happy times. tired times.

DAY40

I can't believe it's been 40 days since my first chemo. If this was the Bible, I would have found the promised land by now, or begat Enoch or something like that.

Yesterday I took it easy, but I needed to get out of the house, so in this crazy heat of 90 degrees, we took the kids for a very brief visit to a local farm that has farm animals you can feed carrots too. Melody chased a giant black Chinese chicken around and imitated the goats. It was a riot. Not easy being in the sun so much, but I hydrated and stayed good. Azalea went over a friend's house later on and came back and I managed to get both my kids back by the end of the day, which made me smile and it felt good to have them close to me.
I also got gifted a massive amount of beets, broccoli, peppers, herbs and cabbage!!

I also made it a point to visit the beauty supply store, which is an AutoZone for chemotherapy patients needing to maintain fabulous.
Eyelashes, wigs, scarves, eyebrow pencils, fun stuff. My eyebrows and eyelashes are next to fall out - I hear every hair goes bye bye with Taxol. I love shimmery eyeshadow crayons. in green.
I could go nuts in there, especially since I should be a member of Nail Polish Anonymous. I have a nail polish problem too - which is soon going to grow into an eye makeup problem if I don't keep it in check.....
I got a new short wigs and some colored hair to decorate with. Absentmindedly, I went to put the feather clip into my hair and realized. hey. I don't have any.
I don't miss it.
Especially when it's 95 degrees outside.

Today we went to a pig roast my boss had at his house. I managed to last 2 hours before needing to go home, but the kids had such a great time in the pool. I got to hang with people I don't see that much anymore, but I miss very much. I work in a place where we hug each other. You don't get that very often in life.... I miss old life of going to work everyday and not dealing with cancer. I miss having more than 4 good hours of energy in a day.
Sometimes it gets to be too much where I just wish I could step out of this reality for an hour and reassemble. But i can't. Or maybe I can with enough fake eyelashes and eyebrow pencils from the beauty supply store.
....either way it takes a toll on ya.
I am not gonna lie.
Low isn't a spot where I want to be, but I visit sometimes, but I make sure it never ever gets the best of me like that lake that ate the horse in the Neverending Story.

That wouldn't be fun.
I just want to get this last AC chemo appointment and following week done and over with already. It messes with you after a while both physically and mentally.

I keep on keepin' on.... for everyone and me.

So the heat and emotion had it's fun this weekend.....
Tired, nauseous, more stupid stabs of bone pain.....i am so tired of these drugs.
I need to lie down (surprise!)
and happy that I do not have hair on my head today!!!
onward Falcor!!

crazy friday yay!

DAY11

In doctor waiting rooms, there's always magazines. It's always nice to be able to find a nice story on someone dealing with cancer every once in a while. I often thought that they should come up with a fashionable cancer magazine. Like pieces on  trendy wigs or active meditation exercises for chemo patients, stories of survivorship, and stuff. Like Cosmo or some magazine that's of the supermarket checkout ilk. The "So you have cancer" publications that litter an oncologist's waiting room are sterile and don't provide any real information like "never shave again! hot new chemos that get rid of the hair fast. Just in time for summer!" or "Men who love bald" with sexy bald ladies in plunging necklines and velvet draped ports on the covers. Really. I think it would make people feel like they have a life rather than deal with depressing stuff like death or being sick. Laughing would be encouraged. All these magazines try their best to convey "you are a real person" but in reality they are generic explanations of what chemo does to you and to be careful of constipation. Who wants to read that kind of stuff?


I don't like using words with negative connotations when speaking about cancer. It's negative enough just saying "cancer".
unless your an astrologer.


I'm walking through this with my head up as high as I can get it and a damn smile on my face. I am extremely grateful for every single day, every person I meet, and know, and all the things around me.
 Is it weird to be grateful for the shitty experiences too? The amazing teachers they are, how can you not be?

Seriously, life is great. Wherever you go, there you are. Serious is boring.

......

I went to the chiropractor again today to keep the works going. My chiropractor is great. He fixes my pinched nerves, headaches and work related maladies perfectly. Right before I was diagnosed, he was watching a webinar of another chiropractor who treated cancer patients and combined traditional treatments with regular adjustments. Overall- the study says that the outcome is so much better for patients who combine the two plus acupuncture, massage therapy, reiki, etc. It's great to see the medical profession really cool with the other side of medicine.
It's always the side I went with since an infant. My mom never took us to doctors, we always went to the chiropractor. If we had a cold, we were better the next day with a simple adjustment.
Sad to see some other people who claim the title of chiropractor and use it to bilk their patients out of good $, xrays, and unnecessary 'regular' visits. Those folks are quacks.

Always a fan of a great chiro. :)

and I'm looking forward to a great sleep from the visit.
.....
I'm enjoying a rare glass of red wine tonight - I've had 2 since the chemo started- Tonight I toast my awesome hair, and I'm treating myself to some funky nail polish and a small night of prettying myself up in prep for the big hair funeral tomorrow. I'm from New Jersey- we stereotypically mourn the loss of big hair.
Waxing nostalgic for times when I could walk into the Korean nail parlor and get the works, but I'm infection prone and I can't be doing that. But I miss those awesome Koreans. Noone does eyebrows like USA Nails on Bridge Ave.

  As far as air conditioning- it's ironic how I had to deal with sweltering conditions without AC, then it got fixed and it cools down. LOL. I did find out however that the vents and the vents only had been cleaned in the past- never the main unit- so this was the first time the AC was cleaned since it was installed 39 years ago. Good thing this is a family house.Holy crap 39 years.
It smells awesome, the AC goes all over the house and I don't have to crank it anymore.

:)
Ironic that my first phase of chemo is also called AC.
and I love Atlantic City too. With my propensity for attracting infection, a trip to the slots and roulette tables are out of the question, along with the new tattoo I was planning on getting, the trip out west I wanted, and  train rides up to NYC.
Can't . Do . Most. Anything. Fun. :( Hmph.
I am really looking forward to the husband and New Riders of the Purple Sage at the Pony on the 8th. eeeeeeek. Buddy Cage was also recently diagnosed with multiple myeloma just like my dad was so I hope I get a chance to give him a hug.
He's a friend to Mark and has played on a few albums of his so we're looking forward to seeing him. Mark has been in the studio recording a new album, and Buddy agreed to contribute. I'm really psyched.
Neil Diamond in NY on the 10th, Bruce Hornsby on the 11th in Asbury- so many crazy awesome shows I want to do them all!!!!! I should get them in before the storm really hits, no? I got my live nation employment connections, might as well see if they work. :)

Tomorrow the haircut.

The day the bennies arrive.

DAY4

Woke up not being able to drag myself out of bed- but after some coffee and water, I was up and about. More run down than yesterday. Keeping my nausea at bay the best I can......
It hit me this morning how much Melody is affected subconsciously throughout all of this as well as Azalea is. Melody will be 2 in August, she has no concept of life or death or sick yet. But she does need a mommy and I'm going to do the best I can. She has become a little bit more temperamental and whiny since this al happened. She knows.

Since she was a born, she would settle down to rest and grab a handful of my hair while she was nursing, or had her bottle...and it would soothe her to sleep. I'll miss that every night.

Normal everyday activities like changing her diaper, giving her a bath, making her food I can do, playing with her, but it's different where I just haven't had the energy. I feel as if this kid is going to miss out on 100% of a mommy with all of this bullshit going on. It's making me a little sad today. This does not detract from my fight though. I will do whatever I can to give this child the most normal not-sick mother I can muster. I'm grateful for the boardwalk and beach being so close by too. The kids LOVE the weekly trips to the boardwalk. It's one of the best part of the summer :) I can't wait.

Memorial day weekend though, I'm staying close to home. In years past - we always went up to Camp KeeWanee in Massachusetts for Strangecreek. Mark played and I vended the goods- it was a nice getaway from the inaugural bennie weekend. It was a nice sight to see them all migrating away from the beach as we drove over the Driscoll Bridge on our way home Monday. Mark is still going up there- he's playing at 1pm on Saturday, so I won't have him around all day Saturday. I think my brother Jon should be around to help.
I think I'll be ok though. Azalea's been doing great in the role of a sort of babysitter for Melody when I need to rest. I have 2 of the most awesome children...... and an awesome husband- Mark hasn't been feeling very well and still continues to kick ass around the house the best he can despite his sinus cold...

I'm loaded up on greens, and juicing is the daily bread. <3 Besides some nausea, I'm feeling ok. Still very hungry. :)

yay!