Friday again :) My sister and her family went home today :(
They hooked up Azie with a great week with her cousin-all over from The Statue of Liberty to the Jersey Shore- they even went to Cake Boss' bakery in Hoboken. It's great to see Azie having some sort of normal life in the midst of such an epic summer as this. Thanks, sis.....<3
Happy weekend, folks. Hug your families..... xo.....
I'm now a regular at my local bar. And by local bar I mean LabCorp. They know my name and probably have my insurance member ID memorized.
My weekly check in went nice a fast today- My white cell count, hemoglobin counts have been slooowly dropping with every visit..... Doing everything I can to keep it on a even keel...... But they keep going down. My mom is worried I'll need a blood transfusion eventually.
I didn't feel very well today or yesterday- but I still went to work and did what I could and was able to go home early to rest.
My nails feel weirder than they did the day before.
I hadn't re painted them in a while and I really needed to. Never imagined I would be doing my nails for medical reasons. But I'll take it.
So I took the polish off- the sight of my bare nails- the way they felt- ugh. I started to cry. And I got pissed.
I can deal with bald- but taking my nails? really?
I know it's a small part of side effects, and things could be worse- but hell- I'm allowed to want to keep my nails. I think anyone would.
They basically detach from the nail bed and start lifting eventually- either coming off, needing to get them removed by a doc or they just look like scary and stay. The bases of the nails turn purple first. Mine are turning purple :( boo.
It's starting- and come hell or high water- I'm gonna fight for them.
I see it come next week no more hand work at work. I'd be really doing something stupid doing that considering the job destroys your nails anyway between changing machine needles, all the threading and serious wear anyway.
So I need to discipline and not do it.
Me not being able to work with my hands though--ugh. Until then I painted them 2 shades of green and then silver and light blue. and sparkles.................. always sparkles.
Breast cancer is the brutal extreme makeover.
I think full blown menopause is here too based on the frequency of hot flashes in the last 3 days. Whoa. Like an eternal Turkish bath you live, walk, work, and sleep in ......
But hey! a bright side- I'm actually growing hair back!
It's very very fuzzy and almost non existant- but it's a very pale (if not white) light layer of fuzz on my head and also on my eyebrows. If I stand in sunlight just the right way and look in the mirror, I look just like Chaka.
The eyelashes still are falling out slowly too though.
Time is melting, combining and knitting all the hours and days together. Not long before I head home from a chemo is that I'm at work- then all of a sudden it's Friday- I need a blood test and Monday is greeted with chemo for breakfast. And it starts all over again.
Monday is chemo- Tuesday I find out if I carry the gene for this cancer.......
......
Mark asked me how I'm doing this. I know he's really scared and thinks a lot about this cancer- he's been down. So I told him there's really nothing to be down about. Yes- the temporary side effects really really suck and all the ordeal it comes with. I don't like it either, and yes- it did mess with my head- but I've had it occupy every minute of every thought since April 9th and I'm just tired of thinking and worrying at this point. You get to the point where worrying is just moot- and the vision to make the day the best you can is all you really can do. It is a heavy load.
But it's all about carrying the weight to the best of your center of gravity. Balancing, good. Walking around with unsecure ties , bad.
Every once in a while the load gets too much and you fall- but you learn from it. You grow from it, you get stronger for it.
It's a fight for life every day. And it is so easy to just say "I give up". The option is always right at your fingertips- always right there. Not my MO at all. I put that crap in the corner. I envision it as an ugly troll. And I flip him the bird. Sparkle nail polish is his kryptonite.
Stupid crap will always be stupid. Not worth the breath or anger to bitch about much of anything to the point where the energy put out is just detriment and poison. Nothing you can do to change the present, just always do your best :) Anything less and you feed that thing in the corner with self pity and fear and doubt...
It hurts me that the love of my life hurts.
It weighs on him very much and I can only do my best to do my best to show him this is a blessing in disguise. He knows it.
I love you, hunny. Everything is gonna be ok....Just gotta believe.......
3 comments:
Miss you all...and really miss the epic Azie :) She was awesome to do a world tour of NJ with!!! Glad we could take her mind off thimgs this week. You're a real trooper with all of this. You're stromg and you're gonna beat this...just have some rocks to climb before you get to the top. See u soon!! B
Your hands are beautiful! You are beautiful.... XO Karen
try not to hit the nails from the bottom (avoid that lifting up) and they prooooobably won't fall off but will just take many months to grow out instead. it's that lift that's the kiss of death for them as you know but just whacking them on things can cause issues like the beau's lines as well. mine would grow sloooowly and i had to trim them a couple of times but trimming them isn't fun or easy either. trim in tiiiny little snips - the nails will split so you'll be taking off more than you wanted. and toenails are much more susceptible than fingernails to detaching, even though the fingernails probably look a whooole lot worse, so keep being careful with the feets! i have noooo idea why the fingernails look so bad, yet the toenails are so much more at risk for actual detaching.... *shrugs*
lots and lots of love to you, you're doing just fine. don't doubt that for even one little minute. xoxoxoxoxo <3 <3 <3
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