Wowee- what an adventure we had today, now didn't we?
After feeling like such crap all day yesterday, I tried so hard to sleep last night. No luck- insomnia rules my evenings. I usually sleep on my stomach but since the new girls moved in, I have to find someplace else for the time being to get comfy in. ergh.
Combined with menopause symptoms, I sweat buckets all last night- then froze. then sweat. then froze.My sheets were soaked to the point where I thought I peed the bed in my sleep! eek!
Had nothing to do with the weather, but it's the Tamoxifen's side effects visiting and making themselves known more and more every day. finally get to bed at 4- alarm goes off at 6:30.
The nauseousness I think is also because of the Tamoxifen. It isn't helped by radiation, or stress either.
I escaped morning sickness with both my babies-now this. damn!
I don't sleep well, I haven't much of an appetite, and it's messing a lot with hormones and my moods and ugh. I suppose I'll get used to it, or totally sick of it.
Not a fan.
I made a conscious decision yesterday at 8 weeks post surgery to start back up with living the best I can, just going forward and pushing past the yuck the only way I know how. I'm a little apprehensive when I think about going back to work, I have no idea what that kind of work will be like. But it'll be ok- it'll all be ok.
I planned on walking the boardwalk every day or at least 3 times a week too but a hurricane took away my beach walk . boo.
So I have to find something else. As well as the wii fit, walking around a block or 9, trying yoga again and getting back into life. I'm not sitting on my ass here eating bon bons though. I don't watch much TV either. I go back to work in 4 weeks and normalcy is what I think needs to happen again slowly. This is a big ship to steer though. Not many people understand how much of a different life you need to lead after cancer. And even after the treatments are over- especially after the treatments are over- that life needs to be lived carefully still. I also have children, and I want to be around to see them get old. What cancer and treatments do to the body it also does to the brain. No doubt. The conscious healing continues well after any incision heals or hair grows back. This is not a common cold. I sense my arm will never be the same again either.
I am going to fight. And come back. And....never forget what's under my feet all the time.
So I woke up this morning- really psyched to get on with life, being conscious a little more with every minute of the day, charged up as a good new year always does...... exhausted from very little sleep though- but just super charged. Mark has been so great since Azie went back to school after break with getting up with both kids and letting me somewhat "rest in" for a little bit in the mornings. It's those little things that help so much. Soon they won't be there anymore and life goes back to normal.
Got ready for radiation day #5, and headed out the door.
I got to the hospital in record time of 18 minutes! And early. And then found out the "machine wasn't working properly" so there was a delay. But it was working now.
I swear every day I walk into this place there is something else. The woman who was there yesterday that had to have a "do-over"? - Her husband was waiting for her today. I hope she was ok.
By 10:30 I was out of there and headed back home.
We needed a serious recon mission to fill the fridge- which required a trip to Costco, which Mark and Melody accompanied me on since I cannot lift those boxes of water myself without sending myself to a hospital. I got home from radiation- and instead of lying down like I told myself I would do, I wanted to go out and do normal things as a normal person- Costco is normal life- so sure. I'll go. We'll all go as a big happy family. get our eggs and water and coffee and go home.
I left for Costco with this bizarre feeling of heartburn and hunger pains at the same time. I hadn't eaten yet that day, but I had snacks in the car so I figured I'd eat a bit on the way there.
It didn't take away that weird feeling though. I drove, pulled in fine. we even laughed at the radio personalities. Then I went to leave the car and it HURT to move. HURT like someone had balanced a serrated knife inside my right lung and shook it violently. If I stayed still , and breathed slowly, it stopped. but oh boy- OHBOY. if i mooooved..... it raged.
I tried to pass it off- then I told Mark to just run in, then I got scared and then I told him to call Mom Paramedic. She wasn't picking up.
By the third try I got her on the phone and was crying I was in so much pain. On that hospital scale of 1-10. I was 12.
My mom said to call 911. Then she said to drive to the hospital. Then she said call 911. Mark said he was going to the hospital. I had a choice between the terrible local hospital 5 minutes away and the one I just did rads in a 15 minutes up the parkway- after a very indecisive 2 minutes, and 2 red lights run (Mark was careful)- we got frustrated with Jersey highways and pulled over and called 911 in the Home Depot parking lot in Lakewood.
My first instinct is "Holy crap- I burned my lung at radiation!"
then.... "Holy Crap this hurts so bad I think it might be collapsed"
then....whatever. Just get the EMS and ambulance here. I was so scared, Mark was scared- I have never felt pain like this in my life.
I have a threshold of "physical pain in my life" pyramid.
Root Canal with No Novocaine>
Natural Childbirth>
Teenage Home piercing adventures>
Surgery>
Inner arm Tattoo>
Sewing machine needle through finger>
Paper Cut
It was in a cloud above the top of that pyramid.
What the f was this?!
I was crying out for help- it hurt. I don't cry out like that.
Then for a second I was thinking that this might be it.
I laughed and prayed that I never die in a Lakewood parking lot.
Lakewood EMS and Police came. and a medic unit with coincidentally my mom's 2 old partners from she was a paramedic. Henry and Al. Who are 2 men with a sense of humor that you cannot help but laugh at.
Great. On a scale of 1-10,I am a 12. 12!!!! Help ME.
I got into the ambulance is terrible pain, trying to not laugh at these guys, and we're headed to the hospital where I just had my rads done. On the way I asked Henry (Al drove) what he thought it might be. He said it could be suspicious of a pulmonary embolism since I just had surgery as well as being on the Tamoxifen, of which that blood clots are side effects of (In small amounts).
They also gave me 6mg or morphine which helped NICELY. Pain all gone I was able to stop crying for a change. I was put into the little booth in the ER with the more serious folks and waited. It was a busy day at the ER. The lady next to me had cellulitis in her ear and a blood sugar of 400. The man next to me smoked 2 packs a day and couldn't go to the bathroom. Crazy places those ERs. I've been to enough of them, it's interesting to see the dynamic of the people who work in them. It's my favorite part.... The people watching.
They should seriously make a TV show of an ER. It would be a hit.
Had an Xray, CAT scan(with contrast! 2 IV lines!!!! woohoo!) and a whole lot of questions. I also got to exercise the "No BP cuffs, sticks or IVs in this arm please" privilege. I got a special bracelet too. It said "LIMB ALERT" on it. I thought that was funny.
I am learning that 18-20 needles are the good to start and IV line for contrast. With just getting blood they can get away with a 22, but it isn't recommended. See? who needs medical school?
They also gave me a Percoset. So I'm all drugged up.
Those stupid pills again.
(I noticed that after you have cancer,and you go to the ER for whatever reason- they don't look at you like drug addict anymore. It's like the tattoos disappear! Nice eh?)
My mom sat with me in the ER as I had results come back, nothing. They found nothing but sent me off with a diagnosis of "pleurisy/ pleurisitic pain" and a script for solid Oxycodones in case in happened again.
I was freaked.
Earlier in the day, I was at the same hospital in a radiation oncology wing with a machine that "wasn't working right" that day.
Whoa.
Then I asked my attending doctor and he said the cat scan showed no evidence of radiation burning or damage. Nothing.
So something is giving me severe, and painful lung spasms. Incapacitating.
Tamoxifen. Stress. Radiation. Chemo Leftovers. Sleep Deprivation. ...all that crack I smoke...what could it be?
I am going to call Dr. Cairoli and Phyllis tomorrow to see what they think.
Another Day, Another Drama......
the hits never stop!
love....
xo
b
