The day of double 9s. And I just have to say that this is probably the best I have felt in 99 days. A good number, a good day.
I got the results from my genetic testing today too- which tests my DNA for the BRCA 1 & 2 genes. If the gene is present- then I'm more at risk for ovarian cancer- which means I would have to have them removed too. It would also mean that I could pass this onto my daughters and their children.
Well- I tested negative for both genes.
It still means my kids have to get mammograms starting at 25, along with my younger sister- and my brother's daughter since I was so young in getting this breast cancer. But I can keep my ovaries, even though they still like to make hormones despite the drugs I am taking.
I'm still going to go through the double mastectomy, just to eliminate any more places for cancer to come back to. Sorry, bitches- the inn is closed. Shrinky tumors, clear DNA. and not much bone pain today at all- which is also a first. I'm still going to ignore the lifting nails and not let it get me down today. Hooray hooray :)
So on this fine day of 99, I salute the healing forces that have been helping me. And that is you. Cheers! My gratitude is overflowing!
What a great day today was. Every day is great- but for cancer- it was SMACKDOWN. arrr!
The 6th of 12 Taxol doses, which means I am halfway through and will finally be done with chemo by OCTOBER 9th.
!!!!!
In yesterday's post - I was surprised to find a tumor that had literally shrunk overnight. I thought it had disappeared.
Since today was a full examination day where they get down and do an extensive measurement and assessment of just what's going on with the tumors------ Phyllis asked me all the usual questions about the neuropathy in my hands and feet, and then asked about the tumors if I had been feeling them and noticed anything. So I said - "you might think I'm crazy- but I don't feel the tumor anymore"
She seemed to get very excited and proceeded with the hands to officially measure. And she perked right up- and in an excited voice said that it had CONSIDERABLY SHRUNK even more. Down to a centimeter! pretty awesome since it was about 5 to start. This tumor had stayed the same smaller size for about 2 months.
The axilla ( aka "Armpit Shitshow") is still the same plain old size.
In the end- it kind of doesn't matter- but tumor shrinkage is always good stuff- It's the effect of the chemo showing itself.
It is treating the entire body in an attempt to keep the cancer at bay and keep it from moving past my lymph node- which would put me at Stage IV.
So it's working I guess!Along with so many paryers, love, light, good wishes and everything intended that's good.
It would be great to hear that they couldn't find any cancer after pathology from the surgery comes back.
wouldn't it?
ah.
A few posts back- I mentioned turkey tail.
and I had said my 6th treatment was coming and I would love to see a shrinking tumor. And it happened.
I am inspired by the wisdom of the fine herbal mama that presented me with the turkey tail- upon research I found the story of Paul Stamets mother, who at 86 was given three months to live and diagnosed with terminal Stage IV cancer. Using turkey tail alongside Taxol and a drug from the protein receptors, she now has no detectable cancer since 2009. Very unheard of. Stage IV is traditionally incurable.
So that's my goal. To have no detectable cancer in my body by pathology...if eating these shrooms combined with Taxol really works. .
It might not happen, but I can dream it. and be it.
Oh and yes- a new wig arrived today! It's kale green and super cute. :)
Today is bizarro day. I feel like I'm seriously in some alternate dimension of space and time. Beth came over to hang out last night. I tried to get her to drink a beer - but I was unsuccessful. Beth does not like beer- but wishes she could drink it. I found a Sammy Smith Cherry ale for her to try- but nope. So it went back in the fridge for Mark. I don't like it very much either. I had a nice Malbec-Tempranillo cause that's my jam. I felt ok. And I took a nice window of not feeling like poo to make cookies for some the awesome people who have lent a hand, like my neighbor who mowed my lawn . I don't own a lawnmower, nor have enough grass in the front to constitute a real lawn- but it still needs cutting and they did it one day for me. He even weed wacked the walk and stuff. So he and his wife get cookies. I probably made around 5 or 6 dozen. I ate some cookie dough- STUPID. raw eggs and no immune system may have caused me to wake up the way I did today. I never had a problem with wine though.
Now I've been getting hot flashes for the past week- really nasty ones. And when you are bald- you can feel the beads of sweat forming on your head. it's so weird. So i woke up this morning- sweating my butt off- and felt like shit- 6am and I wasn't able to back to sleep- so I took the first of many showers- after the first shower- I got real sick and threw up. Another shower. Then I ate some cheerios and rice milk. Which led to sweating. More throwing up. Another shower. Water. Another shower. Headache. Another shower. I'm running out of clean towels at this point. I just feel like crap. Having coffee now- It's staying down. But I just don't feel right.
Now here's the kicker.
....Of course if you have a tumor anywhere- natural instinct is to feel it. touch it when you can to make sure you still have a tumor. It's second nature. It's real awesome when you have a tumor in your breast- you feel yourself up a lot. So in a absent minded hand to the breast 2 days ago- I discovered I cannot find that tumor - It either has disappeared or simply snuck to the back of the theater or just got so small in such an amount of time.... But I'm all WTF? It was palpable 3 days ago and then all of a sudden. Boom.
It's a little weird. Tomorrow is the 6th visit and one where I'm going to get fully examined so I'll ask Phyllis if she can find it. Of course the armpit shitshow is still around -large and in charge...but as for the other one. I seriously don't know.... ??
Mark and the girls went to the farmer's market to get some veggies- I am in no shape to leave the house unless it's necessary. Walking in space, folks......
Friday again :)
My sister and her family went home today :(
They hooked up Azie with a great week with her cousin-all over from The Statue of Liberty to the Jersey Shore- they even went to Cake Boss' bakery in Hoboken. It's great to see Azie having some sort of normal life in the midst of such an epic summer as this. Thanks, sis.....<3
Happy weekend, folks. Hug your families..... xo.....
I'm now a regular at my local bar. And by local bar I mean LabCorp. They know my name and probably have my insurance member ID memorized.
My weekly check in went nice a fast today- My white cell count, hemoglobin counts have been slooowly dropping with every visit..... Doing everything I can to keep it on a even keel...... But they keep going down. My mom is worried I'll need a blood transfusion eventually.
I didn't feel very well today or yesterday- but I still went to work and did what I could and was able to go home early to rest.
My nails feel weirder than they did the day before.
I hadn't re painted them in a while and I really needed to. Never imagined I would be doing my nails for medical reasons. But I'll take it.
So I took the polish off- the sight of my bare nails- the way they felt- ugh. I started to cry. And I got pissed.
I can deal with bald- but taking my nails? really?
I know it's a small part of side effects, and things could be worse- but hell- I'm allowed to want to keep my nails. I think anyone would.
They basically detach from the nail bed and start lifting eventually- either coming off, needing to get them removed by a doc or they just look like scary and stay. The bases of the nails turn purple first. Mine are turning purple :( boo.
It's starting- and come hell or high water- I'm gonna fight for them.
I see it come next week no more hand work at work. I'd be really doing something stupid doing that considering the job destroys your nails anyway between changing machine needles, all the threading and serious wear anyway.
So I need to discipline and not do it.
Me not being able to work with my hands though--ugh. Until then I painted them 2 shades of green and then silver and light blue. and sparkles.................. always sparkles.
Breast cancer is the brutal extreme makeover.
I think full blown menopause is here too based on the frequency of hot flashes in the last 3 days. Whoa. Like an eternal Turkish bath you live, walk, work, and sleep in ......
But hey! a bright side- I'm actually growing hair back!
It's very very fuzzy and almost non existant- but it's a very pale (if not white) light layer of fuzz on my head and also on my eyebrows. If I stand in sunlight just the right way and look in the mirror, I look just like Chaka.
The eyelashes still are falling out slowly too though.
Time is melting, combining and knitting all the hours and days together. Not long before I head home from a chemo is that I'm at work- then all of a sudden it's Friday- I need a blood test and Monday is greeted with chemo for breakfast. And it starts all over again.
Monday is chemo- Tuesday I find out if I carry the gene for this cancer.......
......
Mark asked me how I'm doing this. I know he's really scared and thinks a lot about this cancer- he's been down. So I told him there's really nothing to be down about. Yes- the temporary side effects really really suck and all the ordeal it comes with. I don't like it either, and yes- it did mess with my head- but I've had it occupy every minute of every thought since April 9th and I'm just tired of thinking and worrying at this point. You get to the point where worrying is just moot- and the vision to make the day the best you can is all you really can do. It is a heavy load.
But it's all about carrying the weight to the best of your center of gravity. Balancing, good. Walking around with unsecure ties , bad.
Every once in a while the load gets too much and you fall- but you learn from it. You grow from it, you get stronger for it.
It's a fight for life every day. And it is so easy to just say "I give up". The option is always right at your fingertips- always right there. Not my MO at all. I put that crap in the corner. I envision it as an ugly troll. And I flip him the bird. Sparkle nail polish is his kryptonite.
Stupid crap will always be stupid. Not worth the breath or anger to bitch about much of anything to the point where the energy put out is just detriment and poison. Nothing you can do to change the present, just always do your best :) Anything less and you feed that thing in the corner with self pity and fear and doubt...
It hurts me that the love of my life hurts.
It weighs on him very much and I can only do my best to do my best to show him this is a blessing in disguise. He knows it.
I love you, hunny. Everything is gonna be ok....Just gotta believe.......
Still riding a great high from the weekend.
I wish I could live at festivals every day of the summer.
I finally am feeling the onset of peripheral neuropathy- it's like wearing flaming gloves and socks made from broken glass. I managed to keep my hands busy today gently at work - hooping my embroidery and snipping my threads- but I don't imagine being able to do it very much if it gets any worse.
It pains me to have my hands feel like this- maybe it's a good thing I never learned guitar.
I managed to get to the chiropractor today and it was the first time in 2 weeks.What muscular bliss entailed- oh boy- I can't wait that long ever again. It is very weird to feel crappy bone pain- not be comfortable at all- head out to the chiro- get fixed and come back feeling so much better and still feeling pain. It's a more comfortable uncomfortabilitly if it makes any sense.
My bones and muscles ached so much- I actually did so awesome last week at work I got all high and mighty that I could do it again every week from then on. Ha. Yeah Right.
Drug smackdown again.
But I'm kicking butt- I'm not pushing myself , but doing as much as I can to maintain normalcy. Work helps...
Today I left work early with a nasty vicious femur devil in my leg- shoulders and fingers.
I'm done with allowing this stupid disease to give me days where it's not my say in how they go.
I'll make the best of what I get, rock at it and give the middle finger to the stupid bad parts.
A good day I will celebrate, enjoy and be grateful for- and project that more days should be like this.
It gets so grating on the nerves waking up after a good 3 days and feeling like shit. But ya know what? Feeling like shit I can make into something good if I can.
There is no can't.
I have 6 more weeks to go with chemo after next Monday and we're in the proverbial home stretch. 6 more weeks after that.
Surgery is still freaking me out.
I doubt I'll ever find a place of peace with the thought of going under and being cut open and having my breasts removed.
I'll find peace in my flat stomach though- for sure..... but still - it sucks.
I need to rise above the drug and find my path in all of this.
Very Carlos Casteneda-like----- in making peace with the plant in order to find what lessons it teaches.
I know for sure I'm meeting every bone in my body at least- I wonder what that means.
Tomorrow is the last night my sister is here- I'm so thankful she came up to see me. We're planning on fireworks tomorrow night at the boardwalk......I hope it doesn't rain and happens.....
Back from such a great weekend at Bear's Picnic. A short weekend- but so totally awesome.
I am blessed for the wonderful extended family we have in the musical world that transcends state borders and facebook ---- We were helped out a lot by our friends who saved us a camping spot, made sure we knew where to go and allowed us a nice big shady area to hang , meet new folks and stay cool under. And hear soft acoustic music as well.It was such a great time and I don't have enough thank yous for everyone who we crossed paths with this weekend merrily.
Proof that music heals- Mark and I wound up front and center for the Mickey Hart Band saturday night and danced HARD. and Mark does not dance! My legs did not hurt nearly as bad and I got over the pain, was hurting by the end- but toughed it out throught the last song and needed to sit down for the encore- Hell- I TRIED and did it. :) YAY!
His music of the universe is something to behold- I missed hearing music like that so much and it just filled the cup and it OVERFLOWED.
Simply amazing. Words cannot describe what original music like that sounds like... FEELS like is more like it.
We just are in awe of the music that finds itself before us that moves us, moves our hearts, and fills up an inside space akin to the heart. That was one of those moments in time and space where you could feel the music around you- pulling everyone together in unison like a collective float of stars in our own galaxy- each one, a cloud 9.
Crazy. It felt so healing.
If that doesn't work wonders for the cells, then prayer is a farce.
So I soaked that stuff UP.............
Mark's Juggling Suns Project really did it for me too, it's been such a long time hearing such familiar stuff, I was full of joy just soaking that in too.
I love my husband's music- and he played the song about Magnolia Road too. **tears**
The weekend just wiped me out though. Very tired. Lots of bone pain... If it is from the dancing- then good. It was well worked for. The pain is slowly getting more and more intense and sharp.
My sister and her husband and daughter are also up from North Carolina staying at my mom's house, so my sister was able to come with me to the chemo appointment today in Mount Holly. It was great. We shared the room with the Cheetos lady, the Vietnam Vet from a few weeks ago, and an 89 year old vet with lymphoma- who was in WWII, Korea and Vietnam as well. The 2 vets had the same cancers and would put money on that being the reason for their affliction (Agent Orange). The 89 year old guy also was getting the red chemo I was getting at first. Oof that stuff will knock you out.
A little trouble again getting a vein despite being really hydrated, I just hate when the nurse wiggles that giant needle around to get some blood to draw and get that iv tube in there....- UGH.
We got it on the first shot and rolled from there- It was a quiet day in the chemo room. I'm really glad my sister came out too.
Chemo went alright- Britt got to enjoy a drive through the Pine Barrens and see a NJ that doesn't get props very much for its great soil, blueberries and satanic children that jump up chimneys after birth.
I am home now and really very tired. My bloodwork was ok- my WBC and hemoglobin counts keep slowly down- but not to dangerous levels.
I question if I'll have the energy to keep it up again this week.... I hope I do, but the well to draw it all from is drying up.
I do feel pretty great though- my legs just don't like to feel good. and sometimes their friends shoulders, fingers and elbows join them.
Hitting a wall and getting dizzy as I type this..... Need to lie down and rest. for real.
It's Melody's Birthday today!!! My holy terror love bug is 2! Terrible Twos, times 100. lol. I love her though and she and her sister are my heart, and I wouldn't give them up for anything.
Having a better week- both my boss and husband tell me I'm seeming better- despite my eyelashes and eyebrows consistently falling out , that I look and sound good. I still crash like a Mack Truck with no brakes in San Francisco- HARD- but the levels of fatigue are rising- it's nice. Work has been kicking my ass since there all of a sudden is a lot to do and helping out my helper get stuff done. Probably one of the last times I will be doing it since this work is not kind to fingernails, hands, feet at all. Taxol causes lifting of the fingernails and toenails- great caution needs to be taken in cases of this since they may have to be removed by a professional in the case of it getting real bad. They turn purple and start to literally break off . I'm scared of that. So I need to be careful at work and not do the things I did with my fingernails in the past. A few weeks ago I smacked my fingernail at work with a rubber mallet accidentally and it's hurt ever since. Eek. It's the middle finger ironically. I think it's gonna go downhill from here.
Bone pain has been here and there- nothing really major until late at night- but by then I am totally beat exhausted and dead to the world in bed sleeping by then. I am having some insomnia lately- which doesn't help when I have to be at work at 6am. I crave the weekends. I am allowed to go home during the week when it gets rough, so thankfully I have that because my boss is awesome. Generally achy too- but I haven't been able to make it to the chiropractor since last week - so I need an appt. there too. and I'm thirsty ALL THE TIME. I can't get enough water.
I finally got my surgery date too- November 9th.
What is with the 9? I love it- it's my fave # of all time. I got married on 9/9 (Our 9th wedding anniversary was 9/9/99) , I was born in the 9th month, I found my lump on the 9th, I was given my diagnosis on the 9th, and now surgery on the 9th. I have a buttload of instances where 9 keeps coming up in my life- Ernest Borgnine, I even have a tattoo of the number 9..... but now it's gettin' freaky.
Someone once told me John Lennon was the same way with the number 9 too.
So excited for Saturday's trip out of my bubble- I am really having live music withdrawls and I'm missing what a regular summertime usually contains.... Almost here. Just one more day left of work and I head out past the tolls and into Amish Country. !!!!!
It was a trip again to Mount Holly with mom to Virtua for Taxol infusion #4.
It's been crowded lately with some waiting time.
My blood results once again was great, but Phyllis kind of lingered a little longer when doing an exam of the axilla lymph node- the big 'un I originally found that brought me to this moment.
I feel it inside sometimes, sometimes it has a very small ache to it. Phyllis said sometimes it's rub up against nerves and irritate it. Either way, feeling it I'll never like or get used to.
So said it didn't seem to change much size. Or 'get any bigger'. So I guess that's ok.
It was kind of a weird feeling to hear that though if she examined it for so long.
Hm.
No biggerness allowed.
I got right into the quiet chemo room again- The lady with the Cheetos that one time was back again, along with the ladies where 1 had the rectal cancer and didn't lose her hair, and the cute little 77 years young lady with colon cancer. The little old lady was on her last chemo - which was great to be apart of. They drew smiley faces all over her big plastic bags filled with drugs and on the IV bags.....
And there was a guy doing his first time with colon cancer as well.
I seem to be the only one without a port , so I take my ativan, am prepped for the IV, and in comes a nurse tht hasn't stuck me yet. I've seen her, but among the 5 constant nurses I see, she hasn't stuck me yet. First vein. No hit.
She had to stick me 3 more times to finally get a vein in my hand. It was really painful. It still hurts now.
Mom the paramedic kept making faces as the nurse kept sticking me, and eventually was kneeling on the floor as my arm dangled over the edge so a vein could pop out, whacking me with her finger.
The nurse I think was pissed. I was embarrassed.
Eegads.
I guess I have to hydrate a little more before chemo. Bad me.
I keep getting less and less steroids every time, and that's good. I'm 1/3 of the way through.
2 hours in the room and I am now home, tired and ready for sleep.easing into achy legs for the evening and not a fan of Vicodin still.
Ready for work tomorrow and what the week will bring ahead.
I feel much better today- and I felt really good yesterday too to enjoy a Sunday with my family at the farmer's market, Target, Costco and BestBuy (for a new iPod since my little 2 year old terror decided to teach the iPod touch to swim when no one was looking), and we wound up at the Seaside boardwalk because Point Pleasant was just way too overpriced in parking and very crowded. Melody hadn't been on a boardwalk ride yet so we were excited to take her, and Azalea was super excited to ride rides with her little sister.
The kids had so much, we got really good dark chocolate at the Berkley Sweet shop - because eating dark chocolate is good for cancer patients I read- so I'm gonna run with that, thank you, and we just had a great time. My energy was great and kept up with me as long as I took it easy- I came home, I sat down, I crashed. The Vini Vidi Vice of chemo.
It felt nice to have normal visit me again.
Phyllis says that these days will be more frequent too as the original chemo regimen (the AC) leaves my body. it takes a while.
AWESOME!!!
I feel more of myself now than 4 days ago. Maybe it's the drugs or a more permanent veil lifting overall.....?
Still no surgery date.
I am also really having the urge to draw - I need to start on the album cover and artwork for the husband;s new CD- get the visual design part done - I'm psyched to churn out some organic lines. and color them in.
I need to get more wigs too. I'm getting used to the idea of having funky hair I can remove.
yay.
goodness is around.
enjoying every minute of it.
....go give someone a hug, people.......
love&light
xo
b
I have officially resigned from the school of Mind Over Matter.
Normal has gone out the window and I just have to STFU and deal with it.
Bone pain is getting more intense and more frequent- It feels like distant ditch diggers that live in the depths of your bones either scraping the insides out, or pounding you with large dull hammers. Every so often. Mostly in my legs- but not limited to my shoulders, my arms, my fingers, my ties, my feet, my knees and ribs. I think I covered it all.
Enough already.
The temper tantrum loving , headstrong 2 year old doesn't add to the fun either.
I'm whining, yes- but dude- nothing feels normal anymore.
I was able to drag myself out to the Shoprite yesterday but it was a big shopping trip and I would not have been able to do it by myself. Or with kids. Mark came out with me and helped so much. Kids were with Grandma.... Grocery shopping was a feat of strength. I looked great though. When I feel like crap, I barely want to put on any makeup or anything- I just throw a hat and sunglasses on and go.
As I was getting ready for Shoprite, I had a scarf on my head and big hoop earrings. I looked in the mirror and saw a scurvy pirate. I just needed a sword. As crappy as I felt, if I had to go out and capture toilet paper in bulk on sale , I was going to look fabulous at least and not like a scurvy pirate. It was a great lesson. Eyeshadow can regulate a bad feeling very well I found.
I don't like driving sometimes on this stuff . I feel detached from what's going on around me since I don;t feel like my existence on this plane is normal at all. It's a strange sensation. So weird.
I can't make plans, I feel crappy all the time, I am able just enough to get to work; but nothing seems to be accommodating this stuff, though. And in my dreams, I have cancer too.
The drug is like a temper tantrum loving, headstrong 2 year old! Wow- a revelation just now!
and steroids!
Fun times.
No surgery date yet.....
Today I attempt back to school shopping with Azie.
DAY80 Wow. 80 days already??.... It's goes by so fast, and the slowest at the same time. 80 days of my body being bombed out in a chemo blitzkreig.
about 60 left.
No word yet on my surgery date- something is taking very long that shouldn't, and I'm a little worried because I just want these dates set.I need something to circle on a calendar.
Tonight the kids are gone and Mark is at work on the boardwalk tonight. I'm feeling like yuck. Super tired and the expected bone pain.... Ugh. A headache is forming as I type.
I'm just trying to get ahead of what this drug is doing to me, it's like staying afloat and above water in a hurricane at high tide. Between emotions and the physical- it's a hell of a swim.
And I hate hate hate painkillers. I have taken them for pain, but I just do not like their vibe and effects and the whole blech of them. Right now- the fact I want to chop my legs off because of this bone pain is enough to make me reach for the Vicodin, although I'm waiting as long as I can. Today all the bones are singing their song in unison. Loudly. I did manage to get in about 4 hours of work done this morning, I wonder what tomorrow will bring. But alas, tomorrow never knows. words of wisdom.
There's an ice cold super green kombucha waiting for me in the fridge at least. But someone took the ice cream. Hm.
Pretty exhausted today - I managed to get in almost a full workday -
I'm anticipating a day or two after this of pure tired. It's already starting.
This trip to chemo this week was a great one- I didn't even notice the nurse changing out my IV - great conversation between 3 other ladies and myself. The one lady sitting closest to me, probably in her early 50s, a cute lady who reminded me of Phoebe Snow, had metastatic breast cancer. In 1983 they gave her little chance, and she's still kicking butt. With 2 recurrences of breast cancer, unrelated ovarian cancer, bone marrow cancer and bone cancer. She looked great and her attitude was awesome. I gave her the little jar of turkey tail in my purse- her breast cancer was all hormonal too. She told me she'll never dye her hair again. She has Dr. Cairoli too. Almost 30 years living past the few months her doctors gave her- what a chick.
After the week I had last week, I'm really glad I met her. I need to start looking at things differently. It's funny how you think you can figure something out, yet there's always a higher lesson lurking around the corner. It's a cosmic spanking. My visit with Phyllis showed no change in my tumors. She told me to tell people that I am "stable". As long as the lumps and bumps don't grow, we're doin' good.
They won't know the entire picture until they get out and test what they take out of me with surgery. So there's still a piece of the puzzle unknown yet.
It's a long road.
This steroid crap is for the birds too.
I'm doing my best to get up the energy for things, but it's impossible. My brain is scattered a lot too. I keep forgetting EVERYTHING. lol.
Really psyched to get out next week to A Bear's Picnic. It's a festival in Pennsylvania. Mark is playing that as a gig, I get to see some awesome people I do not nearly get to see enough, and Mickey Hart is playing too. Eek! So excited!!
I started taking Turkey Tail. It's a medicinal mushroom in nano powdered for so it goes right into my bloodstream. It rocks at protecting my body from the ravages of chemotherapy, has been known to kick tumors' asses, and looks good doing it.
It's so pretty and tie dyed looking. I love it so much and happy to ingest such gorgeousness.
Thank you mama Summer....
The family and I went out to Nature's Corner in Spring Lake today to stock up on some more beets, celery, and pick up what we could to carry us through an immediate chemo round and it's aftermath, Kombucha of course.
I ventured over to the raw section of highly expensive food in half ounce containers. It was missing a price tag but it was a half pound bag of organic raw trail mix labeled as an immune booster. Of course I grabbed it and joked to Mark that it was probably 30 dollars. It was the only item on the shelf whose price tag had mysteriously disappeared. I put it in the basket anyway not remembering to do a price check at the register.
I was wrong. It ended up being 13. eek. whoops.
It's delicious though.
Maybe if I plug them here they'll find it and send me more for free for advertising for them.... Gnosis Chocolate! Buy it now! It's great!!Click here!!!
It really is great though. Seriously Gnosis Chocolate people- you have a fan.
Got some chips and superfood bars to carry me through the after hours of not wanting any food and bouncing all over the place loaded on steroids.
Nice 10am chemo appointment roday, looking forward to another drive through the gorgeous Pine Barrens. At least that's a high point of the day. :) I will always love that drive.
I don't even want to talk about the Yankees..... *sigh*......
This new chemo drug is some heavy stuff. As I discover a new twist in it's maze every day. I boiled over after a very crappy week. Lost my temper, got very upset. I just let it all out. You can only be so jolly for so long before the cracks start.
So the old skin of this first run of chemo cracked and peeled- and finally was shed- I feel exhausted but an odd brand new at the same time. Now I'm not sure if the steroid stays in my system this long either- but something is causing my mind to race and make me restless. I have no control over it. I'll talk to Phyllis about this Tuesday when I go in for Taxol #3.
So yes- it's been , shall we say , psychic this week. A purge of lots of pent up energy and emotion, the tide spilling over the sides of the sea walls finally after a rough storm comes in. Crazy. I do my best to keep happy, to keep busy. Keep reinforcing myself to keep going. Go go go. But at some point the weight gets too heavy and the sea wall explodes into a million pieces. spilling all that swirling oceanic destructive majesty everywhere........
So that's what happened. Sea wall is back up and higher now. Because I see how this stuff messes with you, It feeds off that anger. Rising above being angry at something you can't see is a pretty good idea, because it's pretty stupid to be pissed at something you can't control. Like the weather.
Why waste my time?
I feel so good right now though to let the skin go....go out to sea. My legs feel awesome today too. No baseball bat pain yet.
And the Yanks are currently beating Seattle right now - they've been losing a lot lately. :( My father would change the channel during sad games like the ones in the past and grumble...calling them the 'Dead Bat Society'. Haha.
Azalea comes back today too from 5 days with Mark's mother and sister in Connecticut. They took her for a few days and took her shopping and out to a movie and fun stuff like that. I'll be psyched to have my family back together again tonight. Mark met his sister at a family reunion in Northwest Jersey today to get her and took Melody with him so I get a much needed break to rest. back to work tomorrow morning.
As far as other body things go, I haven't had much of an appetite lately. Just tired and thirsty mostly. My eyelashes keep falling out. Same with my eyebrows. Which is kinda cool since I am of the Mediterranean persuasion and eyebrows are furry usually...like caterpillars go wild if left unkempt. So i don't have to worry about waxing them anymore. lol. I would like them to stay right how they are now though. The hair on my head is still kinda stubbly and patchy, but more is gone. I am having a Lex Luthor looking day.
2 days ago, my liquid liner got in my eye, and a few eyelashes went with it and my eye was all weird and pink and gross. It's better today. Oh well. I guess I have to go out and get new liquid liner now. Beauty supply store therapy session is in order soon.
I also went for the big genetic test on Wednesday at Virtua in Voorhees to see if I am BRCA1 /2 positive. If so, the rest of my siblings might have to get tested as it is recommended. It was a 3 hour test of counseling, mapping, countless questions, more scary stuff, and me spitting into a vial. I was so glad this was not a blood test. Basically they test my DNA to see if I have a gene that is faulty that would explain the cause my cancer. This gene also indicates a predisposition for prostate cancer, pancreatic cancer, breast cancer recurrence, and ovarian cancer. In that case I would have to get my fallopian tubes and ovaries removed after the mastectomy. I am opting for a double even though no cancer was found in the left one regardless. I am not going through this all over again. My kids don't need to see that either. I will find out the results before a Taxol visit on August 28th. I worry they won't have enough belly fat to make new boobs when surgery rolls around. If this is the case, then I will happily volunteer the fat sticking to my hips and thighs for donations. I can get a few sets of boobs out of that right there. I will ask the surgeon. I hope he laughs. He's a pretty serious fellow. Last time I saw him, he was sticking giant core needles in my armpit and breast. Nice way to meet someone.
As i typed this, I got a surprise visit from my coworker who brought me flowers and kale. lol. Good thing I had the hat close- No time to assemble all my 'parts' (eyebrows, eyelashes, head covering, etc)- i just put on a hat. Oh well. lol. Thanks, Mike & Meghan :) . That was a sweet gesture.
And we had a strange occurrence earlier today where my van's doors unlocked themselves, opened and shut and locked itself back up. Poltergeists. I still can't figure it out. Or it just could be all that lovely fragrant bedding a band keeps in their van on the road trying to get out to a washing machine. Weirdness.
Sorry for the delay in posts, folks- I would love to be the positive bouncy Tigger, but this week has been very taxing on the spirit, soul, body and mind. I'm just feeling beat up everywhere.
This week has been back at work, making the best out of it- and doing what I can, but the drug knocks me down. The idea of having cancer knocks me down. It hits me in the legs with baseball bats. It tweaks my head. Like a twisted jarof Hellman's, it brings out the best. It makes me react. It makes things fucked up and it brings back that stupid ego in thinking that I should have a better ride with all of this.
I wish I could say that this has been a walk in the park, but emotionally it's a walk through something less than fabulous. More than I ever expected it to.
I've reached a point where the fight exists, I just need to pick and choose how the fight applies in reality.
I walk through the valley of death, the valley of life, the valley of sparkly eyeshadow, the valley of liquid liner revolting on you and giving you an eye infection, the valley of silly, and the valley of alone.
