octoberrrrrr.

(i love this version)

DAY133 part 2

I had to dedicate one post to how I feel about October. (part1 below)
Just not a fan.
and I look forward to being reminded of it every year.

Azalea ended September as she always does - with a birthday and she is now 10!
I managed to include my entire family's birthdays within this chemo run. what a feat!

So my 11th Taxol took place Monday. Vietnam Vet Guy with lymphoma from Agent Orange was there, as was Bonnie the Cheeto lady, and I met a 90 year old woman who wasn't even grey yet (she started her chemo recently and hadn't lost her hair yet).  She told us she has been married for 67 years!
I also sat next to another woman who had breast cancer, had the lumpectomy and in the lymph node removal - they found a tiny bit the size of a pepper flake in ONE. so she had to do a round of the same chemo regimen I did. She was on Taxol #5 and had the AC too.
Her husband talked the whole time. lol.
I did this chemo trip solo.- I didn't take the Ativan but the drive home kinda sucked nonetheless. Tired.
I did get some time to think and reflect and be with my thoughts. and enjoy the sun coming through the trees as I drove down Magnolia Road.

My WBC counts also jumped way back up to 3.9!!!
They never question it, and always praise the numbers, so I'm doing good.
I am making it a point to visit the chiropractor as much as I can- it's been great in how much Dr. G helps.
When he cracks my back, it sounds like someone stepping on a bag of kettle chips. Good for the lymphatics!
and...drum rolls please.....
NEXT WEEK IS MY LAST CHEMO.
and guess what?
It's October 9th.

9 again.

So I plan on getting my makeup on and favorite wig and do my chemo and dance out of that hallway when I am done. Azalea wants to go too.

So happy to end this countdown of days for a change. 133 is a lot so far.
only 7 more to go. 7!!!!!!!!!

and we want the Yankees to kick some Bosox butt tonight.

Feelin' ok- tired as always.
I decided to just say whatevs and finally post a picture of my true look. I was a little self conscious about doing this- but that's my stupid ego again..... but I hope people can take something away from it and either make it a point to possibly do a self exam, schedule that annual you keep putting off, or be inspired to join the fight for the cause. No girl should have to look like Joe Girardi.
My post below (part 1) has a nifty set of links for all sorts of action and in theme of what october really should stand for.
Find a cause, find a cure.
so here i am::
Me in May- right after chemo #1( I miss that hair!)




 June (when eyebrows ruled the world)


Today

and today after applying an hour of eye glitter. I just don't wake up like that, ya know.
Purple Jean Shrimpton!


So there ya go. That's what I really look like under the top hat.
This is what cancer drugs to do you.
You can kind of see my hair growing out in its little fuzziness. It's splotchy between patches of grey, white and dark brown.
I have probably 10 eyelashes left total and not much eyebrows.
and steroids like to give you acne too.
yay. gorgeous. :)

Doing ok though- the bone pain has been taking a sweet vacation and not visiting as much- my hands and feet are burning more each day- but no loss of function.
good.
Ready for the  next to the last of the crashes tomorrow.....


xo

happy times. tired times.

DAY40

I can't believe it's been 40 days since my first chemo. If this was the Bible, I would have found the promised land by now, or begat Enoch or something like that.

Yesterday I took it easy, but I needed to get out of the house, so in this crazy heat of 90 degrees, we took the kids for a very brief visit to a local farm that has farm animals you can feed carrots too. Melody chased a giant black Chinese chicken around and imitated the goats. It was a riot. Not easy being in the sun so much, but I hydrated and stayed good. Azalea went over a friend's house later on and came back and I managed to get both my kids back by the end of the day, which made me smile and it felt good to have them close to me.
I also got gifted a massive amount of beets, broccoli, peppers, herbs and cabbage!!

I also made it a point to visit the beauty supply store, which is an AutoZone for chemotherapy patients needing to maintain fabulous.
Eyelashes, wigs, scarves, eyebrow pencils, fun stuff. My eyebrows and eyelashes are next to fall out - I hear every hair goes bye bye with Taxol. I love shimmery eyeshadow crayons. in green.
I could go nuts in there, especially since I should be a member of Nail Polish Anonymous. I have a nail polish problem too - which is soon going to grow into an eye makeup problem if I don't keep it in check.....
I got a new short wigs and some colored hair to decorate with. Absentmindedly, I went to put the feather clip into my hair and realized. hey. I don't have any.
I don't miss it.
Especially when it's 95 degrees outside.

Today we went to a pig roast my boss had at his house. I managed to last 2 hours before needing to go home, but the kids had such a great time in the pool. I got to hang with people I don't see that much anymore, but I miss very much. I work in a place where we hug each other. You don't get that very often in life.... I miss old life of going to work everyday and not dealing with cancer. I miss having more than 4 good hours of energy in a day.
Sometimes it gets to be too much where I just wish I could step out of this reality for an hour and reassemble. But i can't. Or maybe I can with enough fake eyelashes and eyebrow pencils from the beauty supply store.
....either way it takes a toll on ya.
I am not gonna lie.
Low isn't a spot where I want to be, but I visit sometimes, but I make sure it never ever gets the best of me like that lake that ate the horse in the Neverending Story.

That wouldn't be fun.
I just want to get this last AC chemo appointment and following week done and over with already. It messes with you after a while both physically and mentally.

I keep on keepin' on.... for everyone and me.

So the heat and emotion had it's fun this weekend.....
Tired, nauseous, more stupid stabs of bone pain.....i am so tired of these drugs.
I need to lie down (surprise!)
and happy that I do not have hair on my head today!!!
onward Falcor!!

A trip to the 10th circle of hell.

DAY36

Neulasta shot again at 7. Time for Satan's bar crawl again. I'll be drinking the juice for 24 hours and finally hit the floor for the hellish spins around 6pm tomorrow night.
I'll try to watch a better Lifetime movie too.
I'll be so happy when this AC train stops.

My body is kind of expecting stuff now. The nauseousness is deeper and more intense now. I managed an hour at shoprite to get some supplies for the journey - which was rough. But it felt nice to get dressed, put some makeup on and get out one last time into the human world this week. Azalea helped out. She holds onto my coupons as i shop... I am a coupon nut.  I have a binder and everything. I actually skipped buying the sunday paper and clipping coupons for the first week in over a year this past sunday and it killed me! lol.
paid 58.00 , saved 41.00. go me. A couponing trip is few and far between these days, so welcome to my domestic DisneyWorld.

And now the pulling starts. The soul becoming detached from the soul container. it's like getting gum out of hair. Or mozzarella cheese out of lasagna. I feel like I'm coming more "apart" when I feel this crappy. I am thankful for this. I REFUSE to allow ANY of this to affect my spirit. And it can't because of the same physical property ghosts have that makes them walk through walls. Cancer does not exist in the spirit world. Organs are just car parts.
So there.
You will not get me cancer.

It sounds really odd, but I've usually not been a fan of pieces taken off of me that I can't see later.
I've gotten to keep most every tooth I have had extracted in my adult years, and I saw my babies and their placentas come out, and I watched fluid in my hand getting drained out along with pints and pints of blood over the years. It's fascinating to me to see my own guts.
I'm going to ask my surgeons to save my tumors for me to see later. I'm that weirdo. I wonder if they'll think the same. Or if they get lots of people asking that too. I don't want to keep them , just see them. MRI's just don't cut it. haha - i just made a pun.
......

My next post will probably be tomorrow during a good window~ thanks for all your support , people and all the kind words - they are my fighting tools and medicine as well.
I love you all.....


xo

b

i don't need shampoo anymore.....

route 9 has bennies too.

Alexis

 DAY12

I did it!
It's allllll gone.
And it feels GREAT.

Here's a photo journey:

Starring : Brianne Diomede as "The Cancer Patient"
Azalea Diomede as "The Best Kid on the Planet"
Attendees: Jen Augustine, Alexis Robinson and Beth Oros.
Photos by Beth Oros
Soundtrack: by The Annoyas, Jane's Addiction, West Ham United Soccer Team, & Talvin Singh
Key Grip: Lucy
Catering : Jason's Organic Pizza Cafe
Extras: bennies on the road. driving stupidly.

I have to say that the feeling of water on a head with no hair is fabulous.
yay!

Azie the Awesome Kid

Before the cut.

Everyone got a braid to cut for themselves

the first slice. no warning.

a hug before

snip snip snip

not bad. I can see all my greys.

the new do.

cancer's amazing powers.

Still no pathology word. I'm assuming things are ok....so we progress back to living forward.

This has been on my mind lately, this whole cancer thing. Things happen to us i truly believe as lessons. To teach us. Whether it be having a child, hitting a bad patch where our worst shines through, sickness, the sickness of a loved one.....
To make it simple, I'm grateful for this. I have seen so much in myself and especially others since this whole thing started..... I needed to eat more vegetables, I needed to talk to my family more often, I needed to chill out in being the anxiety ridden double Virgo I am. I worried about everything.
My dad died in 2010, I had a baby 5 months later, my husband had what they thought was a mini-stroke in September last year. All these things made me stop and check myself and say "I need to change the way I __________" It was always about something I worried about, or did, or felt towards others that was my agenda. Well thats just stupid ego, I found.
When you find yourself with cancer, something that will 100% kill you if you do not fight and take action, it is the ulitmate ass kicker. and it does not discriminate.
Things now, I find myself more patient, more in love with the simple things, more engaged in life - so much more than any other time in my life. And more in love with the people that stand next to me in life. Little things don't matter. What someone said doesn't bother me any more. Thinking I may have screwed up  doesn't matter.
That's the ego. Me worrying about how dumb shit would affect me. Cancer is the evil Kraken that shakes you to your very living core of all things psychic and physical. and it kills your ego too if you let it. And ya know what- if no other life experience has killed it yet, this definitely did. and that's why I am grateful. I'm learning to finally live that life without that ego.
The kindess of others has staggered me.  Every note, card, phone call, hug, well wish, offer of help, and the help I cannot be more grateful for. Seriously. (and nancy, I know you are reading this and you are my inspiration so much right now!!!)

me and my best bounce house friend rocco giving cancer the official new jersey salute.

Last night Mark played at a regular bar of his in New Brunswick, a mardi gras themed cute little bar in the heart of Rutgers country. The love of all the people who came out to see me off on my road (and even the ones that were there in spirit) gave my heart so much joy. The support is overwhelming. I wish I could bake you all cookies!!!!! (Someday I will too!) I also got to see the girls from high school I haven't seen in just about 18 years earlier in the day, and it was great to just sit and chill and reconnect with some really fabulous women.

Little stuff and other's dramas seem small to me. like too small for me to even waste my energy on it. We've got bigger fish to fry in life. and that fish is love. fry it and eat it up and let it fill you up. What kind of change is it if you allow small garbage to weigh your armor down in battle?

Sorry if I sound sappy but the whole esoteric side to this disease is really knocking in my head. I have no more tests to worry about for now, and chemo is the DAY AFTER TOMORROW. eek! lol.
these past posts was the driveway, Tuesday I get on the  major freeway.
I have some anxiety over it. I do have to do my best at work tomorrow.

I also took my mom, Mark and the girls to the wig store in Englishtown to pick out my new hair. I'm not too big on haircuts- probably 1 real haircut in the last 15 years- a few trims in between.... it's a long pile of thick grey and brown dyed black about down to my lower back. I got the Cadillac of wigs with real hair, and hell. It's a perfect head of hair. lol. I was telling my mother I have to jump on it and grind it in to the pavement to break it in and give it that look. lol. It's long and black though, and I'm totally psyched to not have to worry about touching up my grey roots at ALL. We also went to the Seaside boardwalk today, and I saw a guy doing hair wraps on some teenage girl. I thought it might be funny to one day ask the guy if he would do a wrap for me, sit down, and then get up during the hair wrap as the hair stays in his hand. wakka wakka! That's me. Not normal and always the wiseass.
June 1st at noon I go GI Jane behind wig store doors, and leave with the greatest hair I've ever had. lol.
I've always wondered what my head looks like. Maybe I'll be surprised with a giant Gorbachev birthmark!

down day...kinda

went to work again today. I have the best boss in the entire world. And his wife is pretty awesome too. She works with the breast mammo part of  a local hospital so everyone knows firsthand what I'm going through for the most part. If you are reading this Lisa, I love you and thank you for all the help, emails and support. and you married a great man. :)

I had to take off early since I had yet more calls to make- make sure i visited the dentist before chemo starts, set up a meeting with the wig people, set everything up with my local ACS branch for any services they offer. I found out my insurance covers my wig 100%.
Not sure if i'll rock one all the time- it is summer and I'm sure I'll be hot and itchy.... The cosplay long hair wigs I found rule and take hot irons too.... I'm gonna order one to see how it goes. If i like it, I'll get a few more.

And I took the Ninja back to the store. That thing sucked. So inconvenient. plus it said it juiced on the box ---and it does not juice. I bought a standby juicer for the time being since our other one is a POS and slowly shitting the bed.
Rocking my kale, broccoli, carrots, celery, beets and spinach.... getting the blood ready for an onslaught of a heavy toxic bomb.

Checking out at Lowe's today- I noticed a priest was working there. full collar and cross- he wound up being my cashier and told me not to ride the broom mop i bought. lol. I wanted so bad to leave my transaction with the words "May the Lord be with you". all 15 years of Catholic school I know that mass by heart.I didn't say it though.   I did inquire to another employee as to why a priest was working there and she said that he was "in between churches". lol 
 ??? ok. add it to the small weird oddities I've been noticing lately.

and my husband is the greatest. I have to say that right here. So much we have gone through in our 14 years together... I don't know where I would be without the fabulous model of a real man he is. I love you hun <3

I've also noticed a major increase of birds landing and speaking close to me. Cue the Carpenters here <3
I had the red tail hawk, countless cardinals flying in my path while driving, and a blue jay and redwing blackbird visit me closer than any bird ever has in the past. Either my dad is hanging out with me or what....they;re everywhere though. I like good signs.

Tomorrow I get to go to Azie's school and teach tie dye.... :) so happy about that. :) a busy day of early morning work>blood test>mixing dyes> off to school.....

I need rest but I have so much to do. I would give anything right now for a full day of sleep without tests, needles, doctors calls, work, or mommy stuff. I am exhausted.

Rest in Peace, Donna Summer.