I love this song. Before I was diagnosed, I officially had this as the song to be played at my funeral.
Now I hope I get so old, that nobody will remember that I want this song at my funeral. I'll have to write it down because I'd rather be drawn apart by dogs than have the final curtain be because of cancer.
Fuck that. No way.
I know I can't control my fate, but I can visualize it.
So what did I do on this first day of freedom?
I woke up drenched in sweat at 2am, finally fell back asleep at 4am- then woke back up after 2.5 year old kneed me in my back and bonked me in the head with a sippy cup. Meandered around- felt like shit - the arm burned a lot- and my dumb ass completely forgot about a thing at Azie's school. I was supposed to join her for a math game where all the parents come out and see and play the math curriculum for an hour today. and I freaking spaced out. I was so wrapped up in my arm and sleep I just forgot. I felt so bad, I was crying when she came home from school. The big kid she is- I know she was hurt- I apologized up and down. She hopefully understands.
My arm really is in bad shape- a nice big crop of blisters showed up today- now I see why they said "It'll get worse before it gets better".
So I was the world's most horrible parent, and Sweaty McBlisters today.
Hot flashes, with a burned armpit is kinda gross. and uncomfortable. and weird stingy. At least the bad smell went away.
I switched up a bit from the saffron seed- I don't think it was working very well at this point in time.
I did get some nice relief from a baby diaper rash herbal spray Melody uses. It's got aloe and tea tree oil in it and it's super gentle.- I put it in the fridge- the cooling is just the best.
Ahh.
The lymphedema is kicking up a bit too. Ouch.
all in all- I'm out of sorts. This permanent chest pain is going on and off- Just feeling lumpy and blah. It'll probably be a year before I feel normal again- but who knows- I have long forgotten what normal actually feels like.
I just am so happy I can finally be home with my kids again. Like it's supposed to be.
I'm finding good ways to get around hospital bills- and I'm getting some health insurance back as soon as I can so hopefully all that paperwork and stuff will be smooth. I have had enough bumps in my road.
Having really nice and understanding doctors helps too.
So if I was a nice obedient & compliant worker bee- I'd be back in that building right now- How the fuck would I have worked with my arm like this and feeling like this? Who the fuck demands that from their workers? I just cannot believe this guy.
No OSHA report yet- which means it's going to be a real doozy. I found a delightful screen printing supply website where in big red letters, right on their front page at the bottom has OSHA REQUIRED under the safety products- including a floor ventilator unit. WTF??? What magical things, these OSHA required items. One chemical was supposed to be watched carefully, given medical surveillance for, and documented for injuries. Guess which one I was around the most in direct contact. That stuff would eat through the rubber gloves. Little did I realize it went into my skin- and stayed there. Real nice when you roll your own cigarettes at the time too. Methylene Chloride is perfectly safe. No big deal. No need to be alarmed. ITS PERFECTLY SAFE. STOP READING LABELS, BRIANNE. So perfectly safe it has 600 pages of cancer warnings written on by the EPA.
Like the benzene, acetone, hexane, toluene, PVC, formaldehyde and other fun stuff's fumes in an unventilated building all day long too. No big deal.
It just makes me angry. So angry. I hate to keep harping on it- but how do you do that to a human being?
The sheer ignorance is astounding.
Other places OSHA visited like my work - with the same chemicals and problems- bring hefty fines. Especially when someone gets sick.
I just don't see how someone can just be that careless. And willfully negligent.
Ugh.
Some of these OSHA things take months- bad ones take months. This is going to be a real bad one and I would suppose this probably makes the news if it's as big as I think it'll be - judging from the past reports and violations I have read from other similar jerk bosses who don't think twice about their employees being holed up in an unventilated box with poisonous air...
This is my next fight.
In the meantime- healing. It's finally here.
yay!
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