Still waiting on that nasty OSHA report.
It makes me angrier every day that I feel more like shit because of this treatment- and I didn't have to go through this. I wasn't supposed to be exposed to all those chemicals- I was supposed to be respected enough to be looked after at my workplace.
I feel dumb in a way for staying so long. But how would I have known? They didn't follow any sort of any safety rule at all. Like providing employees with the big book of company chemical ingredients.
Had I known about the benzene alone that was being sprayed all over- I wouldn't have worked there. No way.
So I sit here, on my official second day of being unemployed and uninsured--- a boss who got so upset I called him out on safety (because who the fuck needs a safe workplace?)- and was irritated as it was with the length of my disability- I just want to hit him.
Hard. I can't even do that with my arm. He knows we're broke. I cannot afford the COBRA payments- so thankfully my radiation is over and it's mostly followups from here on out. NJ will give me insurance if I can go 6 months without. Which is scary- but what choice do I have? I already found out my insurance isn't covering my radiation anyway so just add it to the giant pile of medical bills. 23,000 dollars for half a run of rads. YO. who can afford that?? The blue collar jerk who has to slave in a warehouse full of chemicals for 16.50 an hour whose priorities are feeding her kids and paying rent? It's close to a quarter of a million dollars to treat cancer. My hospitals do have charity care thankfully so we can work out a deal- it'll all take care of itself. I trust the Universe. It's scary right now though. It's like one of those dreams where you are driving down a hill like the kind in San Francisco and the brakes fail. eek. I trust I'll be ok. I hope my doctors can be patient with me. hah hah. get it? I am filing for social security disability since my right arm is shit right now and any sort of work I did before will not be ideal for the future. And it was all manual labor. and Desk work, but it was artwork and my wrist nerves suck at artwork right now. getting it better though. But it'll never be the same.
For my boss- it was just about money. I hate money.
I hate to think of the other employees of other businesses like this one out there- and there are many... Some even do it in their house with their kids sleeping upstairs. Ventilation is so key. Good grief the whole ignorance of the industry to these chemicals is astounding. or maybe my boss was one of the rare ones who didn't care. I hope not many else are like that.
It makes me sick to think of all those years I breathed all that in....how many other women are out there like me? Drycleaners? We used the same chemical they did.
One of the radiation techs...her aunt worked as a dry cleaner and died of breast cancer.
wtf?
I never got my clothes drycleaned. I never took birth control pills. I wasn't around ionic radiation. I didn't have vodka for breakfast. I ate organic food (no pesticides). I even smoked organic cigarettes. I even quit smoking when I got pregnant! I hula hooped, I danced a lot, breastfed my kids, I loved music and the outside....... I stayed so freaking healthy for what?
To go and be around the equivalent of smoking 8 packs of cigarettes every day at work.
But nope- that didn't give me cancer. No way.
Shit needs to change. SHIT NEEDS TO CHANGE!!
My pain makes me angry. This radiation is painful.
and I was supposed to work through this? My armpit feels like it's being scraped out with a flaming hot rusty jagged spoon. I move it a little, and the delicate skin rips and it starts to ooze. it's really gross.
The nurses and Dr. D the radiation oncologist said it looked nasty and gave me an Rx for Silvadene. I looked up the ingredients and it's got methyl paraben in it. An endocrine disruptor. LOL no thanks. Good thing I'm an amateur chemist these days. Polymers and covalent bonds are coming out my ears. I have done so much research of the chemically induced carboxyhemoglobin levels and hepatic activities, I could be an endocrinologist. I know my shit.My saffron seed is working well. But it still hurts. I feel like I got that costco rotisserie chicken again inside my armpit. Like a big armpit oven with flames like in those old burger king commercials.
Owie.
 |
| radiation burns |
My oncologist also told me that I would have chest pain of some kind of the rest of my life. Yay. If it comes and goes, it's normal. Any pain that stays and is constant for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week could be cancer coming back and that's when I need to call. It's a jarring reality. I had a very aggressive tumor.
Who cares, though- I won't be around that stupid building anymore. It was worth my job and insurance to be rid of that place.
So my cancer won't come back since I won't be around that garbage any more.... That's MY affirmation.
Almost done. It hurts. So glad to be unemployed. It feels good not having the pressure of needing to perform when you feel your shittiest. I was supposed to go back to work yesterday. No way I would have been able to go and lift shit, sit at a desk, push, pull, put pressure on---- I'm glad I am gone. I am going to enjoy this time with my kids, my husband who also works at home- and life. and Breathing and healing like I should be. It's my time now. I need to breathe through this next legal struggle of fighting for safe workplaces..... but for now we concentrate on the armpit. The ol' Shitshow has now become the Rotisserie. Scar tissue and broken nerves cooked fresh daily. At least I'm seasoned with saffron.
xo
love*
b
1 comment:
lots of love lots of hugs lots of peace lots of strength lots of all that you need, today and every day. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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