radiation - day4

I am not having fun with this.

Not that cancer is any fun at all besides getting the good parking spaces, but just when ya think you can't get knocked down - you get knocked down more.

Radiation is moving along well in between days off and holidays- I'm feeling a slight start to a 'burn' - but then again- my breast and armpit are completely numb so I'm fortunate to not be able to feel the whole shebang.
But I'm starting to feel something.
But I'm sick. Nauseousness everywhere. Haven't thrown up since that last time...but golly this really sucks.
This could easily be the Tamoxifen too- I just don't know. I'm just nauseous a good part of every day.

The hot flashes, insomnia, and leg pain are also old friends that have come back to roost.
Add to the healing of the torso and it's fun time. Mark asked me last night how to describe what bothers me- the feeling of having this surgery has moved past broken glass seatbelts and healed into the nice feeling of an adult wearing very small and tight clothing. Only it's my skin. That's how it feels. Like wearing really tight control top pantyhose all over your body.
I guess the tightness of the belly will go away with time. But the feeling of pressure, tightness, and limited mobility - it's kind of annoying. It gets bloated too for whatever reason.
My arm is another story- being done with physical therapy I am not sure how it's supposed to heal from here. I am certainly not a fan of not kowing what the deal is with a bum right arm- I just wonder when it will be when I can type for an hour and not have my arm start to swell. Or hurt. I want my old arm back.
It's a 24 hour feeling of just uncomfortable.

It's one of those days where I am questioning my radiation again. I got into the waiting room today and noticed the tech sitting down with a woman telling her that what they did didn't work, and they have to re-do something. I don't like hearing those conversations. Especially before I go to get my daily dose and they forgot to put the thing under my knees to hold me still. So I had to do it myself and hold very still on my own.
I just want to get through this. With no problems, or conversations that "They didn't do it right". Not a fan of when people who don't have their shit together. Um- ESPECIALLY when dealing with cancer treatments. This is a small slice of what it would have been like if I got my treatments closer to home. Really.

I managed to get an extra 4 weeks from disability- so the rest will help and the radiation can get done without stressing out about work.
I'm starting to really stress out about work and just everything today. Ugh.
and nauseous on top of it.

Bad day in the cancer reality. Bad day. Boo.
I need a better day than today.

oncology...humor

Had my first oncologist appt. with Dr. Cairoli today.

A+! He's Italian, and i noticed the picture of Mickey Mantle on his office wall today.
For a beginner reader of this- I'll prelude to my dad...He fought a bitch of a cancer for 8 years before dying of it in 2010.... One of huge loves of his life was the Yankees. and goddamn if he never talked abotu Mickey Mantle being the greatest. He loved Mantle. So much so that I thought about naming my last daughter Seven in honor of him. I know it has the Seinfeld stigma- but it was cool!

So when I see someone so into the Yanks, or Mantle even- I know it's a sign from my dad. Plus the oncology floor of this hospital is 100% Fox Chase. The best.

Dad has made his presence known so much lately through all of this- I can't deny it.

So I met with the oncologist and we talked about chemo, cancer, mastectomy, losing my hair, and all that good stuff----
I start chemo May 22 following a million tests dependent on what kind of BC cells I have.

I found out that I'll feel like shit, and lose my hair- to which I told the doc that I would buy a Bozo wig to wear instead of being bald.
Obviously this guy doesn't know my humor - he told me no.
of course I won't get a Bozo wig - but  a blue or purple one, holy crap, yes. I always wanted a full head of blue hair.
Hilarity gets me through these days.
I am scheduled for so many tests at this point.... My chemo depends on what type of cancer cells are in my body- which noone knows right now.

as losing my boob?
bring it- if i have to chop off this boob and nipple- then so be it and I'll get a tattoo of Hello Kitty over the scar. Or something else badass. like Kenny Powers' face, or a Kraken, or a tattoo of 5 weird Total Recall style nipples.....
All about laughing. Cause all of this shit is starting to get funny and I'm laughing.

There is no other option besides fight than laugh.

and Thank goodness for cosplay people. If it wasn't for them and there bizarre video game obsession, wigs that reach the floor in the colors of blue and white wouldnt exist for people like me dealing with cancer and losing my hair.
Black lady wigs rule too.

So black women and cosplay aficionados - cherish your wigmakers. cause they shall inherit the earth for us funky cancer patients. GET DOWN!!!!