the dawn of a new thinking. sunrise of the soul.

 DAY76

Time for a new skin.

This new chemo drug is some heavy stuff. As I discover a new twist in it's maze every day.
I boiled over after a very crappy week. Lost my temper, got very upset. I just let it all out. You can only be so jolly for so long before the cracks start.

So the old skin of this first run of chemo cracked and peeled- and finally was shed- I feel exhausted but an odd brand new at the same time. Now I'm not sure if the steroid stays in my system this long either- but something is causing my mind to race and make me restless. I have no control over it.
I'll talk to Phyllis about this Tuesday when I go in for Taxol #3.

So yes- it's been , shall we say , psychic this week. A purge of lots of pent up energy and emotion, the tide spilling over the sides of the sea walls finally after a rough storm comes in.
Crazy.
I do my best to keep happy, to keep busy. Keep reinforcing myself to keep going.
Go go go.
But at some point the weight gets too heavy and the sea wall explodes into a million pieces. spilling all that swirling oceanic destructive majesty everywhere........

So that's what happened. Sea wall is back up and higher now. Because I see how this stuff messes with you, It feeds off that anger. Rising above being angry at something you can't see is a pretty good idea, because it's pretty stupid to be pissed at something you can't control. Like the weather.

Why waste my time?

I feel so good right now though to let the skin go....go out to sea.
My legs feel awesome today too. No baseball bat pain yet.

And the Yanks are currently beating Seattle right now - they've been losing a lot lately. :( My father would change the channel during sad games like the ones in the past and grumble...calling them the 'Dead Bat Society'. Haha.

Azalea comes back today too from 5 days with Mark's mother and sister in Connecticut. They took her for a few days and took her shopping and out to a movie and fun stuff like that. I'll be psyched to have my family back together again tonight. Mark met his sister at a family reunion in Northwest Jersey today to get her and took Melody with him so I get a much needed break to rest. back to work tomorrow morning.

As far as other body things go, I haven't had much of an appetite lately. Just tired and thirsty mostly.
My eyelashes keep falling out. Same with my eyebrows. Which is kinda cool since I am of the Mediterranean persuasion and eyebrows are furry usually...like caterpillars go wild if left unkempt. So i don't have to worry about waxing them anymore. lol. I would like them to stay right how they are now though.
The hair on my head is still kinda stubbly and patchy, but more is gone.
I am having a Lex Luthor looking day.
2 days ago, my liquid liner got in my eye, and a few eyelashes went with it and my eye was all weird and pink and gross. It's better today. Oh well. I guess I have to go out and get new liquid liner now.
Beauty supply store therapy session is in order soon.

I also went for the big genetic test on Wednesday at Virtua in Voorhees to see if I am BRCA1 /2 positive. If so, the rest of my siblings might have to get tested as it is recommended. It was a 3 hour test of counseling, mapping, countless questions, more scary stuff, and me spitting into a vial. I was so glad this was not a blood test. Basically they test my DNA to see if I have a gene that is faulty that would explain the cause my cancer. This gene also indicates a predisposition for prostate cancer, pancreatic cancer, breast cancer recurrence, and ovarian cancer. In that case I would have to get my fallopian tubes and ovaries removed after the mastectomy. I am opting for a double even though no cancer was found in the left one regardless.
I am not going through this all over again. My kids don't need to see that either. I will find out the results before a Taxol visit on August 28th.
I worry they won't have enough belly fat to make new boobs when surgery rolls around. If this is the case, then I will happily volunteer the fat sticking to my hips and thighs for donations. I can get a few sets of boobs out of that right there.
I will ask the surgeon. I hope he laughs. He's a pretty serious fellow. Last time I saw him, he was sticking giant core needles in my armpit and breast. Nice way to meet someone.

As i typed this, I got a surprise visit from my coworker who brought me flowers and kale. lol. Good thing I had the hat close- No time to assemble all my 'parts' (eyebrows, eyelashes, head covering, etc)- i just put on a hat. Oh well. lol. Thanks, Mike & Meghan :) . That was a sweet gesture.


And we had a strange occurrence earlier today where my van's doors unlocked themselves, opened and shut and locked itself back up. Poltergeists. I still can't figure it out.
Or it just could be all that lovely fragrant bedding a band keeps in their van on the road trying to get out to a washing machine.
Weirdness.

Love & Light*
b