radiation - day 22

--- Just another Monday.
Another week of radiation- the last of the 5 days in a row radiations. After next tuesday- no more treatments.
No more.
I'm not used to this "no treatments". What is this magical realm?

It's a realm where you are out and about- living the dream as someone who beat the beast.
Granted I probably still have 2 more surgeries at least to fix these weird looking mounds of flesh on my chest, but as far as treating it all- it'll  be...done finally.

And I can recover unemployed with a little tiny cushion of comfort to relax and recover a little bit. I needed it. I needed so bad to get back to my bliss. Money is such a heavy chain.
When you are providing for 2 kids- it gets heavier.
Feeling like shit that you can't just up and Eat Pray Love like that lady did and go ride bikes in India and all over up in the ashrams.What kind of freaky artist am I? No more.
I took a major risk standing up- and I was scared. I was more scared of that than hauling my butt into a chemo chair.
I held that fear inside me that wouldn't allow myself to be happy for the sake of someone else. Really.
As much as I told myself I loved that job, I did. I really did- but I longed very much for that old freedom back to vend festivals and just pick up and go whenever we wanted. even with a child.
Well I sure got my wish, didn't I?
I blogged up and down in the past about not being afraid- being afraid.... when I was lying to myself. I knew it too. It killed me to admit that what I was working with was horrible for me and I wasn't going to take it anymore. Bye bye nice paycheck. Bye bye paid benefits. The worth they are being gone right now is worth more than any money or all the treasures of the world combined.
I conquered natural childbirth twice, had my netheregions cut and sewn back and torn. I conquered cancer, giving my breasts and armpit contents to science and in the name of saving my life. I stood up to a puppetmaster and cut those fucking strings. Well he actually cut them for me, but I cut them with a letter to OSHA. (Who by the way is still inspecting).
Nothing can hurt me anymore. I got a family stronger than steel- and that's ALL I need.
That's all anyone needs. The Beatles were fucking RIGHT!

Sucks it had to happen this way- but I feel so strong inside for what i stood for. And money is not a heavy chain. It's just freaking paper.
My boss delightfully sent me the continuation of coverage form- so I could kiss his ass and keep my health insurance because he knows I need it. ugh.
Lost my dental though. I can't squeeze all that work in either since you can't see the dentist during radiation. shit.
But who cares. My missing tooth will stay missing for now.
what's teeth and money anyway, right? lol


This sense of peace is over me now I haven't felt in a long time. The stress of not having to worry about my health going into a toxic building anymore.... the prospect of living out my life on my own terms- for my kids like it should be.
Granted, my physical abilities won't allow me to do most of the things I would love- but I can work at things to get them better. and stronger.
My head is sure screwed on straight.
Chemo side effects are still in full force- Neuropathy. Bone pain. ugh. Nausea too.
The radiation burns are there- but doing great because of the saffron seed I was sent. Good stuff! The techs really like the way my skin looks. I've been using it since Friday - although the skin is a little raw- it's alleviating a lot of the burn. and itching.

Still chugging along.... la la la....