radiation days 23 & 24

Allllllllllllmost there.

whoa.
And today hit me like a tons of bricks emotion wise and energy.

I seriously need a vacation. or just to leave for a while.
I can't say if it's the general cancer, the stress of treatment, the unsupportiveness of family, the treatment itself or just the stars. I am kaput.
Between fights with my mom, this lawsuit's work, the work to scramble to make some cash for the last minute leap of faith I took, just everything- it hit me.

I could tell it all building up when I started to argue with my mom and dumb shit made me so angry I just snapped. I also have not slept or eaten regularly for weeks. So that could be it- or the hormones, or the fact that i just need to buck up and not react to my mothers hurt.
It is so hard- and I doubt she even knows what she is saying- but oof. We just don't get along. I'm mean, she's mean- both of us are just mean to each other- and I hate that.

I can feel stress physically inside me. It bubbles and rises in my ears. I can hear my heartbeat.
While "eliminating stress" can be easy for some- it ain't so easy with 2 children and a mom who just doesn't care. Eliminating stress means going away from cancer. getting fuck out of the house for a change. for a week. I have to be a mom, wife, daughter, cancer survivor, radiated patient, uninsured and unemployed. it's hard sometimes. It's tough as shit fighting for everything the whole way up. It's also something I try not to complain about- but fuck it's hard sometimes.
*ergh*
I have to watch my reactions and not flip out anymore. It should be easy since my mom and I probably won't be speaking for a while.
as for work-
The fact that I got pissed on because I called OSHA actually makes me feel good. It's actually doing that Eat Pray Love thing- only I am not Julia Roberts and I called out my boss instead of calling out myself. Unless I just did above. Anyway--- I am going to do what i need to do for my family- and kick ass at it.

making stuff and pushing through a horribly wrecked arm is what I have to do. I am not satisfied with it's limitations but I do have to respect them. But it ain't gonna define me.
So that's what I have to do. Slowly. but surely.

No news yet on OSHA, or a call back from the lawyer.

Oncologist says he couldn't pinpoint the cancer to a certain toxin, but said toxins could cause cancer- so it's a wash- I didn't expect him to go "Oh you are so right" - but he was open to listening and took all the info on the chemicals with OSHA rules. And apparently studies don't count because they cause cancer. In rats. Not people.
ugh.
But plenty of people in the printing industry get major incidences of cancer from solvents. used without protection or ventilation - with giant cancer labels on it- but no--- that didn't cause your cancer...
I question some peoples' ability to question. Not asking why is dangerous I think.
Doesn't matter. I'm still going to push this issue.

b