same as it ever was.

Just hangin' tough.
Getting better every day.
I have to keep reminding myself that I am on the mend. This usual ADD of myself I have is ITCHING to do things. To get up and drive. To do the YMCA.

ack. I told Mark this is the perfect time to go on a Caribbean vacation since I am actually relaxing for a change because I have no choice.
Stay medicated and stay active.
I am getting up and going outside for a little bit- I can't do shopping unless I have one of those motorized carts. To which I need to bring bleach wipes (because I'm Italian neurotic). I haven't done it yet- It was raining nasty yesterday so I stayed in the car while Mark ran into Lowe's and Costco for some groceries and necessities for the new clean house I am going back to. I feel like I just need to be able to sleep a bit better- It's a slow road, but I am still very much in the recliner - sitting up causes pain on my back, My numb armpits  need to be elevated.
When the pain gets real bad, it feels like belts made of broken glass around your lower stomach and across your chest under your armpits.
I am feeling the repercussions of nerve damage from things done to my chest insides while I was asleep and it's kinda scary.
I picture myself as like an ice cream counter all splayed out on the operating table.Scooping out here, stuffing in there. Eek.
I can only wonder what it must have looked like, Jesus.
It hurts.
My kingdom for the ability to walk upright.
My mom tells me I should have a magnifying glass as I hunch over all around her house.
And I'm still at her house.
It was awesome to see 2 sisters and a brother, and a nephew, and 4 nieces. and 2 brothers-in-law.
and a Grandma.
All came over and stayed for a few days during Thanksgiving. I know how the Thanksgiving turkey feels all cut up surrounded by family. That was pretty much me in the recliner in the living room.
Nothing felt so nice as to be surrounded by family at that moment- giving thanks for what else- LIFE. a second chance.
My sister and brother weren't able to come up - but I should see them soon anyway.
Today is actually my little sister's birthday- 29. I remember being 7 when she was born, and holding her in the hospital. My little baby sister.
Time goes by so fast.

I have lots of it these days, most of it is spent under the influence. or in discomfort. But the other option is worse- and I am grateful for the trip I am taking right now.
every minute.
I have lots of time to think about how life is going to be as it transforms into a new normal.
What I am going to do with my time besides healing- Will I be able to tie dye again? Paint? Batik?
I hope I find a good physical therapist who can get my arm back to normal.

not having my right arm working is very frustrating.
Getting better every day though. slowly.
I have anxiety over not being able to function as part of my family. I sit there while other people rock my baby daughter to sleep, or give her a bath..... I am grateful so much for the help- but the inability to be physical with my kids really hurts.
I can't hug :(

I am watching lots of daytime TV. to which I have to say that The Talk is the worst show currently on. That I love Ellen Degeneres, Fox News is poison, and I love CBS news. and the DIY network.

Slowly getting better.

I am also down to about 2 pain pills a day- which those are usually at night for sleep.
The mary jane cookies are taking care of any mood swings, I do not have menopause symptoms or chemo side effects when I take them, and my pain level is much lower.

I am still in a lot of pain and far from normal, but slowly getting better..................slowly getting better.
and the joy of having eyelashes again is divine. <3

I get to visit my Korean eyebrow lady again soon :)

xo

b

Star Wars Cantina Makeover

That butt pillow advertised on TV? Forever comfy. I desire forever comfy -If I order it- I wonder if it really works.

Hard to believe 12 days has flown by since surgery- I am still very well on the mend- but farrrrr away from an inkling of independence.
Good news though- I got my drains removed yesterday- which is the weirdest thing I think out of anything thus far that I have experienced.
I had tubes implanted - 2 under each arm and 2 in my pelvic region to drain the fluid post surgery. It was gross- I had to milk and empty those drains every day. UGH.
My poor mother the paramedic was even grossed out by that.
a few times- I yanked the tubes accidentally- causing some serious pain--- they stitch the tubes to your body.
The whole time I was feeling them and was pretty sure they went in about 3-4 inches past the incisions.

Yesterday's removal proved me wrong.
try a FOOT of tubing.
Yo.
a FOOT.
All this time- I had 6 bulbs that collected the fluid - hanging off me- a real challenge since I had to wear them in a bag around my neck 24-7. The tubes would rub against my belly incision - during sweats- it was just gross.
So they pulled out the tubes yesterday- all went fine until the last pelvic tube was pulled out and holy lord- HOLY LORD- it was pain. It felt like it had been stitched to my stomach from the inside and they just yanked it out. I still feel it now- in my HIP.
Dr. Patel's PA said scar tissue was probably forming around it - he just pulled that sucker out. I watched Mark's eyes as they did that- and i YELLED. I yelled so loud the doctor came running into the exam room asking if everything was ok. Oh boy that hurt. It was funny though. I apologized up and down.
whoa wow wow.
Glad I do not need those things ever again.
They also took out the stitches that attached my new belly button. He was pulling out the stitches with scissors and I just wanted to be like " A seam ripper would make your life so much easier" - lol. I'm in the business of stitches. Seam rippers are a requirement.
But this guy did a good job- the rest of my stitches dissolve.

Both my breasts are healing well- one side was abnormally larger and quite black and blue compared to the other one- PA said it was a hematoma that developed during surgery and it won't go away for a few months. Yay.
And thank lord again that I do NOT have to wear those compression bras they give you in the hospital- I was given the green light to wear my nursing bras from Melody- Oh happy day.
They aren't sexy- but they have somewhat semblance of being a woman with cleavage much more than the giant velcro road block I was wearing before. wheew.
So I think Breast Cancer surgery should be renamed  to Star Wars Cantina Makeover.

Between the drains, weirdo nipple-less stitched up breasts, reattached belly button, and everything chemo did to my appearance- there is no name for it other than Star Wars Cantina Makeover.
I guarantee next to that Cantina is a salon- where all those creatures look like me right now.
I am still at my mom's healing-
It is going to be a very long process. Very long.
My mom loves her Fox News Channel.
I'm growing accustomed to the Fox News. a little bit. What a bad thing for America, that channel. Kool Aid Cult. I actually sympathize with the responsible and well thought Republicans that have that channel as their official mouthpiece. I'd turn Independent. UGH. ( I am currently independent. fair and balanced my ass- News Corp should be brought up on charges of how much they lie. not news)
So it's caused a lot of heated arguments- but I am making my points, proving what that stupid channel says is wrong or propaganda.... Like I said before- I love my politics.. I hate spin.
They do have a few people who actually have a brain that thinks, rather than regurgitating information- but they are few.

I am bonding more with my mom than I have ever done in the past- and it's nice. My family has been camped out here too - Azalea wants to sleep next to me every night. I am still in the recliner in the living room.
I miss lying flat or on my side- I cannot do that at all.
My back is suffering.

I am just so glad I don't have to haul those drains around anymore. I felt like a Macy's Thanksgiving day Parade float for almost 2 weeks.

I am healing well- but very slowly- this surgery is intense.
I met with Phyllis and Dr. Cairoli for a bit on Monday- I am to go forward with the radiation (no surprise) starting December 11th, and Phyllis told me I was ok enough with my hair to use a color rinse if I wanted to . She said she didn't like to see me with grey hair.
My hair has been growing in like the Italian champ it is. and EYEBROWS AND EYELASHES! they are starting to come back like Pumpkin Flavored Everything.
YAY!!!!
My hair is a fluffy pile of white and grey and light brown and blonde- with darker roots coming in now- it feels like cat fur.
Not quite Tony Danza, but a shorter Jamie Lee Curtis.

Color rinse, please.
Teal or dark blue or purple would be great.

I am going to wait till it gets a little longer and I get my eyebrows back at least.
Almost there!

Appearance aside, I am still very much in pain and a slave to the pill. blah. When I get better enough to go shopping and start flushing this crap OUT.

I also have to be on Tamoxifen for 5 years- Tamoxifen is kind of like Chemo Jr. --- if any breast cancer cells show up again- Tamoxifen shuts down the receptors on those cells to not feed off the estrogen and progesterone that the old cells were growing from.
Good times.
As someone who has had barely anything but an antibiotic prior to this, it's a defeating blow to someone who took such good care of herself generally the whole time. I have to take them though- I have a husband and small children to be around for.
I need to get old.
I don't want to die from this.

What a hurricane.

I know how the United States feels- my armpit has been ripped out and shredded too.
I resemble the shore myself- scarred up and rebuilding. The irony is weird.
not to mention that hurricane forms a number nine in its spiraling. wtf?
I told you- I have apocalyptic boobs.

Mark took me around the shore to get out of the house and besides being upset that there is NO place to sit and watch the sea anymore, there is still so much destruction and garbage everywhere. I start crying every time I see it. My poor state. My poor shore.
My mother was very lucky in being 1 of 4 houses that didn't get flooded in her area- as she was surrounded with about 50 houses that did (she lives across the street from the creek that overflowed 11 feet) --- All I have to do is look outside and see the pile of trash in front of the neighbors' houses and it all comes back.
We are still so raw, still an open wound.
I know how you feel, shore.
I'm healing right with you.
I'm limited in my being able to help- and it is a shitty feeling.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow---- My grandma turns a hearty 85, and my sister Britt is coming up again from NC as is Jon from Brooklyn. They finally got the trains running so I get to see my baby brother who was so close, yet so far away this whole time.
So happy to be around my family.
I love them so much, it makes me cry. I am blessed and lucky to have siblings like the ones I have.
awesome. and we're all fun crazy.

Lately- I have been on the receiving end of some of the most amazing support and love I have ever seen- tears emerge from even the thought--- Thank you everyone for the love, the cards, the help, the little baskets of goodies and groceries, the food, the semi-hugs, the visits to decorate my walker, - just everything. Even the little hearts on facebook and message boards- everything.
My heart swells so much.
and I am so grateful. and every bit has been such a help. seriously.
Sandy took a lot of work away from Mark too - so it has disabled a lot across the board- but we still have our home. Thank the lord.

I will be blogging this forever, I see- there is no end in sight at this point since this will be a lifelong battle. Lets' shoot for the next 50 years of love light fight.
People have been telling me to make this into a book.
any agents out there? lol--- email me!
..................

So much love and gratitude to all of you- keep shining~*
xo
-b

like i said- GFY

cancer. free.

I HAD cancer.
I fucking beat you!!!!!

Pathology results came back last night and I was officially given the all clear by the fabulous Dr. Miller last night.

It was a blessed minute in the midst of a horrible confusion. Nobody said what anesthesia and drugs to do you. Probably I'm taking it worse since I was never a Rx person- It was the grand hurrah of the end of 6 months of SHIT my body is going through.
Since surgery- besides being in horrible pain 24-7- my nights are filled with pyschosis. Like bad psychosis.
Waking up and freezing, even though I was in room temp. even with 5 blankets on me, I am still cold. Then I start the sweating.
Then my head goes into "caged animal who can't do shit" mode and I go nuts- I see things, I have nightmares, I'm trapped inside a container.
Last night's adventure involved horses with clam faces eating my stomach innards, Etan Patz sitting in front of me, and a crazy woman who was also in the room with me saying all sorts of nasty things and that I was worthless piece of shit and didn't deserve to live over and over. I couldn't make it go away.

I flipped out yesterday on my family - I don't remember most of it, but I remember screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling and carrying on and crying.

I was sleeping in my dad's chair last night, the same chair he had to get when he had cancer- he spent a few nights in here, he loved this chair. It was a bittersweet morning of opening my eyes and smiling that I had done something he couldn't. And I did it for him.

Pretty much I can't do anything. My right arm is like a T Rex arm with weird numbness and - pain- as you can see from my drawing skills have quite diminished.  Thomas Kinkade is dead--- I would have some serious competition there for a second.
I cannot walk upright and my wounds go from my gut to my breasts, and into my armpits -the side that HAD cancer in it, my underarms feel weird inside- I can feel muscle tendons stretching and pulling--it is crazy weird.
My energy is hardly anything. Let's juts say I have a pretty good functioning set of legs and face. lol.

Ugh. and not being able to leave my home (or my mom's in this case) is frustrating.

and I'm loaded on Percoset.
I HATE DRUGS. They can save your life, and destroy it at the same time- I just hate them and wish I didn't have to take them- and anyone who finds this painkiller shit fun- I wonder why.
They suck.
I was never a fan of pills.
I cannot wait to stop these and cleanse my system.
My kids are suffering too - Melody is sick, getting molars and dealing with the fact her mom can't hold her. Not holding my kids has been the worst part of all of this. I can't even have them in my lap because of all the drains and stitches. ugh.
and they want to represent all of this with a pretty pink ribbon? FUCK THAT.
I hurt for the women doing this who can't escape the cancer. who can't ever say "I beat it". Let's find what causes this once and for all and get the pharm companies to lie down for a change. They created this whole pink ribbon bs in the first place.... the whole thing is disgusting, horrible and gross. Far from pink.
and through it all, I'll let y'all know that I rocked the weed. Medical Marijuana helped me work through chemo, sleep through bone pain, not be a zombie for my kids like Vicodins did, and created some sort of normalcy. and people like me and worse are forced to take the legal medication and go through shady channels to get the better medications. I did it with pot. (I finally told my mom so I can say it here too.)
Legalize that shit already. jesus christ.

But I still have the joyous news. I HAD CANCER.

And when Miller finally opened me up and took out the Armpit Shitshow- he had no idea just how many total lymph nodes were there- everyone has their own special number. It's just a chunk of fatty tissue that they take apart in the lab.

How many lymph nodes did Brianne have total in the Armpit Shitshow?

9.

and 1 had cancer left in it.




go fuck yourself cancer.
DONT EVER MESS WITH JERSEY AGAIN.


xo
- the torso.

& what a zany torso it is!!!!

Hiiii alllll.

4 days post surgery----- and all I gotta say is Wow. If I thought chemo was crazy- this is probably crazier.

I went into the hospital for a quick radioactive injection the night before----  and we just all had a great dinner out at the Vincetown Diner (best NJ diner EVER) and a nice family night in after making it back to a nice Hampton Inn suite with my husband and children for the night. My husband and I just held each other until we went to sleep. The previous trip of the day finally put me at ease and ready to do this.

I figured I wouldn't even be awake for the scariest part if it- so why would it matter anyway?

Friday morning::

I woke up refreshed and had about 45 minutes to get the family up and out- my mom would be meeting us there at 6:30. We made it to Virtua at 5:45/ AM. Opened the bar we did.
A whole bunch of pre-prep- meeting the anesthesiologist-It felt like being prepped for a press conference or some shit like that. crazy. questions I have answered 100 times. All that worrying about the last bits of glitter toenail polish I couldn't get off and they stripped me naked and then put 2 big pairs of socks on me. wtf?
My husband watched as Dr Patel came in, said hello and drew all over my torso with a marker and Mark said he would punch him if he was any other guy. He asked if I had any questions and I just said "make them as large as you can. please.... I ate ice cream all summer for this!!!!!!"
and ya know what?
He LAUGHED.
I got my wish.
Dr. Miller laughed too. and then told me he had a patient once who complained about them being too big once.
It was a fun uncomfortable jovial moment of being the only female in a crowd of about 4 men who were about to see me naked and unconscious on a table and my husband.
My plans set- we went in. The last thing I remember is George Lucas Anesthesiologist commenting on the dancing bear tattoos. A kind of secret code for us deadheads to identify each other in times of seriousness I guess.
Alien probe lights- the operation room was massive. and with a LOT of people. and hemostats.
I started to get nervous and cry- they told me to stop and I don't remember much after the oxygen mask went on my face.
I barely recall dreaming- I do remember one last thought of needing to shut a dresser drawer because surgery was over.
I hope I get more details of that.
OUT...
after-I was wheeled into a gian troom with the other alien probe victims and I got to see my mom, husband and 2 kids who had waited patienly for 8 hours for me.
Good family I have,. I just love them.
so much.

I spent the frist 24 hours in the ICU- discovering all the new things that were done to me by doctors and techs. I had a catheter (ew. glad I was out for that one). I had been sliced from hip to hip. They pulled my skin down to about hip level- using the leftover skin to sew on flat blank nipples to replace the ones they removed. I got a new bellybutton sewed on too. And drains.
I woke up to a slightly larger set of crazy horror movie looking breasts- peeking out of a seriously gauze packed compression bra. They cut holes int he nipple parts so the un-nipples could peek out for testing.
The offical surgery is officially a DIEP Flap surgery. Google it to see what they did to me. Good times.
Basically what they did was take every bit of fat out of my belly- then sew it down as tight as possible, reattached a belly button. In the breasts- they cut a hole and dug out my old breasts, and made new breasts using the fat-with Dr. Patel actually creating a new vein and new artery for each one. Blood supply needs to be had for living tissue to do that.(The man proved himself to be quite the tailor) Nice stitch work.
And drains.
I have tubing coming out of 6 parts of my body- 2 down below the abdomen stitching and 2 under each armpit. They are attached to squeeze bulbs that collect drained lymphatic fluid and blood.
Naked, I look like some creature that walks into the bar in Star Wars. For real.
here's a weird hand drawn diagram....strange and badly drawn for educational purposes only.(foot has been shown unedited for lack of eraser only)
All the cut up and sewn areas.... IT MAKES A HAPPY FACE! :0)
isn't it twisted? (bruises and nicks will be left to the imagination- dotted lines indicate where the deep stitches are)

I was kept in the ICU to monitor the arteries' blood flow (with a Doppler every hour) and then moved to the regular floor for 2 more days.
I was harrased by phsycial therapy (I walked a whole bunch. It is very difficult at first- but it is necessary to hunch over because standing up tall with rip out abdomen stitches), experienced some of the best nursing and nurses I have ever had, and was prepared to go home with a new body and patiently await pathology results.
Even though I did not put any religion on my paperwork- a rabbi came into my room and we interdenominationally prayed. in Hebrew.
It was great.
Dr Miller came to see me and pretty much let me go Monday- we both kinda didn't want me to be there any much longer as the hospital floor was very crammed and small and not kept very clean by maintenance.Plus he told me I looked awesome and was recovering a lot faster than most- and to enjoy home instead of a sweaty nasty hospital room. I was thankful to have a private room up until the last day I was there.
Privacy in this kind of state is essential.
What i was mega grateful for though was that I was next to the window and YOU COULD OPEN THE WINDOW. Hospitals do not usually have this. Happy DAY. with a strange 3 nights of mild weather- sleeping next to that open window was a gift. I probably flashed my sewed up torso tons to Madison Ave of Mount Holly a lot too. I don't care. No one would throw beads at this cut up flesh container at Mardi Gras.

I have no feeling at all in my chest or left armpit area. Eternal novocaine numbing. all gone.
I have to walk with a walker until I feel better and I'm being fed painkillers constantly. It sucks. I won't lie- but I'm glad I didn't have all of my hair during this. and I'm glad I did the chemo first.

now we wait for pathology.

Dr Miller should call me with results any day now.
I am currently recovering at my moms, who is making sure I have hot meals, clean sheets and clean surroundings. The care is great. My mom has been the best.  Someone give her vacation please when we get past this.
I am far from any type of partying or having friends over for wine or anything remotely resembling that. I just had a surgical hurricane hit my body. Done, there is no ladies night for this at all. You have no idea, friend who made light of this and thinks next week I'll be down to "hang". NO.
Overall- this is the next to last step for my immediate journey- but the reality is I will be fighting this for the REST OF MY LIFE. It will never go away and threat of its return WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.

....
as of this typing- I am very exhausted- starting to hurt and needing bed- but I just wanted to update y'all on what's the haps so far , how it's going and all that.
My husband needs sainthood after this in case anyone reading this is in the canonization business.....



More later...... I am tired and NEED BED. Torso needs a new day to heal.

life goes on tomorrow~

much love*
b

Fight Test

Ok- Maybe I lied.
That wasn't my last blog post before surgery.
This one is.
I had so much today but didn't want to make you sit there and read endlessly about the jersey shore, hurricanes and cancer. I'm sure we have all had enough of it.
I don't think I have ever wanted a cigarette so badly right now.
So we have 5 inches of snow today. Just waiting for locusts, the plague,,,,,anything else?

Tomorrow- we leave for Mount Holly. We have a hotel room for 3 days to make base camp while the matriarch redefines breasts and gets this shit out of me once and for all.

Tomorrow- they detect sentinel lymph nodes.... Friday- all gone. everything. from the chest wall on out.
not to mention my spare tire- which I will never miss.

the song above is one that I have always loved- in fact probably once of the best albums ever produced.

The lyrics say it all. and now it has new meaning.
I'm gonna kick the Sunday outta cancer.


99 posts.

It's just hitting hard right now. an uncut flesh with a mind resistant to any conventional fixins.
I put my life into their hands. Literally.

here we go.
24 hours till the cancer shows its faces and gets the hell OUT.


I am anxious. Nervous.
Scared. Excited. Freaking Out. Freaking IN......


Azalea had a good question- if I get my armpits cleaned out of stuff- will I still have to wear deodorant?.
Kid's got a point.

what do I do with the last day of having breasts?
That is SO weird to say. all of this is SO weird.
I laugh to myself when I give myself the visual of finally coming out of surgery and looking down and I have these massive boobs. lol. I doubt it, but you never know how much fat is in your stomach. Doc says they might be bigger.
The 1 shot at a free boob job thanks to President Clinton and the 105th congress - he better make them bigger. And to the jackasses who voted no on that bill- shame on you.
And as well with my eternal 12 year old sense of humor and question (it keep you young)- I think of all those people who had out of body experiences during surgery.
While I don't really care to see myself being operated on, I think it would  be kinda cool to have my dad visit me, or be able to fly around the hospital.
As long as I come back=- I don't want the white light and tunnel yet.

So many thoughts going through my head- it's hard to file all of them.
And I worry about my Jersey Shore too.

Leaving work for the last time in 2012 was a little hard- we got slammed by Sandy- which shut down our work for a whole week- a week that I was supposed to train and help and get things stable so I could leave it- I kinda didn't have enough time- but I have faith in my boss and my embroidery lady. I also figured out how to work from home remotely on the work computer so hooray!


We leave the shore here for Mount Holly around 1. Blue injection happens at 3. go home to hotel and try to sleep. Nothing after midnight.
omg omg omg.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.


Nancy- if I didn't have you and your words through this whole ordeal, I would have been lost. Seriously. Thank you.




here we go kids.
.....................................

xo
b

What election?

like this song? It was filmed in Normandy Beach near our home here- the town is now gone. Purchasing this song helps local Sandy relief for residents. You can pay what you want. ...(Thank you!)


Hooray. I am back. I missed you guys.

I hope y'all have been hanging in there being patient with my typos and absence this whole- polease know that typing has become more and more difficult as I type every other word either backwards or wrong, courtesy of chemo brain.

Ok- so Sandy.
Sandy came and went and destroyed a lot of our home here on the shore- not our address home- but our home home. our state home. It was a crazy night than landed us cut off from even our neighbors and the rest of the world- a night that had a wind that sounded like the most angry roaring tiger. I saw the beach the night before landfall in Bay Head- and I have to say- it felt so angry- the presence of an angry sea is really scary. The ocean rose up in the little time I was standing on the steps over the dunes. - but the time I left- it was up to the 3rd stair.
I knew this was not good. I actually ran down the stairs. away ...away
Our power went out the next day around 7pm. we sat through the storm watching the trees in the dark wind just fall down around you- lit only by the 4th of july fireworks all the transformers made as they came down.
Horrible scary.
Little did we know that just over the bridge- in the very same spot where the above picture was taken was swallowed by the ocean.
It disconnected a piece of the map right up that same right from the state. As we awoke the next morning- ti was like the cliche Dorothy when she opens the door and it turns to color in the wizard of oz. Only in reverse. What we saw was horrible, and we realized how lucky we really were.
without power or internet - we were unable to really see what this storm did until the power came back on and it was terrible.
the roads are damaged all over the place here- SO many families displaced and homes destroyed.
It makes you cry just to see where you grew up look like ground zero on 9-11.
After driving up to Asbury and back and seeing it all- it just leaves you with such a sinking feeling. You will never know what happened here until you see it for yourself.
Then I realized it.
Cancer is a hurricane. Just like it.
I sympathized with all those affected because I was going through the same thing. A shitty act of nature that just decided to take everything or just something special from you. Turn your life upside down.....cause discomfort. anxiety. the feeling of being lost and without a viable home.
Homes, like people- are just containers.
That's all.
Destroyed homes, homes to be fixed, homes that made it out ok.
 Like cancer- sometimes it touches you lightly, other times it will kill you and take everything you have.
Sucks, eh? So I feel like now more can relate to how I feel... I hope this doesn't sound selfish- but it was like a whole round of chemo hit the earth. And I knew just exactly what it feels like.
I felt like if I couldn't do much and only the very least and best I could do about myself- at least I could try to help others. I baked cupcakes for the National Guard :) and doing my best to get the word out that we are still very much an open wound of a zip code (08742) and help and hot meals are still needed by those providing. I am grateful to have the capacity to help and our friends delivering goods from out of state for us have been GREAT  have to stop though because the surgery is Friday, I have 1 more day of work left and I need to conserve resources.
I am just still so wanting to help.
Help is everywhere though- you can get free food at any church- help, shelter, warmth, - people are even bringing in food trucks in the midst of the disaster and serving food on the streets for free. Out of their pockets. Everyone is helping everyone else. It's beautiful.
I am overwhelmed by the charity and sadness of it at the same time.
My brother and sister are also coming up with a van full of stuff for the relief efforts Friday and I couldn't be happier to see them.

This storm has been ironically- a diversion- from the impending surgery I am doing my best to breathe through.
weird. It kicked my ass into doing stuff for others so much it really made me forget I had cancer for at least 2 days.
I uploaded my pictures to facebook since I love taking storm and New Jersey photos.....
hopefully it will shed light on the destruction that the news seems to forget. There are still people without power. Friends and family have lost entire homes, businesses. it is huge.
But our boardwalks are so damaged and next summer looks like a bust for doing anything with the kids there. and that's sad. we just love it there.
And Mark & I's first home was in Ortley Beach on 2nd ave a block away from the ocean. Now it's gone. A war zone, literally.
*sigh*

Homes, like bodies....are just....containers.

So much, so much to deal with.

But we're New Jersey and just like fighting cancer, we'll rebuild. I'll rebuild too.
My thinking, my heart. My health and my drive.
So much to come home to after surgery. I wish I could help my home heal more...
Just so much to digest.

and election day. I forgot about that=- but I did vote. and we still have not celebrated Halloween yet.

Friday is the big day. the big double M.

I will try to blog through the drugs from the hospital if I can- but this probably is my last post as a whole container.
We have come a long way so far. I love you and thank you.
see you on the flipside......
xo
b

tempest behold.....

Greetings from the Jersey Shore. Currently, we are under a very serious watch for an upcoming storm system named Sandy that is apparently projected to do some damage. I live about 3 miles from the mighty Atlantic in Point Pleasant- it's literally a right turn and then a left turn to get to the ocean from my house. There is a crazy still feeling outside tonight- soooooo quiet- not a leaf rustling anywhere. It's strangely warm and there's a fuzz to the atmosphere. The big one is coming, I think. Our home was built in the 1960s and very much strong and secure for any kind of coastal storm at least. But they're predicting that this one will be historic. My thoughts and love and protection vibes to all you guys out here on the coast with us and everywhere in the path!!!
We have a few trees that I am a little worried about, hopefully they will rock out as they have all this time.
I like a good storm and the best is being able to go out to see the ocean before and after.
Still- nature is to be respected and we will take all the necessary precautions.

Thank you all for the kind words on yesterday's post~ I had that letter in the making for a while-  just had to get farther away from the diagnosis and do the treatments and get out of that hole first.

There's a contrast and similarity at the same time from then until now. I'm almost 100 posts here, 8K+ hits- You all have followed the drugs, the haircut, the bad days, my dark side, my groovy side and the part of me that I discovered through these writings.
And that part of me's growth is documented as the tumors end their lives. Granted, it spread it's ugly word all around me forever more- but every year I go without any bad news will be a year lived fully. The MO from here on out.
Don't wait.
Dye your hair blue if you want.
Hug your kids every single freaking minute you can.
Hug your husband every single morning and night.
Tell your mom how awesome she is.
Give thanks for their love and make it a point to see all 5 siblings at least once a year.
Go west.
Pay no mind to that ghost that will forever haunt a house.
Finally FINALLY learn how to play that theremin.


Yup.

It's the core of what I have to be from November 10th on- a shift in the soul's tectonic plates. The innocent piece of solid island Pangea has fragmented.
Make the best of it.

There isn't anything that is keeping me from doing this- this is just affirmation.
I spent some time in some of the deepest chemical and mental trenches of my life ever ever. Places I don't ever want to see again.
Wherever this has led me to this point in life RIGHT NOW- it has spurned such a fire of fight in me for the truth- I hear of cannabis oils that eradicate some tumors. I hurt for the people who have to deal with this with no income to pay for living, or medical expenses- or lack the support of childcare, or a family to help them. I get pissed at profiteers from a disease. I want to see the cause of this found. And I want to see a revolution of uprising that will help get rid of this epidemic once and for all. I want to help all the people who can't do this on their own.
Oh golly I am furious, in a revolutionary way. I want to do so much, but I need to focus on healing right now first.
but still--- a revolution is needed. a hurricane of good.
......I am inspired.

love.

xo


b

an open letter to cancer. GFY

Dear cancer,

You are an asshole.
I met you for the first time when you decided to visit my mom in 1995 as Hodgkin's Disease. I was an angry 18 year old, pissed off at the world, and not too fond of my family situation at that point. I was pissed at you, but I never really got to see you firsthand because I wasn't around for my mom when she was sick. I admit it. I was a shitty daughter when the other 5 of us supported her. I was just confused and not in a place where I should have been. I didn't get to fully acknowledge the bullshit she went through.
You left for a while. 7 years go by.
Then you visited my dad...Multiple Myeloma of 2002.
At that point- I was a new mom, so you never let my daughter ever see her grandpa when you weren't in his life.
Azalea never got to go for a walk with her grandpa because he couldn't. She grew up with you taking up residency in her Grandpa's bones.
You sneered at all of us and my whole family how you were going to steal my dad and were never going to ever give him back. I fucking hate you for that.
You also took my husband's father quickly in 2004. In 3 months he went from a happy jovial man who loved his dogs, the cinema, and life, to a shell of a human curled up in a hospital bed, medicated heavily and going in and out of consciousness and day before he shuffled off this mortal coil.
But my dad fought you every day for 8 years.
 In 2009, I found myself pregnant and my first thought was "My dad isn't going to meet this kid, is he?"
You stole 2 grandfathers from another child who will never know them.
I watched firsthand how you covered my dad in tumors in his last days and took his life before my eyes, watching my dad's eyes roll towards the heavens as he succumbed to 8 years with you and left this plane and his children, his wife and his grandchildren. He didn't want to leave. He fought to stay. Because of you, he was scared. And nothing ever scared my dad.

You probably had started to shack up in my breast at this pointwhen he left- silently plotting and hanging new curtains as you decorated your new home with your evil and taking my lymph nodes as lawn ornaments.
You announced your arrival loud and clear when I felt you in the shower as you were out and watering your front lawn.
I faced you. I still face you. I looked you in the eye and gave you the finger the minute I heard you had moved in. I won't ever EVER let you get me like you got my dad or my father-in-law, I got news for you.
 All these doctors and I are going to KILL YOU once and for all. How's that sound?
You, like any other bullshit that has walked into my life, have made me see strength, resolve, the kindness of others, what amazing friends and family I have. I am grateful for the experience- but i am done with you and you need to leave. And if you don't, prepare to die. I embraced you for a while, as I should any life experience- but I'm done now. YOU are done.
You fucked with too many people I love.You killed my father, you messed with my mom- you took my husband's dad, you stole my friend Andrea- you messed with to many of my friends and family, bro.
If you were a person, I would have killed you 100 times already. The worst kind of death I could imagine at the fate of my own hands is what i would do to you.
What makes you come around?
What did we do to call you?
Whatever it was, I hope someone figures out the bat signal that makes you show up, so they can put out the light. unplug that mofo and dump it in the ocean. or grind you up into a million little pieces so noone can put you back together ever again.
and you are taking my breasts with you. One I don't even have to give up but I am anyway so you won't have another home to come back to if you do.
You are such an asshole.
You even screw with little kids.
You are pretty much in line with Jerry Sandusky. only bigger. and way more of a jerk.

You are loved by my nemesis the pharmaceutical companies, and kept alive by those not wanting real cures and actual remedies to be made public and legal.
This relationship you and I have had- as dysfunctional and codependent as it is, is over. This is your 2 week notice to leave and never come back, and don't even think about bothering me or my friends again.
You made me pissed, more aware, charging for a cause, angry at Komen for you and her sister making money off us, educated, and way more alert to anything ever before April 2012.
It's excellent how you showed me all this, and I wish it wasn't you living in my breast and armpit to make me see it- so thank you- now move on.

I think you suck.

So be on your merry way- go take a long walk off a short pier and never come back.
Make like a tree and get outta here.
and go fuck yourself.

:D

...xo....

in the middle

In the middle of the 4 week cloud - floating by....

Time is going faster that I would like it to, but my resolve right now is super duper. Going to try and charge right in at 6AM November 9th and make both doctors laugh. at the very least. That's my main goal. If i can make them laugh, or at least smile- then I can go into anesthesia one happy woman with 2 surgeons who take pride on operating on such a hilarious person.

But seriously- Coming to grips with what November 10th will bring- making sure plans are set.
I have opted for the sentinel node biopsy in the "good side" - which juuuust makes sure there's no cancer there - just a precaustion. It means though I have to visit the hospital the night before my surgery and get injected with blue stuff to make the lymph nodes show up overnight. That would mean driving at night, then coming back home, and then making the 50 mile one way trip all over again early next morning.
Maybe we'll get a hotel room close to the hospital?
Who knows?
I just like plans in place and I'm trying to coordinate a million schedules and people. It's a little overwhelming as I get closer.

Been feeling alright though- the chemo leaving my body is a grand feeling.

GRAND.


It is not leaving without a fight though- leaving my bones and neuropathy fun to play painfully inside me.
But some times I feel great. So I like those, because they haven't been around for a while.
Hot flashes- forget it- they are getting hotter and flashier. No end in sight for those yet.

Last weekend was the beach getaway in Ocean City Maryland- Mark and I took advantage of 2 days with no kids and we loafed and relaxed. My legs hurt the whole time- but it was a sweet break from a 2 year old alarm clock. Nice room, I am the most comfy in a nice hotel room- and it was blessed. I got to see my old roommate Jay from when I lived in OC 14 years ago, we had a drink and shared a nice hug before he left for Thailand for the winter.

We arrived home on Saturday afternoon- calling my mom with about 10 minutes left before we got to the children, she says that Melody tripped on the carpet and isn't walking right. Great.
So before we actually go home, it means a trip to the Urgent Care Clinic to see what's wrong with Melody.  The nurse there told me I looked great for going through chemo- which just made my day.
I now have wrestled a 2 year old to successfully x-ray her leg and for that i should get a trophy. They also made me wear a radiation bib to keep me protected from the radiation. Ya know- it might cause cancer.
It was just a sprain- she was about and her usual tasmanian devil self the very next day.
As we were sitting in the ER, Azalea kept coughing and i felt her head and found she had 103 fever too.
Not home yet and 2 kids are down for the count.
We had the ACS Making Strides Walk the next day- hopefully they would be alright.

Azalea woke up ok, Melody was fine and we walked as Team FUNK Cancer, in memory of Tatum's mom Judy  in our awesome red shirts complimented nicely by some sweet pink bracelets Bethany made.
We stood out in our fierce red..... I even got too hot for my head scarf and took it off in public for the very first time ever. Showed off my pretty Joe Girardi haircut.
As we walked, I heard a woman comment behind us "At least wear SOME pink and support the cause...." to her friend about our team. Wow. Good luck with all that.
Overall it was a great walk, 20K people showed up, and besides the obnoxious and inappropriate dance party that made the breast cancer walk and memories of the fallen into a totally Jerseylicious wedding  - it was a gorgeous day spent with some awesome women, my family and the beach!!
Thank you too for supporting our cause!

 Now let's find a cause!!!!

The latest latest is that I have finally hooked up with the last of the crowned heads of treatment- I visited Dr. D , my radiation oncologist.
I am going closer for these since I have to get rads every day for 5 weeks (except saturdays , sundays and holidays - UPS style) and there's no way I am driving to Mount Holly for a 5 minute trip through Radiation City every day.
My father had Dr. D and just praised him up and down and always spoke highly of him. He used to work at Fox Chase back in the day too before he became local here at the Jersey Shore. He is also a Yankees fan and I know his wife and I had children a month apart. I remembered all of this from my dad so meeting the doc was instant friendship. He mentioned what a great person my dad was which really made my heart warm. I felt my dad sitting there with me.
His first words to me were "You are too young to be sitting here."
I love him and his staff- Just great people.
We went through all the ins and outs- but there can't be any real evaluation yet since I haven't had surgery yet. And I have to heal up completely before I start radiation.
I'm a rare bird I'm finding being prescribed the neo-adjuvant chemo (before surgery) . People ask me why in the world my oncologist is doing that- and I'm finding that it is not really that standard.
It's eliminating any and all stray metastasis that may have been floating through my body waiting to make me Stage IV first since this cancer was so advanced when it was discovered. So they bomb the hell out my whole body with the biggest most toxic stuff they have- and then surgery to cut out the remnants.
So that is the reason for my neo-adjuvant chemo.
If you'd like to read more about neo-adjuvant chemotherapy, please visit your local library.
I hear stage IIIA, but it could be or initially was IIIB or C. Noone will ever really know until the Holy Pathology comes back. That pathology report is the golden envelope like they have at the Oscars. There we find out what . it. is. or was. It's probably the scariest part of this whole thing. Getting results. The Node Number. The node number is the big number and a major marker in the chances of this cancer coming back. They keep a closer eye on you the more positive nodes they find. I had asked Phyllis once if the chemo had killed a node's cancer- would it still show up as being affected and she said maybe and sometimes. So they will be able to see hopefully what the chemo got. It biopsied positive for breast cancer- that shitshow- so something was in there. That thing in my armpit is just ugh- grossing me out more and more too. Yuck.
And it's scary too not having the chemo and being without a net for 4 weeks. I'm pretty sure my insides look like Beirut in the 70s at this point. Whatever might still be in there is a tough little bitch.
But nothing will be left, I am confident.
I still want to see the tumor though.

I hate waiting on pathology reports- the 9 days I spent waiting for my diagnosis was torture.

As this chemo leaves my body- I mourn the loss of the Yankees epic season.
As I have stated this entire blog- they started their epic season the day I started chemo.
And as of October 9th- they lost every game from the 10th on.
I feel like I should send them a nice thank you card to the team at least.




alas - i have written a novel~

thanks for hanging with me so far...
xo


b

hello autumn chill.

It's really nice to not have to worry about being in a LabCorp waiting room today.

Slowly coming out of the last chemo fog- it's been kinda crappy this week- less hot flashes- but oh boy the bone pain and neuropathy have been terrible.
Legs hurt so bad by 9PM I have to lie down in bed- hobbling everywhere.
and my energy is zilch.
Just tired all the time.
Having an issue with my hands- not being able to feel them 100% is weird.
And I'm dropping stuff.
holding a pen is a little difficult too.
I got through an especially tough work week where by 10AM I was on the road to Shitsville. ugh.
It is now the autumn season- time for punkins and cider and Halloween- summer just blew right past me. Faster than I would have imagined. It seems as it was just yesterday I had no air conditioning and had just started chemo. Now it's chilly, and I'm finding solace in tall boots.
Boots in general.
It's wearing them that just makes you feel like you got the power to kick anything's ass. And boots are always fabulous.
I haven't been able to shop for anything to match the boots though because I won't know my clothing size after the belly and boob surgery- it's kind of hard to figure out what will fit. I wing it for now.

It's a little odd having a next week without chemo. I got so used to the anticipating Monday drive, the routine, the copays- I feel like I got laid off from a job. lol.
I'll take it though. Even though it has taken such a toll on my head and body.
Glad to be done- glad it's over and I don't ever want that shit going through my veins ever again.

Monday I meet Dr. D'Ambrosio, my radiation oncologist.
Close to home in Toms River- he's the last stop of this crazy train of doctors and treatment and cancer for now.
I feel like I'm at the end and beginning all at the same time. Very overwhelming some times, I am constantly amazed at the community around me, and all that this has created. I am gratefully very tired. lol.
It's not without the creeping feelings and a racing mind of course, but I'm getting by and having the best time with my husband and kids as much as I can in these last few weeks of the most normalcy I'll see for a while...

On this chilly Saturday, I hope we can empty out the summer garden containers and treat the dirt and soil with some fresh compost and get some tulip bulbs planted today. The kids could use to get some brisk Jersey fall air in their blood and have some fun.
You are an elusive one, Saturday energy........................................................................................







(and go yankees!!! hooray!)

the day without a number

Look! no number!

Feels good to be done with it- although it's after effects have started seeping through the walls like the end of Amityville Horror.
I went home with a set of terribly painful legs that came back to pay a visit. I thought I was done with the bone pain.
No.
Last night was pretty bad too.
I don't expect to feel too good for the next few days either. I wonder what it will be like as this drug leaves my system slowly.
Surgery is going to be here before I know it.
I have 4 weeks to eat as much of the leafy greens as possible, and talking to myself to keep the tumors at bay until they get cut out.
It feels so good to know that finally FINALLY I will be rid of that internal mass of mutation that's captured my breast and eaten it whole.
I got to speak with my nurse navigator Barbara today and we talked about surgery- basically I'll be in there at 6am- and off they go. It's a pretty intricate thing -It's called a DIEP flap surgery...  having to preserve blood supply and vessels needing to  be attached and sewn together - the blood supply is monitored for 24 hours and eek- I'm glad someone studied very hard in medical school and loves their work.
I'll have 6 drains, which are tubes coming out of my body and collecting the lymphatic fluids since my lymphatic system is all cut up and has a little proverbial sign on it that says "please pardon our appearance as we renovate". I'll have to empty the drains and tubes and need help keeping them clean. Joyous details I'm sure you are all happy to learn of. Far from anything colored pink, that's for sure.
Eventually the drains come out. and I'm on the road to getting my body back to normal. Radiation is all that's left after surgery- and we'll be well on our road to rebuilding the new me.
I keep my eyes on the prize right now of getting the plastic surgery of a boob job and tummy tuck I'd never get otherwise. It's that that's keeping me laughing.
Not to mention the ice cream that's been giving me a nice spare tire. If I'm going to have a boob job- I'm gonna make it count with ice cream. Hormone free of course.
win win.

Overall- I'm done with a huge part of the war. I have my hair coming back, my body on it's way to regrowth after the nuclear bombing of shock and awe to my endocrine system, heart, bones, reproductive organs, brain, blood, and all the other gook and gunk inside.
Now I have to write a living will. and a real will too for that matter.
I'm off all drugs from here on out till anesthesia and this cancer shit goes AWAY.
AWAY.
Oh I am so excited!!!!
BRING ON THE KNIFE.
Here we go!



GO YANKEES!

DAY140. DONE.

DAY140
LAST DAY OF CHEMO.

Whoa boy.
I made it.
I AM ALL DONE.

Got a vein the first time- even some more tumor shrinkage in the breast tumor.
Mark and Azalea came with me and Beth came to see me too. It was a light day in the chemo room- all breast cancer cases- all 3 of us.
The woman across from me had the same surgeon, plastic surgeon and surgery I'll be having- and praised their work. She called them artists.
Cemented that just then right for me.
No more being scared of surgery.
Done with chemo- and 4 weeks till the Shitshow says a hearty good bye.
The other lady was on her third go around of breast cancer- she brought her husband who was a huge fan of Ted Nugent. It was a great and small last chemo visit- good conversation and hugs.

Bonnie had her chemo the day before and left me a really nice card and a pair of earrings. It was really sweet of her to do that. I got hugs from all the nurses on my way out, the receptionist and I even ambushed my oncologist.
Just one more subsequent week of crappy side effects- and then I slowly get better.
the bone pain has come back in full force, but it's looking like the hurricane spared my toenails and fingernails for the most part. hooray.
Neuropathy is a new friend....

Done with chemo- onward to surgery-here we go.
1 more crappy week.

I also got an appointment to meet with my radiation oncologist close to home here- I got the same guy my dad had- and the appointment is on his birthday.
I'll be doing the rads close to home here in Toms River- so an end in sight is due for all this driving.

go yankees.

pretty pink lights.

DAY138

Feelin' mighty awesome today inside. Got a really nice visit from our Colorado family Bob and Pattie last night- they brought cookies.
I managed to repay the kindess by getting up and out early and getting them the good donuts you have to drive a half hour for. They deserved it :)

Yesterday I found myself having to go for a blood test since I missed the lab Friday.
I had a woman take my blood who I saw a few weeks ago- she was asking me about Virtua and Fox Chase and me having to drive 50 miles out of my way for my treatments- to which I attested that I would absolutely not stay local and my decision sits well with me.
She took my blood again yesterday and she whispered to me that she just found out she had liver cancer.

another one?

This girl was easily younger than me- at least 25 but not older than 30 at all. She was talking low since her work didn't know yet. Crap.
There are too many young people getting cancer.

I told her to do what she feels best and go with her gut. She didn't know what to do between Sloan Kettering and Fox Chase.
Or stay local.
I hope she's all right. I left there really upset for her that she has to go through this shit.
Doesn't matter where your tumors decide to set up shop or what color the ribbon is- it all sucks.

and despite the ribbon being pink- it still has such a nice comforting feel to it when you see it.

a cute pink ribbon.and pretty.

Above is my video of the newscaster last night commenting on how pretty the George Washington Bridge looked all lit up in pink.
and that is why we need to stop pinkwashing this disease.
Cure all cancer.
and none of it is pretty.


at all.


xo









(go yankees)

home stretch

DAY136
Today I get my last blood weekly blood test (for chemo at least) done.
I'm in and out of these usually in 5 minutes, but it's just another place to go and I'm glad I won't have to go there anymore. for chemo at least.
This Taxol kicked my butt again - Wed-Thur and Today was crappy chemo side effect day. I do manage to get in at least some good time at work and I just go home when I start to feel real bad. Then I go home and literally collapse on the couch. The kids usually have me with one eye open so rest eludes me sometimes.
The constant need to be drinking water gets old too. I'll go a few hours and get scared. lol.
My appetite has been blah too.
But yeah- now it's rock n roll hydration. every day and every night.
I have a trip for the chiropractor too lined up for today- It helps immensely with the sludgy ache of everything lately.
Sludgy.
That's pretty much the best word for it.

Hair I think is here to stay- it's a short short fuzz- but growing. I can almost make it look messy. almost!
No eyelashes or new eyebrows yet.
My nails have been behaving thanks to the Fort Knox of nail polish applications. They still hurt though, as well as the neuropathy surging through the day with the burning hands and numb fingers.
I can't wait till this is out of my system and over with.
My guts have had enough of feeling like the underneath of the NJ Turnpike around Exit 13. Close by where the dumping grounds of John Malkovich's head is ... kinda.

Sludgy.
Almost done.
4.more.days.

sandpaper days

DAY135

Yankees clinched the AL East last night.
It gets me very emotional.
I love that it happened sweeping the Bosox- to me- it's been helping in walking tall through this all. Fighting, saying to my dad ""See what we can do?" and enjoying a really great baseball season. They won that game last night 14-2 and I woke up from a tough sleep to see that.
The end of that game? - That's me and my dad winning right there.
Little victories.
I want them to hang tough and win the world series.
Man, you wanna see me cry?

In these last days of chemical treatment- I see that I have changed. I might not be so rosy and fluffy in my embracing cancer- but I still embrace it despite what I might project.
Grace has gone to the wayside most recently in showing the abhorrant business practices of the profiteers out for $, my white hot anger over it all, why I and millions of other women (and men too) have had to suffer.
Sometimes I feel that it was my fault. and this is what I get for waiting for my annual.I know I shouldn't do that though. It wasn't my fault.
WAS NOT.
Mind you I was in the doctors office twice in the 5 months prior to diagnosis and I felt something wasn't right and I was passed off by medical professonals as it being no big deal. Once I spent 7 hours in an ER - noone could figure out why I was having breathing problems.
All in all- noone could say if I delayed my own breast cancer discovery. I live with that every day in my head.
So yeah- I'm not the most enjoyable of people to be around right now- this is the end of a very long process.
and I'm rough around the edges.
But I walk with love, I fight the killer inside me, and I accept every day.
I don't want to alienate anyone- or scare anyone with what cancer really looks like.
I was told my picture below was shocking. But if at least 1 person can look at that- be horrified and go schedule an appt.- then I did my duty. It ain't pretty, that's for sure.
It's 6am right now and I can't sleep- it's keeping me up thinking about all this stuff. I would have stayed in bed only to keep hitting a snooze button and sweating the hot flash boogie as always. I had to get it out here.
I see you reading this blog every day as the hit counter rises- This is it. It won't always be 'pink', or a declaration of a good day- I have bad days, worse days and anger too. I never know what every day will bring so I just roll with it.

I am at the end of one of many forks in the road. I am grateful for every day, I am grateful for everyone around me and all the family in my life, and I am grateful for cancer.
Yeah- it's a f***ing asshole- but I am still thankful for the lessons I learn every day.
I hate it. I loathe it inside me. I don' enjoy what this cancer has created- but I'm fighting.
every.
day.
I am just a little made of sandpaper lately.
I love you all very very much.
and
Go yankees!!!!
xo

octoberrrrrr.

(i love this version)

DAY133 part 2

I had to dedicate one post to how I feel about October. (part1 below)
Just not a fan.
and I look forward to being reminded of it every year.

Azalea ended September as she always does - with a birthday and she is now 10!
I managed to include my entire family's birthdays within this chemo run. what a feat!

So my 11th Taxol took place Monday. Vietnam Vet Guy with lymphoma from Agent Orange was there, as was Bonnie the Cheeto lady, and I met a 90 year old woman who wasn't even grey yet (she started her chemo recently and hadn't lost her hair yet).  She told us she has been married for 67 years!
I also sat next to another woman who had breast cancer, had the lumpectomy and in the lymph node removal - they found a tiny bit the size of a pepper flake in ONE. so she had to do a round of the same chemo regimen I did. She was on Taxol #5 and had the AC too.
Her husband talked the whole time. lol.
I did this chemo trip solo.- I didn't take the Ativan but the drive home kinda sucked nonetheless. Tired.
I did get some time to think and reflect and be with my thoughts. and enjoy the sun coming through the trees as I drove down Magnolia Road.

My WBC counts also jumped way back up to 3.9!!!
They never question it, and always praise the numbers, so I'm doing good.
I am making it a point to visit the chiropractor as much as I can- it's been great in how much Dr. G helps.
When he cracks my back, it sounds like someone stepping on a bag of kettle chips. Good for the lymphatics!
and...drum rolls please.....
NEXT WEEK IS MY LAST CHEMO.
and guess what?
It's October 9th.

9 again.

So I plan on getting my makeup on and favorite wig and do my chemo and dance out of that hallway when I am done. Azalea wants to go too.

So happy to end this countdown of days for a change. 133 is a lot so far.
only 7 more to go. 7!!!!!!!!!

and we want the Yankees to kick some Bosox butt tonight.

Feelin' ok- tired as always.
I decided to just say whatevs and finally post a picture of my true look. I was a little self conscious about doing this- but that's my stupid ego again..... but I hope people can take something away from it and either make it a point to possibly do a self exam, schedule that annual you keep putting off, or be inspired to join the fight for the cause. No girl should have to look like Joe Girardi.
My post below (part 1) has a nifty set of links for all sorts of action and in theme of what october really should stand for.
Find a cause, find a cure.
so here i am::
Me in May- right after chemo #1( I miss that hair!)




 June (when eyebrows ruled the world)


Today

and today after applying an hour of eye glitter. I just don't wake up like that, ya know.
Purple Jean Shrimpton!


So there ya go. That's what I really look like under the top hat.
This is what cancer drugs to do you.
You can kind of see my hair growing out in its little fuzziness. It's splotchy between patches of grey, white and dark brown.
I have probably 10 eyelashes left total and not much eyebrows.
and steroids like to give you acne too.
yay. gorgeous. :)

Doing ok though- the bone pain has been taking a sweet vacation and not visiting as much- my hands and feet are burning more each day- but no loss of function.
good.
Ready for the  next to the last of the crashes tomorrow.....


xo

Pinktober is upon us.

DAY133

Merry Pinktober.
Where breast cancer ribbons show up on everything from processed cheese food slices to handguns.
Nothing says cure like a ham wrapped in pink plastic in the deli section of stop n shop.
And my personal favorite of the week:

Hope is a beautiful thing.
All these products I hope to use again one day?
Because I have no period, my hair fell out, I don't need to shave all that often (no hair)  and that aluminum in deodorant I don't subscribe too anyway.
Please do not get me wrong- I applaud the efforts of any fundraiser whose drive is based in helping others instead of corporate greed. But this ad is not curing cancer. and adding "Do it for the girls" just ups the tasteless level. not to mention that if you follow the donation path in this coupon book- it'll take you 50 million coupons to raise that amount of money because it states 1 cent goes from every coupon redeemed to "early detection".  It sucks when your cancer is exploited for profit.

In this month of Breast Cancer Awareness or as some call it "Pinktober", "Screwtober", "Pinktoberfest"- where everything just goes overboard and little money is actually sent to 'research'- there is a LOT of greed.
There are other ways to be aware, like self exams (mammograms do not always detect tumors!!) , getting regular check ups with thorough examination and paying attention to your body's signals...Noone is immune. And this is an EPIDEMIC.  Men and women.
I put off my annual exam. I wish I hadn't. But no pink ribbon ever made me want to do it either.
I just kept saying "ok- when I have time.....I'll make that appointment".
...... would they have found it earlier? who knows? Maybe.
And I'm not the only person who has dealt with breast cancer disgusted by this month and it's holiday like cause marketing. There are MANY of us.

Noone has a cause for it, and there still is no cure. Many empty promotions find themselves in the light around October. Many who do very much good as well. Research where the money is going and ask questions if you are looking to donate to the cause.
This blog post is an excellent breakdown of numbers of where Komen donates their money. It is not as much as one might think.
Think before you Pink.

While all of this is great, I am subscribing to Susan Love's "Blog for Love" pledge.
It's where I tell you to enact your help into putting to action for breast cancer research :
From Susan Love's facebook:
How do I Act with Love?
Despite the reigning success of Breast Cancer Awareness Month and millions of dollars raised, we still have very little knowledge about breast cancer.  Now is the time to shift the discussion from awareness to pinpointing the cause and accelerating prevention--and you can help!  Turn your fervent awareness of this disease that affects one in eight women, and take action by investing yourself in breast cancer research.  Together we can fast track research and end breast cancer within our lifetime.
What is the Health of Women study?

With the introduction of the Health of Women study (HOW) on October 1st, the Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation will revolutionize the fight against breast cancer.  By crowdsourcing health information, and involving the general public directly, we will uncover the information that will end breast cancer.  This groundbreaking initiative invites the public, men and women over the age of 18 of all health backgrounds, to be collaborators by participating in the study via the web or on their mobile devices.  HOW will also turn traditional research practices on its head by creating a venue for researchers to gather and share information, with the definitive goal of ending breast cancer.  To learn more about the Health of Women study, visit: www.healthofwomenstudy.org.





So visit!
Help out by visiting the link above and take a few minutes to answer some questions. Susan Love is a breakthrough in the true fight for the cause and eradictaing breast cancer from the face of the earth.


Thank you.
xo
b

Not the best day so far.....

DAY129

Calgon, you are late!

Today is the crappiest chemo day since Tuesday- I haven't stopped hot flashing or sweating since I woke up.
I just feel like I'm walking through space today again- It was sooo hard waking up this morning- but I dragged myself out of bed and into work for a good 3.5 hours before reality decided to start slipping away from me. It's a feeling I can't describe other than you are a body filled with toxic organs and sludge and brain chemicals like a novelty Pina Chemo Colada in a human shaped cup from a poolside bar in Vegas. Melting in the sun and sub par.
Just uck.
You won't know this feeling unless you do chemo. It's nothing that I ever felt pre-cancer. Even at my worst.
Jen and her kiddo Dylan stopped by last night to have some pizza and wine and it was great to have company, despite being thoroughly exhausted.
Today,
The husband departs for the Poconos around 2pm- and my mom is pretty sick so I'm the mommy today on my own.
As long as Melody doesn't take a nap- I can get her in bed early around 6 and Azalea is easy because she's almost 10 and she's able to help herself and make herself dinner and lock the doors at night, put herself to sleep and stuff.
I don't know what I'd do without her. Between her and Finding Nemo-I have good support in getting through a bad day solo with kids.
I feel terrible. I wish my mom felt better. She does too.

I managed to make a soup that is stewing on the stove at least for a few hours now. Soup isn't too much of a stressful dinner that's now taken care of...

where are you Calgon? I need a break.

-xo
b

3:33pm
Update.(said in the same way Robert Stack did in Unsolved Mysteries)
I gave my mom my chiropractor appointment since I just couldn't do it today.
I have to get Azalea off the bus in about 20 minutes, and Melody decided to take a nap.
On days like this, normalcy goes by the wayside and all of a sudden I am the awesome mom who gives her kid ice cream before dinner. Cause I just can and I don't have to care for a day if I don't want to. Her diapers are changed and she is fed, clean and happy.
And if you want to judge me, Go for it. You figure out a better way to keep a energetic 2 year old happy and quiet whilst chemo twists your insides and bones all around and you need just 20 minutes to rest. lol.
:) thank you, little bowl of ice cream.
xo


4:58 PM
Melancholy about missing the Keller and Juggling shows tonight, I drowned my superficial and shallow egotistical sadness in Talenti Gelato, loafing on the couch watching Coraline with the little one. And because Caramel Cookie Crunch is a sweet alternative to Vicodin. :)
Then Mark calls and he has arrived at his destination.... and puts Keller on the phone. Keller tells me to keep kicking ass.
I am smiling.
Thanks Mark
xo

the lasty nasties.

DAY127

Pretty uneventful chemo yesterday- My mom took Melody anyway and Mark headed through the pines with me this week.
Phyllis was telling me that this is the last of it all- and all the months of chemo has collected into the bottom of the well and this is what I got.
So my immune system is hanging on very bravely with a vengeance, as are my red blood cells that are the cause to my tired.
My mom was right- there is no day or night anymore.
I have such trouble sleeping- especially in the days after chemo with I'm all methed out on decadron the heady steroid.
Today is usually the good day but I'm kinda figuring I won't have those anymore and I just need to emerge gently from the waves after October 8th's last hurrah....the last chemo.

Still going to take it easy- I have a 2 day getaway I'm looking forward to and an end to the nurses sticking me with IV needles.
Yesterday it took them 4 sticks and 2 nurses before they got a vein in my hand.
I am hanging in there.
I feel like I am getting sick- probably what my mom had.
sore throat - uck. I need to rock some tea.
Work days are getting shorter too. I'm leaving my business right before Christmas hits. Our busiest season.
It's a little stressful making sure the work is going to be taken care of when I am really gone- this is not like when I was 9 months pregnant and lived right down the road and stopped in. I'll be out. And this Virgo is having a hard time letting go and being comfortable with things going on ok after I leave.
eek! Another worry.
I need to stop worrying. It'll be ok.
It will be ok. I have an excellent replacement.

Main breast tumor with
censor pixelated. because this is a family blog.
See the other 3 revolving
in its largeness.
May 2012

The Armpit Shitshow &
Lymph Node Circus
circa may 2012

Surgery time is coming fast and I am grateful I have had months to prepare. Most breast cancer patients have the surgery first. I can't imagine being thrust into that off the bat.
The downside is walking around with the Armpit Shitshow and her 4 mothers this whole time inside me.
It's a little unnerving thinking that for 4 weeks- these tumors won't have chemo to fight them. a whole month!

I hope they stay put.
Going from 5 cm to .5 is pretty cool and should stay that way...We want to see a shitshow with no one left to tell any tales..... Victory will be mine.

Have a great evening folks~


xo
b