*breathe*

I learned of the passing of a high school classmate last night. Her name was Mary Caprio. She graduated a year after I did- and because I went to a very small high school- everyone kinda knew every one else. She was one of those girls that did the plays, and sang and was just a good person. I recall her being shy, but once she opened up to you, she was a doll. I liked her a lot.
One of her classmates posted on facebook that she had a 2 year battle with cancer. I hadn't seen her since high school, so I never knew.
This morning, my message as to what kind of cancer she had was replied to.
Breast Cancer.
she was 35 years old.
This beast took another person who didn't deserve it. No body deserves it.
I wish I would have known or kept in touch with her- she lived local too.
*sigh* Rest in peace, sister.

This just made the recent bell ring even stronger, and the fuel to fight more flammable.

I was all charged up this morning to make a post because thoughts are constantly in my head- when they get too loud- they come out here to play.
I was reading a book yesterday that was an excellent perspective on cancer in people my age and younger-excellent book. The author has stage IV cancer. Really- it's an amazing book for anyone who has cancer- young or not. But breast cancer is different. The author didn't lose her hair, or breasts... she had endless health insurance and can afford to buy 400 dollar boots when she gets upset. She had her army of women around her who had cancer too - I can't relate to any of that.
She still has her breasts and looks great. I just had a hard time with the book yesterday because I just feel lost. Nancy- I love you and I don't know where I would be if I didn't have your comments and messages to read through this. You started first- and taught me so much that no doctor or nurse did. Thank you.
I have seen so many of people's true colors come shining through like a neon sign- as the author states.
It's good though- it shows me what people are really like and I don't need to be around them much anymore. The fake friends that disappear once you don't have anything to offer them anymore besides..oh- conversation? Yeah- that's not a big deal.
I chucked that book across the room a few times- The part where she tells the cancer ladies to go out and buy a sexy bra to get in touch with my inner goddess so I can feel ok with sex again made me want to throw up. Lady, I can't even wear a freakin bra right now, let alone anything sexy, or lacy or with underwire.
My "breasts" are still under construction. The cancer side one if fine- just needs a little lift - the other one resembles a fried egg on a flat rock. Nobody gets that visual until they actually see it. It's really noticeable in a bathing suit. It was the side with the hematoma. The swelling really never evened out.
Good grief.
Sexy bras. Really?
I'm shown a few friends and my mother in law and sister in law my 'breasts'. The reactions on their faces is all the same. They don't want to look horrified- but the shock is still very visible. The reassurance then comes out that "they look good and when will they be done making them?"

soon. It's a weird feeling having fleshy lumps stuck to your chest- completely numb- it's like someone sewed a tight bra onto me sometimes. But they are nice and Dr. Patel really did a good job of starting them off really good. I am fortunate.

Today is Monday which means back to making phone calls to everyone for one reason or another.
That's my new job.

Maybe I should write a book as someone young who can't ever breastfeed or have a child again, who has no money, and has no health insurance. I can give great advice on begging strangers wearing ties and suits for help. It's humiliating. The big splurge is a basket full of kale and carrots and beets and maybe some carob squares.
Mind you- I am not bitter. I might sound like it- but there really is no voice out there for younger breast cancer ladies. I love you fabulous cancer survivor author, but you just don't get it on this end. Sorry babe.

The painting and the right arm are getting better because I told them to get better.
There.

the power of suggestion is amazing.

xo
b