keep my stomach full.
More racing thoughts go through my head. The cancer has a 50% chance of being in another organ being it be so concentrated on a lymph node.The doctor said 50%, so I say 0%. Numbers are only fun when they are meant to measure actual planes.
dig?
(posting now 4 hours later)
I got a little more sleep- I had to get up to stay upright for an hour or two. I feel tired, with a weird pain in my chest- nothing serious though- it feels like a bone thing.
I doubt I'm starting to get side effects already....
Doing lots of breathing...Good In, Garbage Out. Good In, Garbage OUT.
Another side thought is my body's weird obsession with the right side for issues. and I truly wonder if these are all connected- because basically- these are also kinda lymphatic, if you think about it. A number of months ago I suffered from a severe tooth infection from a previous extraction which needed my jaw to get cut open, infection removed and 2 inches of my jaw and teeth removed. It was probably the worst tooth infection and most painful I have ever had. Right side (lymph nodes under the jaw and very deep dental roots) ... and my neck/back nerves were getting pinched very terribly lately- the past 6 years. So bad where I couldn't hold a pen, or paint without my hand shaking.
I finally found a massage therapist who fixed it- and then subsequently found a new chiropractor (Dr. Mark!) who has been treating it from then on. Muscles work with the lymphatic system. Right side.
I'm right handed too.
Most of my tattoos are on my left side, maybe the right side was getting jealous?
Time for a lymphatic balance something. This new green juicing with help this too I'm sure... More googling. lol.
and that was just a small bit of what keeps me awake at night.
Now that I am armed with more info about my cancer, I can get started on target specific reading, which I was craving this whole time.
It's a good feeling to know 90% of the picture at least....
More to be added later I'm sure. Off for more rest and more phone calls to make sure everything is ok with the Neulasta drama....
6:24 PM-
I'm hitting a wall.
It's kinda difficult trying to keep a 20 month old in line on an especially cranky day feeling like this.
I just want to lie down and rest. Mark left for his teaching job today from about 4-9.
Azalea has been such a huge help. Melody can be a handful for anyone. I'm giving my mom the day off today because the next 2 days for me are going to not be fun.
Starting to feel the ick sinking in, nauseous, blech. Drinking lots of water, nibbling food here and there and the juice.
So I'm making dinner and planning on hitting the hay with Melody early, providing she'll lie down with me and I get a break.
I went to the chiropractor today- I feel a lot better from that at least......
Otherwise, it's an icky feeling end to an otherwise sunshine day :)
No neulasta - they are giving me a 3 week window on this chemo till June 12 for the next one. Then I get the Neulasta shots and the chemo goes back to the 2 week scehdule. This 3 week hiccup actually might allow me to go to Stonehenge :) (the PA festival- not england) ...
Anyway- my mom came over to help. - I'm gonna lie down and chill. Till tomorrow folks ....
another side note: Rest in Peace, Robin Gibb <3 loved his music so much :)
5.22.2012
twas the night before chemo...and all through the house...
....heh heh.
Last night wasn't very good, I allowed some really negative personal energy from someone really get the best of me, as well as my daughter. The night before chemo wasn't very a calm one, I hate to say.
But I went to bed, and after a pretty restless sleep, i finally woke up in Legend of Zelda mode. On my way to ultimately defeat Gannon, I needed special implements. I feel like I got through a shitty part of video game and won a sheild for my trial battle. lol. (If you played Zelda back in the 80s like I did, you understand this-lol)
But I went to bed, and after a pretty restless sleep, i finally woke up in Legend of Zelda mode. On my way to ultimately defeat Gannon, I needed special implements. I feel like I got through a shitty part of video game and won a sheild for my trial battle. lol. (If you played Zelda back in the 80s like I did, you understand this-lol)
I just cast that garbage away, won my battle inside and got my shield.
Deflecting that close bad shit is necessary will absolutely have to happen.
TREATMENT STARTS:
DAY1 - may 22, 2012
With a calm self and hydrating like an elephant, I woke up to get the kids ready for grandma's and school- 8:30 we left Point Pleasant for the trek down Route 70 onward to Virtua in Mount Holly. The Fox Chase floor is the entire part of the hospital.... Mark finally was able to come with me on one of these trips out west, so it was great to have him there. After the usual BP and weight, I met with Dr Cairoli and his personal RN Phyllis. Phyillis was great to talk to - she answered any question we had well, bascially said there's no restrictions.
Something happened with my next day Neulasta prescription where I wasn't able to get it tomorrow, so it pushes my next chemo up a week to a 3 week schedule. Once the Neulasta comes in, we can go back to the 2 week schedule. (x 4 visits)
So I really wasn't nervous about the visit. That sense of sheild, peace and calm was very much present.
I felt like I was being asked to jump out of a plane. A plane that had lost its engines.... Nothing to do...just..jump. After a small exam of the tumors, we asked our questions regarding chiropratic/raw jucing/ going out...etc. No restrictions they said. Go about life, juice, get adjusted, what have you.
So that's cool.
I also got my pathology that I was waiting for - I am ER(Estrogen Receptor) Positive, as well as PR (Progesterone Receptor) Positive- which means that the cancer cells love my hormones. good news! My veins are nice and fat and good , so no port needed! I was told that the nurses are going to crazy over my great veins. lol.
So they like to play with my DNA and create too many yucky things. But I am also HER-, which leaves it all to the estrogen to cause all the problems and leave the proteins out of it.
Either way- It's stage IIIA. Which means it's a nice size tumor, it's shacked up with the neaby lymphnodes and had a party. Kinda like that cool monorail that goes from the Luxor to the Excalibur in Vegas....
So in one line- stage IIIa breast cancer... ER+/PR+/HER2-
I was waiting almost a month for those tests.....
Onto the chemo room where we chose the smaller, "quiet room" chemo room- no tvs, about 7 chemo chairs. They had another larger chemo room with TVs, but doing it low key was better. It reminded me of the regular betting at a horse track vs. the partierre box betting. lol. I've been in those chemo rooms before too and I wouldn't prefer to listen to FOX news getting this done. Or CNN, or golf, or NASCAR. Judge Judy, yes....
The quiet room was chill, I met 2 other women with breast cancer, but both recurrent. One of the women's husbands as there with her, a drill sergeant in the Army. They had such a great vibe- they welcomed us on our "first time" and talked about the attitude and drive you need to have for this..... We all hit it off real well.
2 hours of IV flushes, an Ativan (blech), Adriamycin and Cytoxan (also known by the fancy name : AC)...
If your cancer has spread like mine, the toxic shit is a necessity.
It all took only about 4 hours total.....
I don't feel anything but tired and the need to sleep.
I peed red from the Adriamycin(the drug is red) . That was weird.
I expect something to happen in the next few days, I just need to eat, chug water like crazy and rest for 'em.....
I really don't ever take any Rx meds, an antibiotic here and there , I wonder what the hell my body must be thinking at this point. LOL.
I'm very tired and I need to call it an evening <3
I'm doing this.
<3
b
5.20.2012
cancer's amazing powers.
Still no pathology word. I'm assuming things are ok....so we progress back to living forward.
This has been on my mind lately, this whole cancer thing. Things happen to us i truly believe as lessons. To teach us. Whether it be having a child, hitting a bad patch where our worst shines through, sickness, the sickness of a loved one.....
To make it simple, I'm grateful for this. I have seen so much in myself and especially others since this whole thing started..... I needed to eat more vegetables, I needed to talk to my family more often, I needed to chill out in being the anxiety ridden double Virgo I am. I worried about everything.
My dad died in 2010, I had a baby 5 months later, my husband had what they thought was a mini-stroke in September last year. All these things made me stop and check myself and say "I need to change the way I __________" It was always about something I worried about, or did, or felt towards others that was my agenda. Well thats just stupid ego, I found.
When you find yourself with cancer, something that will 100% kill you if you do not fight and take action, it is the ulitmate ass kicker. and it does not discriminate.
Things now, I find myself more patient, more in love with the simple things, more engaged in life - so much more than any other time in my life. And more in love with the people that stand next to me in life. Little things don't matter. What someone said doesn't bother me any more. Thinking I may have screwed up doesn't matter.
That's the ego. Me worrying about how dumb shit would affect me. Cancer is the evil Kraken that shakes you to your very living core of all things psychic and physical. and it kills your ego too if you let it. And ya know what- if no other life experience has killed it yet, this definitely did. and that's why I am grateful. I'm learning to finally live that life without that ego.
The kindess of others has staggered me. Every note, card, phone call, hug, well wish, offer of help, and the help I cannot be more grateful for. Seriously. (and nancy, I know you are reading this and you are my inspiration so much right now!!!)
Last night Mark played at a regular bar of his in New Brunswick, a mardi gras themed cute little bar in the heart of Rutgers country. The love of all the people who came out to see me off on my road (and even the ones that were there in spirit) gave my heart so much joy. The support is overwhelming. I wish I could bake you all cookies!!!!! (Someday I will too!) I also got to see the girls from high school I haven't seen in just about 18 years earlier in the day, and it was great to just sit and chill and reconnect with some really fabulous women.
Little stuff and other's dramas seem small to me. like too small for me to even waste my energy on it. We've got bigger fish to fry in life. and that fish is love. fry it and eat it up and let it fill you up. What kind of change is it if you allow small garbage to weigh your armor down in battle?
Sorry if I sound sappy but the whole esoteric side to this disease is really knocking in my head. I have no more tests to worry about for now, and chemo is the DAY AFTER TOMORROW. eek! lol.
these past posts was the driveway, Tuesday I get on the major freeway.
I have some anxiety over it. I do have to do my best at work tomorrow.
I also took my mom, Mark and the girls to the wig store in Englishtown to pick out my new hair. I'm not too big on haircuts- probably 1 real haircut in the last 15 years- a few trims in between.... it's a long pile of thick grey and brown dyed black about down to my lower back. I got the Cadillac of wigs with real hair, and hell. It's a perfect head of hair. lol. I was telling my mother I have to jump on it and grind it in to the pavement to break it in and give it that look. lol. It's long and black though, and I'm totally psyched to not have to worry about touching up my grey roots at ALL. We also went to the Seaside boardwalk today, and I saw a guy doing hair wraps on some teenage girl. I thought it might be funny to one day ask the guy if he would do a wrap for me, sit down, and then get up during the hair wrap as the hair stays in his hand. wakka wakka! That's me. Not normal and always the wiseass.
June 1st at noon I go GI Jane behind wig store doors, and leave with the greatest hair I've ever had. lol.
I've always wondered what my head looks like. Maybe I'll be surprised with a giant Gorbachev birthmark!
This has been on my mind lately, this whole cancer thing. Things happen to us i truly believe as lessons. To teach us. Whether it be having a child, hitting a bad patch where our worst shines through, sickness, the sickness of a loved one.....
To make it simple, I'm grateful for this. I have seen so much in myself and especially others since this whole thing started..... I needed to eat more vegetables, I needed to talk to my family more often, I needed to chill out in being the anxiety ridden double Virgo I am. I worried about everything.
My dad died in 2010, I had a baby 5 months later, my husband had what they thought was a mini-stroke in September last year. All these things made me stop and check myself and say "I need to change the way I __________" It was always about something I worried about, or did, or felt towards others that was my agenda. Well thats just stupid ego, I found.
When you find yourself with cancer, something that will 100% kill you if you do not fight and take action, it is the ulitmate ass kicker. and it does not discriminate.
Things now, I find myself more patient, more in love with the simple things, more engaged in life - so much more than any other time in my life. And more in love with the people that stand next to me in life. Little things don't matter. What someone said doesn't bother me any more. Thinking I may have screwed up doesn't matter.
That's the ego. Me worrying about how dumb shit would affect me. Cancer is the evil Kraken that shakes you to your very living core of all things psychic and physical. and it kills your ego too if you let it. And ya know what- if no other life experience has killed it yet, this definitely did. and that's why I am grateful. I'm learning to finally live that life without that ego.
The kindess of others has staggered me. Every note, card, phone call, hug, well wish, offer of help, and the help I cannot be more grateful for. Seriously. (and nancy, I know you are reading this and you are my inspiration so much right now!!!)
 |
| me and my best bounce house friend rocco giving cancer the official new jersey salute. |
Little stuff and other's dramas seem small to me. like too small for me to even waste my energy on it. We've got bigger fish to fry in life. and that fish is love. fry it and eat it up and let it fill you up. What kind of change is it if you allow small garbage to weigh your armor down in battle?
Sorry if I sound sappy but the whole esoteric side to this disease is really knocking in my head. I have no more tests to worry about for now, and chemo is the DAY AFTER TOMORROW. eek! lol.
these past posts was the driveway, Tuesday I get on the major freeway.
I have some anxiety over it. I do have to do my best at work tomorrow.
I also took my mom, Mark and the girls to the wig store in Englishtown to pick out my new hair. I'm not too big on haircuts- probably 1 real haircut in the last 15 years- a few trims in between.... it's a long pile of thick grey and brown dyed black about down to my lower back. I got the Cadillac of wigs with real hair, and hell. It's a perfect head of hair. lol. I was telling my mother I have to jump on it and grind it in to the pavement to break it in and give it that look. lol. It's long and black though, and I'm totally psyched to not have to worry about touching up my grey roots at ALL. We also went to the Seaside boardwalk today, and I saw a guy doing hair wraps on some teenage girl. I thought it might be funny to one day ask the guy if he would do a wrap for me, sit down, and then get up during the hair wrap as the hair stays in his hand. wakka wakka! That's me. Not normal and always the wiseass.
June 1st at noon I go GI Jane behind wig store doors, and leave with the greatest hair I've ever had. lol.
I've always wondered what my head looks like. Maybe I'll be surprised with a giant Gorbachev birthmark!
5.17.2012
down day...kinda
I had to take off early since I had yet more calls to make- make sure i visited the dentist before chemo starts, set up a meeting with the wig people, set everything up with my local ACS branch for any services they offer. I found out my insurance covers my wig 100%.
Not sure if i'll rock one all the time- it is summer and I'm sure I'll be hot and itchy.... The cosplay long hair wigs I found rule and take hot irons too.... I'm gonna order one to see how it goes. If i like it, I'll get a few more.
And I took the Ninja back to the store. That thing sucked. So inconvenient. plus it said it juiced on the box ---and it does not juice. I bought a standby juicer for the time being since our other one is a POS and slowly shitting the bed.
Rocking my kale, broccoli, carrots, celery, beets and spinach.... getting the blood ready for an onslaught of a heavy toxic bomb.
Checking out at Lowe's today- I noticed a priest was working there. full collar and cross- he wound up being my cashier and told me not to ride the broom mop i bought. lol. I wanted so bad to leave my transaction with the words "May the Lord be with you". all 15 years of Catholic school I know that mass by heart.I didn't say it though. I did inquire to another employee as to why a priest was working there and she said that he was "in between churches". lol
??? ok. add it to the small weird oddities I've been noticing lately.
and my husband is the greatest. I have to say that right here. So much we have gone through in our 14 years together... I don't know where I would be without the fabulous model of a real man he is. I love you hun <3
I've also noticed a major increase of birds landing and speaking close to me. Cue the Carpenters here <3
I had the red tail hawk, countless cardinals flying in my path while driving, and a blue jay and redwing blackbird visit me closer than any bird ever has in the past. Either my dad is hanging out with me or what....they;re everywhere though. I like good signs.
Tomorrow I get to go to Azie's school and teach tie dye.... :) so happy about that. :) a busy day of early morning work>blood test>mixing dyes> off to school.....
I need rest but I have so much to do. I would give anything right now for a full day of sleep without tests, needles, doctors calls, work, or mommy stuff. I am exhausted.
5.16.2012
the weight is gone.....
The weight of having to break the news to a really sensitive kid is gone- We told Azie yesterday.
One of the hardest things I expected to do, but she was just awesome. She did cry but that's normal.
We've always emphasized that some cancers go away, and some cancers don't. She knows about breast cancer from all the pink ribbons and baseball players and things on tv, and I have always told her even before this diagnosis that breast cancer is one that can be beatable.
I reiterated that my doctors are the best, and I'm going to have medicine to get rid of the cancer, which will make me lose my hair.
I think that shocked her the most.
I explained that my hair is just my hair and that it would grow back. She was a little freaked about the bald thing, but she smiled when I asked if she wanted to help me pick out wigs.
A kid at the prime age of self esteem building in a little girl, this has to be tough for her....
She also knows that she can talk to anyone around us about any of her feelings, ask questions, everything. She's wise beyond her years.
Overall we emphasized laughing about all of this. It's ok for things to be funny. It's ok to laugh. But Mommy's gonna kick this thing in the ass, and do it well.
She doesn't like cursing- go figure- now she knows why mommy was listening to Cee-Lo's song so many times. "Forget You" just doesn't convey the thought so well, IMHO. lol. bood for radio edits. lol.
Yesterday was also my first full day back at work- It was nice to have a diversion of thinking, but the 2:00 tired is worse. Maybe because I've had enough days to get back into sleeping a little past my alarm, or it could be the cancer.
I also went back to the gyno who found the lump yesterday too for a routine follow up- I judged this guy because of his hurriedness in the intial exam and appalled at him saying it was cancer right off the bat- but he was right. And this time, he listened to me, the whole story, and was nothing but reassuring. He gave me a hug at the end of the visit , told me to stay strong and that I'll beat this, and he deferred the co-pay for the visit.
I judged this guy because of my preconceived notions of doctors because I never had any good experience with one. I'm learning that as much as I don't beleive myself to be that judgmental, I am more than I'd like to admit. This cancer is showing itself as a bigger lesson of life, the big kick in the ass of straightening out the shit once and for all.
I beat myself up too much and overextend my energies to the point of exhaustion despite the orders to rest, relax , & take it easy, in the past. Time to stop.
Muga scan today of my heart, and the awesome 45 minute MRI . The last of the tests.
Today I'll hopefully find out more about the pathology of the cells too.......
love....
Edit to add more of the day.
It's been a long week of testing- I'm done after this. I found out after my MRI from my surgeon that they found 3 more small tumors suspect of more cancer and had asked if I wanted a biopsy. I was so done with needles at this point- so I told him politely no. He understood. So the course of action now is chemo and a definite mastectomy.
I got my run down from the nurse navigator about what to expect the first day of chemo. 5 hours, a whole mess off stuff- including the installation of a port. My mom and dad both had ports. The more crap they inject me with, ports, etc- I'm fixin' to be one fabulous robot. I love robots.
A port eliminates the need for constant needle poking, which I'm ok with. All the nurses see my tattoos and ask how I could hate needles so much with all the ink I have- to which I reply- those needles are smaller, and much more fun. lol.
I visited a nice health food store on 38 today, with a cafe... I was sad to hear a microwave going....
I was talking with the lady there and mentioned my diagnosis and she said that her sister who was 37 was getting ready for a radical mastectomy after being diagnosed 2 weeks ago-and she also had a lump. and that all these women were coming in with breast cancer. It's kinda fucked up how much it's all over I'm noticing. maybe it's me- but it make me wonder as these breasts are virtual sponges for toxins- how many of us are there in the past few years. Kinda scary how much crap, pollution, shitty water, all this stuff is causing this. as well as genetics, but this is an epidemic.
Eat your veggies ladies!!! (and men!)
Went in for my muga scan(looks at my heart to make sure it is good for chemo)- which I had a really funny lady working the machine who helped me laugh and talk. Instant friend. :)
My MRI was the same. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be...but I posted this on my ladies board - so I'll cut and paste my experience as described what a bilateral breast MRI is like.
:::
If anyone hasn't experienced this fun trip through a giant magnet- basically I had to lie down, put my boobs through two holes, face down, and an IV contrast went in during the middle which made me feel like I was warm and fuzzy and I was peeing (but i didn't pee-lol) - the whole time these loud ass buzzing and knocking and bleeping sounds are going off- with a dude talking to you through a microphone. Eyes closed i was a perfect representation of being at a Bisco show with Skrillex playing at the same time. NUTS.
It was so weird. lol.
One of the hardest things I expected to do, but she was just awesome. She did cry but that's normal.
We've always emphasized that some cancers go away, and some cancers don't. She knows about breast cancer from all the pink ribbons and baseball players and things on tv, and I have always told her even before this diagnosis that breast cancer is one that can be beatable.
I reiterated that my doctors are the best, and I'm going to have medicine to get rid of the cancer, which will make me lose my hair.
I think that shocked her the most.
I explained that my hair is just my hair and that it would grow back. She was a little freaked about the bald thing, but she smiled when I asked if she wanted to help me pick out wigs.
A kid at the prime age of self esteem building in a little girl, this has to be tough for her....
She also knows that she can talk to anyone around us about any of her feelings, ask questions, everything. She's wise beyond her years.
Overall we emphasized laughing about all of this. It's ok for things to be funny. It's ok to laugh. But Mommy's gonna kick this thing in the ass, and do it well.
She doesn't like cursing- go figure- now she knows why mommy was listening to Cee-Lo's song so many times. "Forget You" just doesn't convey the thought so well, IMHO. lol. bood for radio edits. lol.
Yesterday was also my first full day back at work- It was nice to have a diversion of thinking, but the 2:00 tired is worse. Maybe because I've had enough days to get back into sleeping a little past my alarm, or it could be the cancer.
I also went back to the gyno who found the lump yesterday too for a routine follow up- I judged this guy because of his hurriedness in the intial exam and appalled at him saying it was cancer right off the bat- but he was right. And this time, he listened to me, the whole story, and was nothing but reassuring. He gave me a hug at the end of the visit , told me to stay strong and that I'll beat this, and he deferred the co-pay for the visit.
I judged this guy because of my preconceived notions of doctors because I never had any good experience with one. I'm learning that as much as I don't beleive myself to be that judgmental, I am more than I'd like to admit. This cancer is showing itself as a bigger lesson of life, the big kick in the ass of straightening out the shit once and for all.
I beat myself up too much and overextend my energies to the point of exhaustion despite the orders to rest, relax , & take it easy, in the past. Time to stop.
Muga scan today of my heart, and the awesome 45 minute MRI . The last of the tests.
Today I'll hopefully find out more about the pathology of the cells too.......
love....
Edit to add more of the day.
It's been a long week of testing- I'm done after this. I found out after my MRI from my surgeon that they found 3 more small tumors suspect of more cancer and had asked if I wanted a biopsy. I was so done with needles at this point- so I told him politely no. He understood. So the course of action now is chemo and a definite mastectomy.
I got my run down from the nurse navigator about what to expect the first day of chemo. 5 hours, a whole mess off stuff- including the installation of a port. My mom and dad both had ports. The more crap they inject me with, ports, etc- I'm fixin' to be one fabulous robot. I love robots.
A port eliminates the need for constant needle poking, which I'm ok with. All the nurses see my tattoos and ask how I could hate needles so much with all the ink I have- to which I reply- those needles are smaller, and much more fun. lol.
I visited a nice health food store on 38 today, with a cafe... I was sad to hear a microwave going....
I was talking with the lady there and mentioned my diagnosis and she said that her sister who was 37 was getting ready for a radical mastectomy after being diagnosed 2 weeks ago-and she also had a lump. and that all these women were coming in with breast cancer. It's kinda fucked up how much it's all over I'm noticing. maybe it's me- but it make me wonder as these breasts are virtual sponges for toxins- how many of us are there in the past few years. Kinda scary how much crap, pollution, shitty water, all this stuff is causing this. as well as genetics, but this is an epidemic.
Eat your veggies ladies!!! (and men!)
Went in for my muga scan(looks at my heart to make sure it is good for chemo)- which I had a really funny lady working the machine who helped me laugh and talk. Instant friend. :)
My MRI was the same. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be...but I posted this on my ladies board - so I'll cut and paste my experience as described what a bilateral breast MRI is like.
:::
If anyone hasn't experienced this fun trip through a giant magnet- basically I had to lie down, put my boobs through two holes, face down, and an IV contrast went in during the middle which made me feel like I was warm and fuzzy and I was peeing (but i didn't pee-lol) - the whole time these loud ass buzzing and knocking and bleeping sounds are going off- with a dude talking to you through a microphone. Eyes closed i was a perfect representation of being at a Bisco show with Skrillex playing at the same time. NUTS.
It was so weird. lol.
Tests so done right now.... I need sleep badly.
5.14.2012
Radioactive day!
in a few minutes I need to chug this Barium stuff for my cat scan- then head to Mount Holly on a solo drive for about 4 hours of scans today.
At least the barium stuff smells like an Orange Julius. I'm not allowed any food or drink since 10:30. No chaser for this wonderful cocktail. I remember Mark had to drink that stuff something and he wound up throwing up in the driveway and the stain didn't go away for a few months. EEK.
I wrote Azie's teacher a letter today for her to be prepared for an emotional kid, as well as setting a plan in life where if that energy sucking garbage and people enter my fighting ring, they're going to be asked to leave.
Right now I'm staring something in the face that is a complete unknown. I don't need any more cancers in my ring. Period.
Setting up the psychic battlefield on all fronts, call me Patton.
(Thanks Nancy for the suggestion, you rule lady).....!
On a side note- I hope to one day make a suggestion to the fine company who makes mammography film envelopes. Please make them pretty..... Putting in large words "MAMMOGRAPHY FILMS" on one side is ok, but I could do without the giant diagrams of huge boobs on the other side. Carrying these into a doctors waiting room is a little unnerving. The nipple on the envelope was poking out of my bag at the oncologists waiting room and I actually had to tug the side of the bag up to cover the ladies. lol. Bad design, mammo envelope makers. Bad design.
I'm off to Mount Holly.
I'll come out of this with a full bone scan of my entire skeleton. Which I think is pretty cool. It's an image I'm looking forward to seeing........
::::
more to add today::
It was a nice day on Route 38-
Had my scans done....
I have to hand it to the nurse who took the time to talk to me about what I was feeling at the moment. It's been crazy since I found out having do these test and dr. visits on my own -Finally my mom came home from NC today - which is a huge help.
Mark can finally start coming with me to these things...
Everyone asks the standard question of "why are you here" when theres an Xray or test and saying "breast cancer" as an answer usually doesn't get a reaction.
Someone that asks, and works in the medical field and dealing with your stuff is such a comfort just talking about it. Even for 5 minutes. This nurse listened to me and was just great... She assured me too that Dr. Miller and Dr. Cairoli are the best.
After my last test, I walked out of the office into the medical park and found a Red Tail hawk injured with a squirrel dinner under his talons- I guess he hurt himself catching it.
Animals like that - and when I see them for me, are signs. Native Americans believe that when an animal keeps appearing, it is a totem and a message. Red Tail Hawks are messengers to tell us of our higher power, untapped divinity and perseverance to get through the tough.
I don't like that he/she was injured in this appearance...so I'll take it as a good sign to keep it up and keep going~*
Radioactivity more on wednesday..... Glow in the dark time!
(pictures to be added later since this blogger stuff is being finicky tonight)
At least the barium stuff smells like an Orange Julius. I'm not allowed any food or drink since 10:30. No chaser for this wonderful cocktail. I remember Mark had to drink that stuff something and he wound up throwing up in the driveway and the stain didn't go away for a few months. EEK.
I wrote Azie's teacher a letter today for her to be prepared for an emotional kid, as well as setting a plan in life where if that energy sucking garbage and people enter my fighting ring, they're going to be asked to leave.
Right now I'm staring something in the face that is a complete unknown. I don't need any more cancers in my ring. Period.
Setting up the psychic battlefield on all fronts, call me Patton.
(Thanks Nancy for the suggestion, you rule lady).....!
On a side note- I hope to one day make a suggestion to the fine company who makes mammography film envelopes. Please make them pretty..... Putting in large words "MAMMOGRAPHY FILMS" on one side is ok, but I could do without the giant diagrams of huge boobs on the other side. Carrying these into a doctors waiting room is a little unnerving. The nipple on the envelope was poking out of my bag at the oncologists waiting room and I actually had to tug the side of the bag up to cover the ladies. lol. Bad design, mammo envelope makers. Bad design.I'm off to Mount Holly.
I'll come out of this with a full bone scan of my entire skeleton. Which I think is pretty cool. It's an image I'm looking forward to seeing........
::::
more to add today::
It was a nice day on Route 38-
Had my scans done....
I have to hand it to the nurse who took the time to talk to me about what I was feeling at the moment. It's been crazy since I found out having do these test and dr. visits on my own -Finally my mom came home from NC today - which is a huge help.
Mark can finally start coming with me to these things...
Everyone asks the standard question of "why are you here" when theres an Xray or test and saying "breast cancer" as an answer usually doesn't get a reaction.
After my last test, I walked out of the office into the medical park and found a Red Tail hawk injured with a squirrel dinner under his talons- I guess he hurt himself catching it.
Animals like that - and when I see them for me, are signs. Native Americans believe that when an animal keeps appearing, it is a totem and a message. Red Tail Hawks are messengers to tell us of our higher power, untapped divinity and perseverance to get through the tough.
I don't like that he/she was injured in this appearance...so I'll take it as a good sign to keep it up and keep going~*
Radioactivity more on wednesday..... Glow in the dark time!
(pictures to be added later since this blogger stuff is being finicky tonight)
5.13.2012
mother's day
Tests tomorrow.
I woke up all night from dreams where I was cancer free- and rejoicing that I was. When I woke up, it wasn't gone and it got me upset.
I keep wanting to tell Azie.... at this point I feel like she needs to know despite what my SIL the counselor to kids recommends. I would hate for her to find out right before this chemo starts.
We watched a piece on breasts today on CBS sunday morning. A topic that's a little sensitive now that we've had past discussions about her starting puberty, needing a bra, etc..... She's of that age and it's puzzling me of how I can manage telling her about my breast cancer and most likely needing a mastectomy (or 2?) at the same time she is becoming a woman.
I know she'll be strong through this.
The story on breasts actually was cool- I never knew the word Mama came from the word for boobs. and that breasts are the highest receptors for toxins (causing cancer) out of any other part of a woman's body. Amazing.
boobs and how amazing they are
It's hitting me too about how urgent this all might be too since I keep reading stories about these women who found lumps (and nothing in the lymph node) and nothing else. Mine is spreading.
I don't even know what kind I have yet. I suspect I might find out tomorrow after a call to see if any other pathology has come in.
Kinda scared, but this will to fight is always there.
I feel kinda weird posting since this all began how I'm going to do nothing but fight and laugh, but I'm feeling more lately more scared than ever.
The Great Unknown.
I will fight, absolutely, but there's always that thought in my head of what if?
I doubt there's anyone dealing with this kind of diagnosis who didn't think that.
I WILL KICK ASS
............
I know our family needs the work- so I was ok with Mark playing today.... but it stings a bit as to the sacrifice I have made to give up today. It's me being selfish. Its just a Sunday. He's home tonight again so I am grateful. i will never resent my husband's work and passion...ever. I'm grateful for the art he holds so deep within his heart, and his accomplishment of it being his life's work and family bread..... so proud... If you are with someone in a band, prepare to give up the normal off days. and deal with it.
My first Mother's day with a fresh breast cancer diagnosis, the Yankees playing with pink bats and shoes..... it's emotional.
I WILL KICK ASS.
.................
tests tomorrow....................................
I woke up all night from dreams where I was cancer free- and rejoicing that I was. When I woke up, it wasn't gone and it got me upset.
I keep wanting to tell Azie.... at this point I feel like she needs to know despite what my SIL the counselor to kids recommends. I would hate for her to find out right before this chemo starts.
We watched a piece on breasts today on CBS sunday morning. A topic that's a little sensitive now that we've had past discussions about her starting puberty, needing a bra, etc..... She's of that age and it's puzzling me of how I can manage telling her about my breast cancer and most likely needing a mastectomy (or 2?) at the same time she is becoming a woman.
I know she'll be strong through this.
The story on breasts actually was cool- I never knew the word Mama came from the word for boobs. and that breasts are the highest receptors for toxins (causing cancer) out of any other part of a woman's body. Amazing.
boobs and how amazing they are
It's hitting me too about how urgent this all might be too since I keep reading stories about these women who found lumps (and nothing in the lymph node) and nothing else. Mine is spreading.
I don't even know what kind I have yet. I suspect I might find out tomorrow after a call to see if any other pathology has come in.
Kinda scared, but this will to fight is always there.
I feel kinda weird posting since this all began how I'm going to do nothing but fight and laugh, but I'm feeling more lately more scared than ever.
The Great Unknown.
I will fight, absolutely, but there's always that thought in my head of what if?
I doubt there's anyone dealing with this kind of diagnosis who didn't think that.
I WILL KICK ASS
............
I know our family needs the work- so I was ok with Mark playing today.... but it stings a bit as to the sacrifice I have made to give up today. It's me being selfish. Its just a Sunday. He's home tonight again so I am grateful. i will never resent my husband's work and passion...ever. I'm grateful for the art he holds so deep within his heart, and his accomplishment of it being his life's work and family bread..... so proud... If you are with someone in a band, prepare to give up the normal off days. and deal with it.
My first Mother's day with a fresh breast cancer diagnosis, the Yankees playing with pink bats and shoes..... it's emotional.
I WILL KICK ASS.
.................
tests tomorrow....................................
5.12.2012
Let the green bombing begin......
After the diagnosis Wednesday, I found myself - arms outstretched and freaking out, angry and not knowing the whole full picture of what lies ahead. Enter 3 days of shitty food and red wine to ease the soul. I'm not into the whole idea of Xanax or anti-anxiety medications- because they have no effect on me.
Today we turn the corner and start bombing the hell out of cancer cells with the good food. Got myself a nice new Ninja 1200 food annihilator for better juicing than my regular crappy juicer. it makes all kinds of stuff. and thank god for Lowe's credit. lol.
Loaded up on a bills worth of organic veggies, kombucha, and good stuff for my body to stop this cancer shit from growing. Really gonna cleanse it all out. I wish I had done the master cleanse in the beginning of the year in hindsight.
Thoughts are starting to infiltrate my bubble- It was like flipping a switch that turned off the old me, and turned on the light to see this path ahead of me. A summer with no hair and no sun, wondering if chemo is gonna make me feel like shit, and I have the sisters who have done this already giving me advice which helps so much. I saw and lived with cancer patients, but being one is totally different.
Still have yet to do the abdomen CAT scan and full body bone scan on Monday. I have to drink this crazy barium stuff for one scan, then go get injected with radioactive isotopes for the next one. 2 in one day. I'm gonna glow in the dark Monday night!
Tuesday I need to go back into work for the first time since I left for lunch and never came back.
Wednesday is the heart scan in Toms River and then off to Mount Holly for the 45 minute MRI. More radioactive stuff.
test test test.
My pathology still hasn't revealed what type of cancer cells these are..... and the tests will show the doctor just how far the cancer has spread past the lymph node if it has, as well as making sure my heart and bones are ok for the chemo.
All these tests, driving 50 miles each way - you think a lot. You cry. You get mad. You sing at the top of your lungs. (I've been doing all these drives and tests by myself since my mom isn't home yet and Mark is home with Melody during the days) .
Just exhausted today. Thankfully Mark comes home early from his gig tonight so I can finally gets some time with him.
My friend Tatum stopped by with some really pretty flowers and a hug yesterday, and my best friend and virtual sister Beth came to stay with me last night. We watched Mommie Dearest and laughed and drank wine and it was just so good.
I'm weirdly not looking forward to going out next week. Something seems safer inside for me to stay home, but it's the last night out before chemo so.... bring on the Old Bay!~
xoxo
b
5.11.2012
happy birthday hun
It was nice to finally get some sleep. Exhaustion really does me in because I don't sit still. ever. My day involuntarily begins at 5am and usually never stops until 11pm.
So it felt great to wake up a little bit later today and my first thought was "it's my hunny's birthday" and not "Oh- I still have cancer"....
Yay- he turns 54 and what a spry 54 it is. :) Kinda sucks that this diagnosis was timed like the way it was- but he's been wonderful. Just wonderful. I think he's cried more than me.
I love him and I couldn't have asked for a better dad or husband. Especially now.
Happy birthday hun!!!
Off work again today- it's been a pain scheduling tests. All tests. First I need to approve it for my ins. company, then the facility by me isn't approved, then I have to call them back and have it switched back...gah. I took the day off work just to spend it on the phone.
Lots of things where I need contrast. which means I get blue veins....cool.
Chemo day is approaching fast, need to get this done. And I have to break the news to Azalea once all these tests come back and I know the finals story of what we are dealing with. I wish I didn't have to.
My dad and Azalea were as close as a grandpa and his grandchild could get- 2 years after his passing and she still gets very upset if she thinks about him, or even if someone mentions cancer.
In addition to breaking the news, I need to help her get to where I am and see this as a brave fight with all enemies dead. There is no lying down. This I'm sure will transform her as well. <3
Blood tests and Chest Xrays today.... and I get to pick up that fabulous cocktail to make me glow for my Cat scan monday. Radioactive isotopes!!!! yummmmmmmmm.
:)
So it felt great to wake up a little bit later today and my first thought was "it's my hunny's birthday" and not "Oh- I still have cancer"....
Yay- he turns 54 and what a spry 54 it is. :) Kinda sucks that this diagnosis was timed like the way it was- but he's been wonderful. Just wonderful. I think he's cried more than me.
I love him and I couldn't have asked for a better dad or husband. Especially now.
Happy birthday hun!!!
Off work again today- it's been a pain scheduling tests. All tests. First I need to approve it for my ins. company, then the facility by me isn't approved, then I have to call them back and have it switched back...gah. I took the day off work just to spend it on the phone.
Lots of things where I need contrast. which means I get blue veins....cool.
Chemo day is approaching fast, need to get this done. And I have to break the news to Azalea once all these tests come back and I know the finals story of what we are dealing with. I wish I didn't have to.
My dad and Azalea were as close as a grandpa and his grandchild could get- 2 years after his passing and she still gets very upset if she thinks about him, or even if someone mentions cancer.
In addition to breaking the news, I need to help her get to where I am and see this as a brave fight with all enemies dead. There is no lying down. This I'm sure will transform her as well. <3
Blood tests and Chest Xrays today.... and I get to pick up that fabulous cocktail to make me glow for my Cat scan monday. Radioactive isotopes!!!! yummmmmmmmm.
:)
5.10.2012
oncology...humor
Had my first oncologist appt. with Dr. Cairoli today.
A+! He's Italian, and i noticed the picture of Mickey Mantle on his office wall today.
For a beginner reader of this- I'll prelude to my dad...He fought a bitch of a cancer for 8 years before dying of it in 2010.... One of huge loves of his life was the Yankees. and goddamn if he never talked abotu Mickey Mantle being the greatest. He loved Mantle. So much so that I thought about naming my last daughter Seven in honor of him. I know it has the Seinfeld stigma- but it was cool!
So when I see someone so into the Yanks, or Mantle even- I know it's a sign from my dad. Plus the oncology floor of this hospital is 100% Fox Chase. The best.
Dad has made his presence known so much lately through all of this- I can't deny it.
So I met with the oncologist and we talked about chemo, cancer, mastectomy, losing my hair, and all that good stuff----
I start chemo May 22 following a million tests dependent on what kind of BC cells I have.
I found out that I'll feel like shit, and lose my hair- to which I told the doc that I would buy a Bozo wig to wear instead of being bald.
Obviously this guy doesn't know my humor - he told me no.
of course I won't get a Bozo wig - but a blue or purple one, holy crap, yes. I always wanted a full head of blue hair.
Hilarity gets me through these days.
I am scheduled for so many tests at this point.... My chemo depends on what type of cancer cells are in my body- which noone knows right now.
as losing my boob?
bring it- if i have to chop off this boob and nipple- then so be it and I'll get a tattoo of Hello Kitty over the scar. Or something else badass. like Kenny Powers' face, or a Kraken, or a tattoo of 5 weird Total Recall style nipples.....
All about laughing. Cause all of this shit is starting to get funny and I'm laughing.
There is no other option besides fight than laugh.
and Thank goodness for cosplay people. If it wasn't for them and there bizarre video game obsession, wigs that reach the floor in the colors of blue and white wouldnt exist for people like me dealing with cancer and losing my hair.
Black lady wigs rule too.
So black women and cosplay aficionados - cherish your wigmakers. cause they shall inherit the earth for us funky cancer patients. GET DOWN!!!!
A+! He's Italian, and i noticed the picture of Mickey Mantle on his office wall today.
For a beginner reader of this- I'll prelude to my dad...He fought a bitch of a cancer for 8 years before dying of it in 2010.... One of huge loves of his life was the Yankees. and goddamn if he never talked abotu Mickey Mantle being the greatest. He loved Mantle. So much so that I thought about naming my last daughter Seven in honor of him. I know it has the Seinfeld stigma- but it was cool!
So when I see someone so into the Yanks, or Mantle even- I know it's a sign from my dad. Plus the oncology floor of this hospital is 100% Fox Chase. The best.
Dad has made his presence known so much lately through all of this- I can't deny it.
So I met with the oncologist and we talked about chemo, cancer, mastectomy, losing my hair, and all that good stuff----
I start chemo May 22 following a million tests dependent on what kind of BC cells I have.
I found out that I'll feel like shit, and lose my hair- to which I told the doc that I would buy a Bozo wig to wear instead of being bald.
Obviously this guy doesn't know my humor - he told me no.
of course I won't get a Bozo wig - but a blue or purple one, holy crap, yes. I always wanted a full head of blue hair.
Hilarity gets me through these days.
I am scheduled for so many tests at this point.... My chemo depends on what type of cancer cells are in my body- which noone knows right now.
as losing my boob?
bring it- if i have to chop off this boob and nipple- then so be it and I'll get a tattoo of Hello Kitty over the scar. Or something else badass. like Kenny Powers' face, or a Kraken, or a tattoo of 5 weird Total Recall style nipples.....
All about laughing. Cause all of this shit is starting to get funny and I'm laughing.
There is no other option besides fight than laugh.
and Thank goodness for cosplay people. If it wasn't for them and there bizarre video game obsession, wigs that reach the floor in the colors of blue and white wouldnt exist for people like me dealing with cancer and losing my hair.
Black lady wigs rule too.
So black women and cosplay aficionados - cherish your wigmakers. cause they shall inherit the earth for us funky cancer patients. GET DOWN!!!!
and so it begins
it was april 9th that i started my monday getting ready for work. In the shower I come to find a marble sized lump in my armpit. I'd never noticed it before. My reaction was instant ..."whoa, what the hell?". I leave for work pretty early in the AM so everyone else is sleeping at the point I leave for work, but I had to wake up my husband to tell him. I just whispered " I found a lump" and he stirred a bit. i told him I was going to call my OB/GYN immediately so I might need to go in for an appt. after i left work at 3.
That's when the thoughts and googling starts. Breast cancer, lymphoma, maybe an infection.... Googling can be hazardous. lol.
I got right into the OB GYN's office that day- they gave me a 4pm appt. During the appointment the doctor did a breast exam and found a sizable lump in my right breast, and a smaller lump int he left breast- but his main concern was the right side.
"How many people in your family have this?" he asks.
"What? Breast cancer?"
I was shocked. Me? breast cancer? no way. I was a vegetarian, naturally birthed and breastfed both my kids, ate the organic stuff...i don't even use deodorant with aluminum in it. I'm only 35....Then I got scared.
Both my parents had cancer, I smoked cigarettes for just about half my life, and 2 of my aunts and a cousin died from BC on my father's side.
This guy was concerned right off the bat- so I was told I needed to get a mammogram + ultrasound ASAP.
By saturday I had the mammogram done- and tuesday was the ultrasound. Everyone who is looking at these seems so concerned.
Within an hour of my ultrasound, i got the call that I needed to get a biopsy ASAP. all the ASAP shit here and there- yet noone was saying to me what they saw, or could interpret anything.
We had scheduled our family vacation for the coming week and I needed it so bad I was afraid of canceling it.
Immediately I called the fine people of Fox Chase in Philly- they treated both my parents' cancer (Mom had Hodgkin's lymphoma in 95, dad had multiple myeloma from 2002-2010). I was not going locally around here. absolutely not. If I had cancer, I was going to the top right out of the gate.
Unfortunately, Fox Chase didn't take my insurance, but they did see my reports and films and told me I needed to get in now. After I told them about the vacation, they said to go. I would need it because I had to have a biopsy the minute I got back. they referred me to Dr. Miller in Lumberton, who also works as a "satellite" for Fox Chase at an affiliate hospital here in NJ. I was able to get in for the biopsy literally 12 hours after walking in the door from vacation.
That sucker HURT. Both the right breast and that ugly lymph node.
Black and blue and needles - just yuck.
7-10 days I was told I would get the results. More waiting.
It was the longest 9 days of my life. I was beginning to think they lost my samples, or they would just say "You're ok"- no worries. But I worried. I knew what this was and I had a feeling about it right when the mammogram and ultrasound happened.
Something said inside me, "This is not going to be good". All the time everyone was telling me to be 'positive'...but it wasn't going to change the outcome.
May 9. exactly 1 month after finding the lump, I went home early for lunch at 11:30, frustrated I hadn't gotten any results, tired of jumping when the phone rang....
Dr. Miller was on the phone and had just called literally as I was pulling into the driveway. Mark handed me the phone with a worried look.
"It's the doctor...."
"Hi Brianne? We got your results in and unfortunately I do not have good news. ....."
Uck. my stomach sank and he began telling me that I needed to have bone scans, genetic testing, MRI's, Cat scans, scans of my stomach and chest xrays. And that I needed to find a medical oncologist.
I had to ask what the cancer was after all of this.
He said to me that I had breast cancer (invasive carcinoma) and it was also in the lymph node. So it's a traveling cancer. And that I am going to need chemotherapy.
My first reaction was fear. My hands were shaking, I started crying and trying to call my mom at the same time. I had to call my boss and let him know I was not coming back in for the day, I texted my brothers and sisters and it started from there.
Then I got pissed. I must have said "Fuck you" a hundred times in the next hour. I was so pissed this shit messed with me, i wanted to kick something's ass. And that I will.
And the awesome nurse navigator (god bless nurse navigators!!!) dealing with my stuff called me right back and all my things in order to start treatment ASAP . She scheduled me the next morning - 10am for my oncology appointment with Dr. Cairoli. She couldn't say enough good about him so I feel better somewhat.
Of course I can't sleep so it brings me to starting this blog around 5am and starting what will be a long & winding road.
In 4 hours I will start to see what exactly is invading my space and pissing me off, and discussing how this is going to go.
........
Fuck you cancer. You will not take me.
....................................
That's when the thoughts and googling starts. Breast cancer, lymphoma, maybe an infection.... Googling can be hazardous. lol.
I got right into the OB GYN's office that day- they gave me a 4pm appt. During the appointment the doctor did a breast exam and found a sizable lump in my right breast, and a smaller lump int he left breast- but his main concern was the right side.
"How many people in your family have this?" he asks.
"What? Breast cancer?"
I was shocked. Me? breast cancer? no way. I was a vegetarian, naturally birthed and breastfed both my kids, ate the organic stuff...i don't even use deodorant with aluminum in it. I'm only 35....Then I got scared.
Both my parents had cancer, I smoked cigarettes for just about half my life, and 2 of my aunts and a cousin died from BC on my father's side.
This guy was concerned right off the bat- so I was told I needed to get a mammogram + ultrasound ASAP.
By saturday I had the mammogram done- and tuesday was the ultrasound. Everyone who is looking at these seems so concerned.
Within an hour of my ultrasound, i got the call that I needed to get a biopsy ASAP. all the ASAP shit here and there- yet noone was saying to me what they saw, or could interpret anything.
We had scheduled our family vacation for the coming week and I needed it so bad I was afraid of canceling it.
Immediately I called the fine people of Fox Chase in Philly- they treated both my parents' cancer (Mom had Hodgkin's lymphoma in 95, dad had multiple myeloma from 2002-2010). I was not going locally around here. absolutely not. If I had cancer, I was going to the top right out of the gate.
Unfortunately, Fox Chase didn't take my insurance, but they did see my reports and films and told me I needed to get in now. After I told them about the vacation, they said to go. I would need it because I had to have a biopsy the minute I got back. they referred me to Dr. Miller in Lumberton, who also works as a "satellite" for Fox Chase at an affiliate hospital here in NJ. I was able to get in for the biopsy literally 12 hours after walking in the door from vacation.
That sucker HURT. Both the right breast and that ugly lymph node.
Black and blue and needles - just yuck.
7-10 days I was told I would get the results. More waiting.
It was the longest 9 days of my life. I was beginning to think they lost my samples, or they would just say "You're ok"- no worries. But I worried. I knew what this was and I had a feeling about it right when the mammogram and ultrasound happened.
Something said inside me, "This is not going to be good". All the time everyone was telling me to be 'positive'...but it wasn't going to change the outcome.
May 9. exactly 1 month after finding the lump, I went home early for lunch at 11:30, frustrated I hadn't gotten any results, tired of jumping when the phone rang....
Dr. Miller was on the phone and had just called literally as I was pulling into the driveway. Mark handed me the phone with a worried look.
"It's the doctor...."
"Hi Brianne? We got your results in and unfortunately I do not have good news. ....."
Uck. my stomach sank and he began telling me that I needed to have bone scans, genetic testing, MRI's, Cat scans, scans of my stomach and chest xrays. And that I needed to find a medical oncologist.
I had to ask what the cancer was after all of this.
He said to me that I had breast cancer (invasive carcinoma) and it was also in the lymph node. So it's a traveling cancer. And that I am going to need chemotherapy.
My first reaction was fear. My hands were shaking, I started crying and trying to call my mom at the same time. I had to call my boss and let him know I was not coming back in for the day, I texted my brothers and sisters and it started from there.
Then I got pissed. I must have said "Fuck you" a hundred times in the next hour. I was so pissed this shit messed with me, i wanted to kick something's ass. And that I will.
And the awesome nurse navigator (god bless nurse navigators!!!) dealing with my stuff called me right back and all my things in order to start treatment ASAP . She scheduled me the next morning - 10am for my oncology appointment with Dr. Cairoli. She couldn't say enough good about him so I feel better somewhat.
Of course I can't sleep so it brings me to starting this blog around 5am and starting what will be a long & winding road.
In 4 hours I will start to see what exactly is invading my space and pissing me off, and discussing how this is going to go.
........
Fuck you cancer. You will not take me.
....................................