Tamoxifen came on with Hurricane Sandy like force. The next morning, the google "tamoxifen rage" brought up some great results. Virtua had never heard of anyone with this before- I told them to google it too so I wasn't crazy. Cause I sure felt like I was.
That was a Nuclear PMS to end all PMS's. And I have to deal with this for 5 years? Really?
I know now when the freak switch flips- so hopefully I can recognize it next time it happens.
I do not like me at ALL during that.
Our hormones are crazy things.
Once my radiation burns heal, I am changing my life in ways that require more kale, walking outside, and dancing. I don't own walking sneakers... I am ordering a pair today though. and That's that.
I did have a bright spot the next day when I was able to make up with my mom and she took the kids overnight as I accompanied Mark on a trip to the studio. Mark has been recording a new album that we have been talking about for years... We have musical friends over the years that we just consider family- and in turn they helped Mark out by contributing to his album with their musical parts. Keller Williams, Scott from Max Creek, and more folks who Mark has known over so many years of playing music... Colleagues if you will. Well, one particular guest - Mr Tom Constanten was lying down tracks that night fresh from a gig in DC and on his way back home. He is one of my most favorite paino players and just an all around great person.
TC was the "big music" expense for our wedding because we wanted it to be special. And it was. He played Mountains of the Moon as we walked down the aisle, and All you Need Is Love as we walked back out. During the cocktail hour, he wore 2 different socks. I noticed it and since then, it was one of my favorite wedding memories. I had the original keyboardist from the Grateful Dead at my wedding, and he wore 2 different socks.
It was such a great day. Mark decided to ask him to play on the album recently, because he was at our wedding and the song is inspired by Magnolia Road, that stretch of asphalt connecting Route 70 to 38 that I took for every chemo and doctor appointment. The beautiful road. All the big guns are on that song.
So this past Tuesday TC headed down to the shore here at a friend's home that is basically a giant studio. (Single guy- ultimate man cave). It was the first time seeing anything like live music since my top hat dancing at that farm in PA. JOY. Especially after Satan's Tamoxifen Hoedown the day before. We had beer, and laughed, and talked, a close friend was there as well as TC's friend Ken. TC told stories about LSD in the 60s in the apple juice backstage - resulting in Phil Lesh melting himself to the wall and the whole thing "resembling a Hieronymous Bosch painting". The stories were great. It was the root of all my musical life- that man's playing and his connection with Jerry Garcia.... so intense just being in that house for 4 hours really set the clocks right. It took a few hours to get the song played because TC basically just sat there and played that beautiful music till he got all warmed up and now it's up to Dan & Mark to mix it together to make a pretty awesome cupcake. And wouldn't you know it- he was wearing 2 different colored socks again. I looked down before I took a photo of hima nd Mark and told him that was one of my fondest memories from my wedding. I got all teary- snapped a quick photo and got out of their way. I am very lucky to have this life and I would never give it up for anything. It's a job in itself being married to a musician. I happily accept.
I tattooed the Grateful Dead's symbols on my body for a reason. They are part of me.
The next morning Mark and I just were beaming from ear to ear. - Permagrin.
It was so amazing to have come through one of the shittiest days of cancer with that night at the end of it.
Thanks, Universe.
My hair is large and in charge and starting to become unruly. I'm starting to resemble my dad's high school picture more and more. I just want it to get past that awkward length. The radiation burns are healing really awesomely too. There is one area that just started to burn and the feeling isn't pleasant- maybe it's my nerves regrowing. Nice and fast and nerve feelings are coming back to to some spots inside.
Overall I am feeling better, and different.
Next week I am going to spend 2 nights at the house for the women to go with cancer and recovering from cancer. It'll be a really nice recharge and I have a great vibe about the place. I hope it works.
I am blessed with some amazing friends, and family and music in my life- a life I wouldn't give up for anything.
I am now happy to be able to get back to what i was doing before I worked int he poison building as well. Like album cover art. and designing freelance, and keeping clear away from corporate logos.
Bliss is here. And I'm not budging.
Love*
b
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