I love my friends, I love my family. I was thrown a party to help my family and the amount of love and healing there was awesome. I spent the whole day seeing and hugging people I hadn't seen in well over a year, being pulled in 5 different directions, with a toddler on my hip. Crazy. Both Mark and I also saw relatives we would otherwise see at funerals. It was great.
I spent the week afterwards just in awe of the amount of love in that room, floored.
Nancy, I wish we could have had more time to hang........
Part of me wants to post how I feel every day in public, to let people know just because treatment is over, does not mean that you are 'all done'. That attitude is wrong. My boss had that attitude, and others who have no idea can't see why I can't work anymore.
If I sat at a desk all day, I could work again. I don't do that, I need to lift and push and get into it. I miss that so much.
This bone pain is getting worse slowly---- building up as the weeks go by.
Painkillers are tempting me,but I just can't function on them. Weed- works. It's about the only thing that works.
I got all high and mighty after I was fired that I would go back to my roots, my sewing, my art that supported my family and I for years could come back. I got my sewing room all shaped up again, and I started to sew. and make art again.
The calm and peace I have at home cannot compare to anything. And I realize how unhappy I was ata job I clamed to love. I did love that job, but my heart wanted to be home. I would say that I was in a good place then, but I would be lying. I pretended to like it, and lied to myself. So this magical twist of fate in life put me back home where I belong.
But I'm trying.
Everything takes so long now, though. My arm hates me.
Doing laundry, dishes, organizing, sewing, cleaning. I don't cook much these days since my appetite is horrible between not being hungry at all, or totally nauseous. I should cook more.
It's a lot more work to do all this crap. The stuff you need arms for is totally underrated.
But I do what I can.
It's extremely frustrating, but it's a new thing that's gonna be around forever, might as well make friends with it.
Add Tamoxifen to this and we have lovely days.
I'm being sarcastic.
I won't see Dr. Cairoli till next month, and I'll be seeing Dr. Miller weirdly enough hours after walking in from getting home from NC like last year for that initial biopsy. Dr. Miller's nice. His kind eyelashes.lol.
I'll ask him about the pain and tamoxifen and wtf is going on with this arm.
I'm just not feeling great, I don't know if this is normal or am I sick again somewhere? Or is this the new normal thanks to Tamoxifen?
Hopefully I can get some answers or a new advice on how to live the rest of my life without issues. Man this shit just fucks.you.up.
 |
| where the coffee is to be had. |
I was expected to be just as I was before surgery, no compassion otherwise. It ain't like it used to be by any means.
Parts of my heart misses a lot of that job though.
Most of it doesn't.
So I gotta vacation coming up. Back to NC, where we go every year. Someday I would like to see a tropical island. Never been before.
Some day.
We got a half of a house this year, oceanfront- my only requirement is that I can have my coffee as I sit and watch the ocean. That's my bliss right there. So we found a place with a nice deck, the kids have their own room and we will have neighbors on the other side of the house. I hope they're cool.
For the last 5 years we have gone to NC, we either have shitty weather or something else dumb happens. I just want a happy respite with my coffee at the ocean.
That was my dad's favorite thing too. One week we stayed with him at the beach, and he woke up every morning with his coffee to watch the sunrise.
Best thing in the world.
This beach is magic. My dad's remedy for everything was "go stick it in the ocean". I can't wait to do that. I don't swim in the ocean here- it's gross.
Last year I had my biopsy right after a week of cold weather, a condo with golden girls era decor and grumpy neighbors. And a balcony where my baby daughter fit through the railings. It will be different this year.
Time stands still here. 3 of my siblings also live there.
When I was 14 years old, I worked with a girl who was 19 and her name was Michelle. We were both artists- I worked with her for a summer in NC (our family would live there in the summers) at the campground game room. We scooped ice cream and gave change for the arcade we both worked in. We got to eat all the free ice cream we wanted too. She introduced me to Georgia O'Keeffe, and I made her listen to the Grateful Dead. We smoked cigarettes we bought at Piggly Wiggly and we used to drive around in her truck listening to oldies radio. Michelle and I would write letters to each other for years afterwards- we would decorate each other's envelopes- eventually our mail art got crazy intricate and it was every month I would get a letter from her. Then--we lost touch over the years.... I haven't seen her in about 20 years. I recently found her on facebook and a year ago, right before me- she was diagnosed with a rare cancer. Her hair and my hair look the same. we both have 2 children 8 years apart, have been married for 12 years, and she now lives in St. Louis. Her oncologist works with my cousin, weirdly enough too. We had chemo at the same time.
I got a letter from Michelle recently- she will be in NC at the same time I will, and I hope I get to see her.
So happy to see her.
It cannot get here fast enough.
HURRY UP VACATION.
lol.
xo
b
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