Why yes, Mr. Mephistopheles, please pour me another!
I am going to rename Neulasta "Satan's Cocktail".
I know it's part of the healing and medicine but this shit is brutal. My body is not used to any of these hard hitters, and letting me know it quite well.
All day yesterday - in bed. Moving around and getting up was pretty limited.... I just had nothing in me to move or function.
Neulasta pretty much amps up your bone marrow to kick up the white blood cell count in your body so your white blood cell counts don't go down and they can give you the next dose of chemo sooner in 2 weeks rather than waiting 3 the usual weeks.
6PM arrives and the headache started. and got worse. I managed to fall asleep with the help of the miracle pillow, though. The miracle pillow is a flax seed + lavender filled pillow I made. 2 and a half minutes in a microwave and laid over the eyes it takes any kind of nasty headache away. I made them for my dad when he was getting bad head and bone pain during his treatments- and I made them one year for Xmas for my siblings. It works. The miracle pillow is truly that. Sick, hangover, flu, whatever you got- most likely the pillow will help it.
I would love to blame the headache on the horrible portrayal of the Elizabeth Smart story Lifetime Movie I got sucked into. Terrible.
Mark came home about midnight and I had just felt like I had woken up after a 40 day bender of every awful well drink and crappy under the bar alcohol that the devil had made me drink. Nothing was taking this headache away- then I started throwing up, and feeling totally ill. Bone pain up and down.....
I kindly asked Mark to get out of bed to help me because I just was out of my body. I didn't feel like Brianne at all, I felt like I was just a spirit carrying this sick tattooed body up and down the hallway and into the shower until it felt better.
I looked in the mirror and saw the bald and pale face of something who is getting beat up. I saw the same eyes on my face that my father had for a split second. That wasn't me.
I'm the fight, and my body is just going through the motions.
Worst night so far.
Fear & Loathing Oncology style....
I finally shook it off somewhat around 10am- But it's still lingering like The Situation's fame.
Rehydrating, watermelon, a few minutes outside.... good for the most part,
Now it's like a hovering. My real spirit, the one that fights and makes art and is a mom and is ME is right there. Fighting for the simple vehicle that houses it. But not inside. Because if I connect my spirit with my body without separating the psychic from the medical, I'm not going to be anything but sick.
It is a test. And while I am not looking forward to the next 2 times this happens, I will embrace it because that's what you need to do.
ITS WHAT I NEED TO DO.
I will not give up.
Be GRATEFUL for everything.
5 comments:
and there ain't nuthin worse than a bad bartender! :-p sorry it's hitting you so hard.
but you're doing it! it's not fun but you're doing it. every minute, every day. you will get through this, you will have better days both in the short and the long terms, and you will win. <3
Hang in there Brianne! Can't believe how strong you must be to get through this! Mom sounded like she was doing well with the girls today on the phone, poopy diapers & all! I wish I lived close enough to take them for a while. They are as strong as you are, and mom, well, there's definitely no one else on this earth like her. Thinking of you and Mark especially. Lots of love!
and don't forget that it's OKAY to cry, it's OKAY to rant and rave, it's OKAY to be sad, it's OKAY to be afraid, it's OKAY to complain, it's OKAY to feel whatEVER it is that you're feeling. give yourself permission to.... for all of it. <3 lots of love today too!!!!
neulasta sucks bigtime. they CAN lower the dose if need be. they did it for me.
I'm glad you know the body's just a spirit holder, and can allow one to thrive independent of the other.
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