thanks, water

Y'all have to pardon me lately-
My typos are there, as is the occasional absence of a space- my mom's keyboard here has been touched by a 2 year old. Melody dumped a can of 3-in-1 oil into  it (still works) and managed to rip 2 keys off. Unimportant brackets, but still- she did her damage. The spacebar doesn't work very well. I do my best to proofread, and keep the mental train on its tracks..... but I need a good keyboard to blog these- so pardon the watered down posts until I get back to my clickity clack keyboard.
Cancer is just like a 2 year old- destroying whatever it wants....not giving a shit what it does or its consequences.
i think I have said that before.

Solace is only in 1 spot.
The shower.
Taking a shower is my me time. This bullshit Oprah says to "make an hour of your day for YOU" does not apply to parents.I do not care how much I have to say "Ya know what- I need ME time!"- I will never get it. There is no me time. It's whenever I can get a free minute to think past bedtime.
So I take a shower.
I think, I cry, I meditate, I invent, I make peace with my body, I read the Bronner's bottle.
I said goodbye to my breasts. I was able to stand up in the warm water after surgery, it helped me in pregnancy and toothaches and late night ills and it was a place to go to warm up when we had no power after Sandy. That shower has always been there for me.
All that stuff- and I feel rejuvenated when I am done. There is nothing for me that a good long hot shower will not fix. Besides a late bill.
I love ...the shower.
All those Neulasta shot nights, bad chemo nights, the terrible leg pain, the sadness you get when it all caves in on you for just that day - just hop in the shower.
I give thanks for that water. That time. That only moment of solace in my day.
As long as the shower is clean, I am good to go.

hydration. shower. hurricane. It's a powerful thing that water.
Tomorrow-my shower is going to be mine again and we are all finally going home.
My mom has been great here- but the kids need their own spaces, Mark & I need our own spaces, and I just miss all the smells, and food, and my blanket. I just miss home.

Renewal, I feel.
I feel like I got that one chance in life (as unfortunate as it is) to start over. Clear it all out and start anew. Like razing a plot of land.
All that gunk inside, the weird breathing thing that I had for a few years, the bizarre green boogers that never went away- all of it is gone. I get to start with new hair, new insides, new everything. Granted the shit was posion and won't leave my system for a while- but it's a cut n burn.
I can only wonder what this new life will bring.

My mind is clear-
really nothing bothers me like it used to- it really is all small stuff.
In the big spectrum- tiny problems don;t deserve major play.
conserve your resources!!! LOVE!!! stop spreading hate and shit and stupid complaints. For reals.
Other people have it worse. trust me. Why bother, really?

I don't even feel like I even should be bitching myself because I have a home that I live in with all my stuff to go back to tomorrow.
Some don't have that.
And my cancer is gone.
Some don't have that either.

Ok. STFU time.

getting back to the beginning of this post- my typos are also caused by that lovely chemo brain too. Or anesthesia- I don't know what- but it's at the all time high - Dropping things, no coordination, no being able to find words..... Instant Dummy.
My head is not my own- I really hope that fog clears soon.
Arm is getting better! I am able to finally change a diaper! woohoo!
Still in no way ready to reach high- but I can change a diaper. That whole BS about not lifting over 5 lbs- ha. that didn't last long. I am not carrying Melody over long distances, but light quick lifting is what I do.
Real quick.
Don't tell a mom not to lift over5 lbs for 8 weeks. lol. yeah. right.

Overall- my time here is nigh---- I'll enjoy this last night at mom's - hang with my mom and the girls waiting for Mark to get back around 10:30. Recliner sleeping will be no more.

I also waited on my starting my Tamoxifen till tomorrow.... To keep the 9 going....
Radiation in 3 days. EEEEK.

onward.
loveyou all- have a wonderful evening.
(I type better on better keyboards-lol)

xo
b