same as it ever was.

Just hangin' tough.
Getting better every day.
I have to keep reminding myself that I am on the mend. This usual ADD of myself I have is ITCHING to do things. To get up and drive. To do the YMCA.

ack. I told Mark this is the perfect time to go on a Caribbean vacation since I am actually relaxing for a change because I have no choice.
Stay medicated and stay active.
I am getting up and going outside for a little bit- I can't do shopping unless I have one of those motorized carts. To which I need to bring bleach wipes (because I'm Italian neurotic). I haven't done it yet- It was raining nasty yesterday so I stayed in the car while Mark ran into Lowe's and Costco for some groceries and necessities for the new clean house I am going back to. I feel like I just need to be able to sleep a bit better- It's a slow road, but I am still very much in the recliner - sitting up causes pain on my back, My numb armpits  need to be elevated.
When the pain gets real bad, it feels like belts made of broken glass around your lower stomach and across your chest under your armpits.
I am feeling the repercussions of nerve damage from things done to my chest insides while I was asleep and it's kinda scary.
I picture myself as like an ice cream counter all splayed out on the operating table.Scooping out here, stuffing in there. Eek.
I can only wonder what it must have looked like, Jesus.
It hurts.
My kingdom for the ability to walk upright.
My mom tells me I should have a magnifying glass as I hunch over all around her house.
And I'm still at her house.
It was awesome to see 2 sisters and a brother, and a nephew, and 4 nieces. and 2 brothers-in-law.
and a Grandma.
All came over and stayed for a few days during Thanksgiving. I know how the Thanksgiving turkey feels all cut up surrounded by family. That was pretty much me in the recliner in the living room.
Nothing felt so nice as to be surrounded by family at that moment- giving thanks for what else- LIFE. a second chance.
My sister and brother weren't able to come up - but I should see them soon anyway.
Today is actually my little sister's birthday- 29. I remember being 7 when she was born, and holding her in the hospital. My little baby sister.
Time goes by so fast.

I have lots of it these days, most of it is spent under the influence. or in discomfort. But the other option is worse- and I am grateful for the trip I am taking right now.
every minute.
I have lots of time to think about how life is going to be as it transforms into a new normal.
What I am going to do with my time besides healing- Will I be able to tie dye again? Paint? Batik?
I hope I find a good physical therapist who can get my arm back to normal.

not having my right arm working is very frustrating.
Getting better every day though. slowly.
I have anxiety over not being able to function as part of my family. I sit there while other people rock my baby daughter to sleep, or give her a bath..... I am grateful so much for the help- but the inability to be physical with my kids really hurts.
I can't hug :(

I am watching lots of daytime TV. to which I have to say that The Talk is the worst show currently on. That I love Ellen Degeneres, Fox News is poison, and I love CBS news. and the DIY network.

Slowly getting better.

I am also down to about 2 pain pills a day- which those are usually at night for sleep.
The mary jane cookies are taking care of any mood swings, I do not have menopause symptoms or chemo side effects when I take them, and my pain level is much lower.

I am still in a lot of pain and far from normal, but slowly getting better..................slowly getting better.
and the joy of having eyelashes again is divine. <3

I get to visit my Korean eyebrow lady again soon :)

xo

b

Star Wars Cantina Makeover

That butt pillow advertised on TV? Forever comfy. I desire forever comfy -If I order it- I wonder if it really works.

Hard to believe 12 days has flown by since surgery- I am still very well on the mend- but farrrrr away from an inkling of independence.
Good news though- I got my drains removed yesterday- which is the weirdest thing I think out of anything thus far that I have experienced.
I had tubes implanted - 2 under each arm and 2 in my pelvic region to drain the fluid post surgery. It was gross- I had to milk and empty those drains every day. UGH.
My poor mother the paramedic was even grossed out by that.
a few times- I yanked the tubes accidentally- causing some serious pain--- they stitch the tubes to your body.
The whole time I was feeling them and was pretty sure they went in about 3-4 inches past the incisions.

Yesterday's removal proved me wrong.
try a FOOT of tubing.
Yo.
a FOOT.
All this time- I had 6 bulbs that collected the fluid - hanging off me- a real challenge since I had to wear them in a bag around my neck 24-7. The tubes would rub against my belly incision - during sweats- it was just gross.
So they pulled out the tubes yesterday- all went fine until the last pelvic tube was pulled out and holy lord- HOLY LORD- it was pain. It felt like it had been stitched to my stomach from the inside and they just yanked it out. I still feel it now- in my HIP.
Dr. Patel's PA said scar tissue was probably forming around it - he just pulled that sucker out. I watched Mark's eyes as they did that- and i YELLED. I yelled so loud the doctor came running into the exam room asking if everything was ok. Oh boy that hurt. It was funny though. I apologized up and down.
whoa wow wow.
Glad I do not need those things ever again.
They also took out the stitches that attached my new belly button. He was pulling out the stitches with scissors and I just wanted to be like " A seam ripper would make your life so much easier" - lol. I'm in the business of stitches. Seam rippers are a requirement.
But this guy did a good job- the rest of my stitches dissolve.

Both my breasts are healing well- one side was abnormally larger and quite black and blue compared to the other one- PA said it was a hematoma that developed during surgery and it won't go away for a few months. Yay.
And thank lord again that I do NOT have to wear those compression bras they give you in the hospital- I was given the green light to wear my nursing bras from Melody- Oh happy day.
They aren't sexy- but they have somewhat semblance of being a woman with cleavage much more than the giant velcro road block I was wearing before. wheew.
So I think Breast Cancer surgery should be renamed  to Star Wars Cantina Makeover.

Between the drains, weirdo nipple-less stitched up breasts, reattached belly button, and everything chemo did to my appearance- there is no name for it other than Star Wars Cantina Makeover.
I guarantee next to that Cantina is a salon- where all those creatures look like me right now.
I am still at my mom's healing-
It is going to be a very long process. Very long.
My mom loves her Fox News Channel.
I'm growing accustomed to the Fox News. a little bit. What a bad thing for America, that channel. Kool Aid Cult. I actually sympathize with the responsible and well thought Republicans that have that channel as their official mouthpiece. I'd turn Independent. UGH. ( I am currently independent. fair and balanced my ass- News Corp should be brought up on charges of how much they lie. not news)
So it's caused a lot of heated arguments- but I am making my points, proving what that stupid channel says is wrong or propaganda.... Like I said before- I love my politics.. I hate spin.
They do have a few people who actually have a brain that thinks, rather than regurgitating information- but they are few.

I am bonding more with my mom than I have ever done in the past- and it's nice. My family has been camped out here too - Azalea wants to sleep next to me every night. I am still in the recliner in the living room.
I miss lying flat or on my side- I cannot do that at all.
My back is suffering.

I am just so glad I don't have to haul those drains around anymore. I felt like a Macy's Thanksgiving day Parade float for almost 2 weeks.

I am healing well- but very slowly- this surgery is intense.
I met with Phyllis and Dr. Cairoli for a bit on Monday- I am to go forward with the radiation (no surprise) starting December 11th, and Phyllis told me I was ok enough with my hair to use a color rinse if I wanted to . She said she didn't like to see me with grey hair.
My hair has been growing in like the Italian champ it is. and EYEBROWS AND EYELASHES! they are starting to come back like Pumpkin Flavored Everything.
YAY!!!!
My hair is a fluffy pile of white and grey and light brown and blonde- with darker roots coming in now- it feels like cat fur.
Not quite Tony Danza, but a shorter Jamie Lee Curtis.

Color rinse, please.
Teal or dark blue or purple would be great.

I am going to wait till it gets a little longer and I get my eyebrows back at least.
Almost there!

Appearance aside, I am still very much in pain and a slave to the pill. blah. When I get better enough to go shopping and start flushing this crap OUT.

I also have to be on Tamoxifen for 5 years- Tamoxifen is kind of like Chemo Jr. --- if any breast cancer cells show up again- Tamoxifen shuts down the receptors on those cells to not feed off the estrogen and progesterone that the old cells were growing from.
Good times.
As someone who has had barely anything but an antibiotic prior to this, it's a defeating blow to someone who took such good care of herself generally the whole time. I have to take them though- I have a husband and small children to be around for.
I need to get old.
I don't want to die from this.

What a hurricane.

I know how the United States feels- my armpit has been ripped out and shredded too.
I resemble the shore myself- scarred up and rebuilding. The irony is weird.
not to mention that hurricane forms a number nine in its spiraling. wtf?
I told you- I have apocalyptic boobs.

Mark took me around the shore to get out of the house and besides being upset that there is NO place to sit and watch the sea anymore, there is still so much destruction and garbage everywhere. I start crying every time I see it. My poor state. My poor shore.
My mother was very lucky in being 1 of 4 houses that didn't get flooded in her area- as she was surrounded with about 50 houses that did (she lives across the street from the creek that overflowed 11 feet) --- All I have to do is look outside and see the pile of trash in front of the neighbors' houses and it all comes back.
We are still so raw, still an open wound.
I know how you feel, shore.
I'm healing right with you.
I'm limited in my being able to help- and it is a shitty feeling.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow---- My grandma turns a hearty 85, and my sister Britt is coming up again from NC as is Jon from Brooklyn. They finally got the trains running so I get to see my baby brother who was so close, yet so far away this whole time.
So happy to be around my family.
I love them so much, it makes me cry. I am blessed and lucky to have siblings like the ones I have.
awesome. and we're all fun crazy.

Lately- I have been on the receiving end of some of the most amazing support and love I have ever seen- tears emerge from even the thought--- Thank you everyone for the love, the cards, the help, the little baskets of goodies and groceries, the food, the semi-hugs, the visits to decorate my walker, - just everything. Even the little hearts on facebook and message boards- everything.
My heart swells so much.
and I am so grateful. and every bit has been such a help. seriously.
Sandy took a lot of work away from Mark too - so it has disabled a lot across the board- but we still have our home. Thank the lord.

I will be blogging this forever, I see- there is no end in sight at this point since this will be a lifelong battle. Lets' shoot for the next 50 years of love light fight.
People have been telling me to make this into a book.
any agents out there? lol--- email me!
..................

So much love and gratitude to all of you- keep shining~*
xo
-b

like i said- GFY

cancer. free.

I HAD cancer.
I fucking beat you!!!!!

Pathology results came back last night and I was officially given the all clear by the fabulous Dr. Miller last night.

It was a blessed minute in the midst of a horrible confusion. Nobody said what anesthesia and drugs to do you. Probably I'm taking it worse since I was never a Rx person- It was the grand hurrah of the end of 6 months of SHIT my body is going through.
Since surgery- besides being in horrible pain 24-7- my nights are filled with pyschosis. Like bad psychosis.
Waking up and freezing, even though I was in room temp. even with 5 blankets on me, I am still cold. Then I start the sweating.
Then my head goes into "caged animal who can't do shit" mode and I go nuts- I see things, I have nightmares, I'm trapped inside a container.
Last night's adventure involved horses with clam faces eating my stomach innards, Etan Patz sitting in front of me, and a crazy woman who was also in the room with me saying all sorts of nasty things and that I was worthless piece of shit and didn't deserve to live over and over. I couldn't make it go away.

I flipped out yesterday on my family - I don't remember most of it, but I remember screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling and carrying on and crying.

I was sleeping in my dad's chair last night, the same chair he had to get when he had cancer- he spent a few nights in here, he loved this chair. It was a bittersweet morning of opening my eyes and smiling that I had done something he couldn't. And I did it for him.

Pretty much I can't do anything. My right arm is like a T Rex arm with weird numbness and - pain- as you can see from my drawing skills have quite diminished.  Thomas Kinkade is dead--- I would have some serious competition there for a second.
I cannot walk upright and my wounds go from my gut to my breasts, and into my armpits -the side that HAD cancer in it, my underarms feel weird inside- I can feel muscle tendons stretching and pulling--it is crazy weird.
My energy is hardly anything. Let's juts say I have a pretty good functioning set of legs and face. lol.

Ugh. and not being able to leave my home (or my mom's in this case) is frustrating.

and I'm loaded on Percoset.
I HATE DRUGS. They can save your life, and destroy it at the same time- I just hate them and wish I didn't have to take them- and anyone who finds this painkiller shit fun- I wonder why.
They suck.
I was never a fan of pills.
I cannot wait to stop these and cleanse my system.
My kids are suffering too - Melody is sick, getting molars and dealing with the fact her mom can't hold her. Not holding my kids has been the worst part of all of this. I can't even have them in my lap because of all the drains and stitches. ugh.
and they want to represent all of this with a pretty pink ribbon? FUCK THAT.
I hurt for the women doing this who can't escape the cancer. who can't ever say "I beat it". Let's find what causes this once and for all and get the pharm companies to lie down for a change. They created this whole pink ribbon bs in the first place.... the whole thing is disgusting, horrible and gross. Far from pink.
and through it all, I'll let y'all know that I rocked the weed. Medical Marijuana helped me work through chemo, sleep through bone pain, not be a zombie for my kids like Vicodins did, and created some sort of normalcy. and people like me and worse are forced to take the legal medication and go through shady channels to get the better medications. I did it with pot. (I finally told my mom so I can say it here too.)
Legalize that shit already. jesus christ.

But I still have the joyous news. I HAD CANCER.

And when Miller finally opened me up and took out the Armpit Shitshow- he had no idea just how many total lymph nodes were there- everyone has their own special number. It's just a chunk of fatty tissue that they take apart in the lab.

How many lymph nodes did Brianne have total in the Armpit Shitshow?

9.

and 1 had cancer left in it.




go fuck yourself cancer.
DONT EVER MESS WITH JERSEY AGAIN.


xo
- the torso.

& what a zany torso it is!!!!

Hiiii alllll.

4 days post surgery----- and all I gotta say is Wow. If I thought chemo was crazy- this is probably crazier.

I went into the hospital for a quick radioactive injection the night before----  and we just all had a great dinner out at the Vincetown Diner (best NJ diner EVER) and a nice family night in after making it back to a nice Hampton Inn suite with my husband and children for the night. My husband and I just held each other until we went to sleep. The previous trip of the day finally put me at ease and ready to do this.

I figured I wouldn't even be awake for the scariest part if it- so why would it matter anyway?

Friday morning::

I woke up refreshed and had about 45 minutes to get the family up and out- my mom would be meeting us there at 6:30. We made it to Virtua at 5:45/ AM. Opened the bar we did.
A whole bunch of pre-prep- meeting the anesthesiologist-It felt like being prepped for a press conference or some shit like that. crazy. questions I have answered 100 times. All that worrying about the last bits of glitter toenail polish I couldn't get off and they stripped me naked and then put 2 big pairs of socks on me. wtf?
My husband watched as Dr Patel came in, said hello and drew all over my torso with a marker and Mark said he would punch him if he was any other guy. He asked if I had any questions and I just said "make them as large as you can. please.... I ate ice cream all summer for this!!!!!!"
and ya know what?
He LAUGHED.
I got my wish.
Dr. Miller laughed too. and then told me he had a patient once who complained about them being too big once.
It was a fun uncomfortable jovial moment of being the only female in a crowd of about 4 men who were about to see me naked and unconscious on a table and my husband.
My plans set- we went in. The last thing I remember is George Lucas Anesthesiologist commenting on the dancing bear tattoos. A kind of secret code for us deadheads to identify each other in times of seriousness I guess.
Alien probe lights- the operation room was massive. and with a LOT of people. and hemostats.
I started to get nervous and cry- they told me to stop and I don't remember much after the oxygen mask went on my face.
I barely recall dreaming- I do remember one last thought of needing to shut a dresser drawer because surgery was over.
I hope I get more details of that.
OUT...
after-I was wheeled into a gian troom with the other alien probe victims and I got to see my mom, husband and 2 kids who had waited patienly for 8 hours for me.
Good family I have,. I just love them.
so much.

I spent the frist 24 hours in the ICU- discovering all the new things that were done to me by doctors and techs. I had a catheter (ew. glad I was out for that one). I had been sliced from hip to hip. They pulled my skin down to about hip level- using the leftover skin to sew on flat blank nipples to replace the ones they removed. I got a new bellybutton sewed on too. And drains.
I woke up to a slightly larger set of crazy horror movie looking breasts- peeking out of a seriously gauze packed compression bra. They cut holes int he nipple parts so the un-nipples could peek out for testing.
The offical surgery is officially a DIEP Flap surgery. Google it to see what they did to me. Good times.
Basically what they did was take every bit of fat out of my belly- then sew it down as tight as possible, reattached a belly button. In the breasts- they cut a hole and dug out my old breasts, and made new breasts using the fat-with Dr. Patel actually creating a new vein and new artery for each one. Blood supply needs to be had for living tissue to do that.(The man proved himself to be quite the tailor) Nice stitch work.
And drains.
I have tubing coming out of 6 parts of my body- 2 down below the abdomen stitching and 2 under each armpit. They are attached to squeeze bulbs that collect drained lymphatic fluid and blood.
Naked, I look like some creature that walks into the bar in Star Wars. For real.
here's a weird hand drawn diagram....strange and badly drawn for educational purposes only.(foot has been shown unedited for lack of eraser only)
All the cut up and sewn areas.... IT MAKES A HAPPY FACE! :0)
isn't it twisted? (bruises and nicks will be left to the imagination- dotted lines indicate where the deep stitches are)

I was kept in the ICU to monitor the arteries' blood flow (with a Doppler every hour) and then moved to the regular floor for 2 more days.
I was harrased by phsycial therapy (I walked a whole bunch. It is very difficult at first- but it is necessary to hunch over because standing up tall with rip out abdomen stitches), experienced some of the best nursing and nurses I have ever had, and was prepared to go home with a new body and patiently await pathology results.
Even though I did not put any religion on my paperwork- a rabbi came into my room and we interdenominationally prayed. in Hebrew.
It was great.
Dr Miller came to see me and pretty much let me go Monday- we both kinda didn't want me to be there any much longer as the hospital floor was very crammed and small and not kept very clean by maintenance.Plus he told me I looked awesome and was recovering a lot faster than most- and to enjoy home instead of a sweaty nasty hospital room. I was thankful to have a private room up until the last day I was there.
Privacy in this kind of state is essential.
What i was mega grateful for though was that I was next to the window and YOU COULD OPEN THE WINDOW. Hospitals do not usually have this. Happy DAY. with a strange 3 nights of mild weather- sleeping next to that open window was a gift. I probably flashed my sewed up torso tons to Madison Ave of Mount Holly a lot too. I don't care. No one would throw beads at this cut up flesh container at Mardi Gras.

I have no feeling at all in my chest or left armpit area. Eternal novocaine numbing. all gone.
I have to walk with a walker until I feel better and I'm being fed painkillers constantly. It sucks. I won't lie- but I'm glad I didn't have all of my hair during this. and I'm glad I did the chemo first.

now we wait for pathology.

Dr Miller should call me with results any day now.
I am currently recovering at my moms, who is making sure I have hot meals, clean sheets and clean surroundings. The care is great. My mom has been the best.  Someone give her vacation please when we get past this.
I am far from any type of partying or having friends over for wine or anything remotely resembling that. I just had a surgical hurricane hit my body. Done, there is no ladies night for this at all. You have no idea, friend who made light of this and thinks next week I'll be down to "hang". NO.
Overall- this is the next to last step for my immediate journey- but the reality is I will be fighting this for the REST OF MY LIFE. It will never go away and threat of its return WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.

....
as of this typing- I am very exhausted- starting to hurt and needing bed- but I just wanted to update y'all on what's the haps so far , how it's going and all that.
My husband needs sainthood after this in case anyone reading this is in the canonization business.....



More later...... I am tired and NEED BED. Torso needs a new day to heal.

life goes on tomorrow~

much love*
b

Fight Test

Ok- Maybe I lied.
That wasn't my last blog post before surgery.
This one is.
I had so much today but didn't want to make you sit there and read endlessly about the jersey shore, hurricanes and cancer. I'm sure we have all had enough of it.
I don't think I have ever wanted a cigarette so badly right now.
So we have 5 inches of snow today. Just waiting for locusts, the plague,,,,,anything else?

Tomorrow- we leave for Mount Holly. We have a hotel room for 3 days to make base camp while the matriarch redefines breasts and gets this shit out of me once and for all.

Tomorrow- they detect sentinel lymph nodes.... Friday- all gone. everything. from the chest wall on out.
not to mention my spare tire- which I will never miss.

the song above is one that I have always loved- in fact probably once of the best albums ever produced.

The lyrics say it all. and now it has new meaning.
I'm gonna kick the Sunday outta cancer.


99 posts.

It's just hitting hard right now. an uncut flesh with a mind resistant to any conventional fixins.
I put my life into their hands. Literally.

here we go.
24 hours till the cancer shows its faces and gets the hell OUT.


I am anxious. Nervous.
Scared. Excited. Freaking Out. Freaking IN......


Azalea had a good question- if I get my armpits cleaned out of stuff- will I still have to wear deodorant?.
Kid's got a point.

what do I do with the last day of having breasts?
That is SO weird to say. all of this is SO weird.
I laugh to myself when I give myself the visual of finally coming out of surgery and looking down and I have these massive boobs. lol. I doubt it, but you never know how much fat is in your stomach. Doc says they might be bigger.
The 1 shot at a free boob job thanks to President Clinton and the 105th congress - he better make them bigger. And to the jackasses who voted no on that bill- shame on you.
And as well with my eternal 12 year old sense of humor and question (it keep you young)- I think of all those people who had out of body experiences during surgery.
While I don't really care to see myself being operated on, I think it would  be kinda cool to have my dad visit me, or be able to fly around the hospital.
As long as I come back=- I don't want the white light and tunnel yet.

So many thoughts going through my head- it's hard to file all of them.
And I worry about my Jersey Shore too.

Leaving work for the last time in 2012 was a little hard- we got slammed by Sandy- which shut down our work for a whole week- a week that I was supposed to train and help and get things stable so I could leave it- I kinda didn't have enough time- but I have faith in my boss and my embroidery lady. I also figured out how to work from home remotely on the work computer so hooray!


We leave the shore here for Mount Holly around 1. Blue injection happens at 3. go home to hotel and try to sleep. Nothing after midnight.
omg omg omg.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.


Nancy- if I didn't have you and your words through this whole ordeal, I would have been lost. Seriously. Thank you.




here we go kids.
.....................................

xo
b

What election?

like this song? It was filmed in Normandy Beach near our home here- the town is now gone. Purchasing this song helps local Sandy relief for residents. You can pay what you want. ...(Thank you!)


Hooray. I am back. I missed you guys.

I hope y'all have been hanging in there being patient with my typos and absence this whole- polease know that typing has become more and more difficult as I type every other word either backwards or wrong, courtesy of chemo brain.

Ok- so Sandy.
Sandy came and went and destroyed a lot of our home here on the shore- not our address home- but our home home. our state home. It was a crazy night than landed us cut off from even our neighbors and the rest of the world- a night that had a wind that sounded like the most angry roaring tiger. I saw the beach the night before landfall in Bay Head- and I have to say- it felt so angry- the presence of an angry sea is really scary. The ocean rose up in the little time I was standing on the steps over the dunes. - but the time I left- it was up to the 3rd stair.
I knew this was not good. I actually ran down the stairs. away ...away
Our power went out the next day around 7pm. we sat through the storm watching the trees in the dark wind just fall down around you- lit only by the 4th of july fireworks all the transformers made as they came down.
Horrible scary.
Little did we know that just over the bridge- in the very same spot where the above picture was taken was swallowed by the ocean.
It disconnected a piece of the map right up that same right from the state. As we awoke the next morning- ti was like the cliche Dorothy when she opens the door and it turns to color in the wizard of oz. Only in reverse. What we saw was horrible, and we realized how lucky we really were.
without power or internet - we were unable to really see what this storm did until the power came back on and it was terrible.
the roads are damaged all over the place here- SO many families displaced and homes destroyed.
It makes you cry just to see where you grew up look like ground zero on 9-11.
After driving up to Asbury and back and seeing it all- it just leaves you with such a sinking feeling. You will never know what happened here until you see it for yourself.
Then I realized it.
Cancer is a hurricane. Just like it.
I sympathized with all those affected because I was going through the same thing. A shitty act of nature that just decided to take everything or just something special from you. Turn your life upside down.....cause discomfort. anxiety. the feeling of being lost and without a viable home.
Homes, like people- are just containers.
That's all.
Destroyed homes, homes to be fixed, homes that made it out ok.
 Like cancer- sometimes it touches you lightly, other times it will kill you and take everything you have.
Sucks, eh? So I feel like now more can relate to how I feel... I hope this doesn't sound selfish- but it was like a whole round of chemo hit the earth. And I knew just exactly what it feels like.
I felt like if I couldn't do much and only the very least and best I could do about myself- at least I could try to help others. I baked cupcakes for the National Guard :) and doing my best to get the word out that we are still very much an open wound of a zip code (08742) and help and hot meals are still needed by those providing. I am grateful to have the capacity to help and our friends delivering goods from out of state for us have been GREAT  have to stop though because the surgery is Friday, I have 1 more day of work left and I need to conserve resources.
I am just still so wanting to help.
Help is everywhere though- you can get free food at any church- help, shelter, warmth, - people are even bringing in food trucks in the midst of the disaster and serving food on the streets for free. Out of their pockets. Everyone is helping everyone else. It's beautiful.
I am overwhelmed by the charity and sadness of it at the same time.
My brother and sister are also coming up with a van full of stuff for the relief efforts Friday and I couldn't be happier to see them.

This storm has been ironically- a diversion- from the impending surgery I am doing my best to breathe through.
weird. It kicked my ass into doing stuff for others so much it really made me forget I had cancer for at least 2 days.
I uploaded my pictures to facebook since I love taking storm and New Jersey photos.....
hopefully it will shed light on the destruction that the news seems to forget. There are still people without power. Friends and family have lost entire homes, businesses. it is huge.
But our boardwalks are so damaged and next summer looks like a bust for doing anything with the kids there. and that's sad. we just love it there.
And Mark & I's first home was in Ortley Beach on 2nd ave a block away from the ocean. Now it's gone. A war zone, literally.
*sigh*

Homes, like bodies....are just....containers.

So much, so much to deal with.

But we're New Jersey and just like fighting cancer, we'll rebuild. I'll rebuild too.
My thinking, my heart. My health and my drive.
So much to come home to after surgery. I wish I could help my home heal more...
Just so much to digest.

and election day. I forgot about that=- but I did vote. and we still have not celebrated Halloween yet.

Friday is the big day. the big double M.

I will try to blog through the drugs from the hospital if I can- but this probably is my last post as a whole container.
We have come a long way so far. I love you and thank you.
see you on the flipside......
xo
b