Greetings and good morning~*
The hits on this blog doubled overnight in the last 3 days- wth?
Nice to have all of you here.... Thanks for being patient--- as you can see from my waning frequency- once again another treatment is kickin' my ass.
Had my first 5 days straight of rads, and it was interesting to see the wonder and glory of a 5 day run.
I'm a little worried about the arm that seems to have gotten a little funkier lately.... I was doing good, but I'm suspecting radiation to the armpit + scar tissue probably isn't the most exciting party right now. It hurts.
And I'm starting to be worried a little bit because even the smallest tasks are starting to be a bit difficult, all due to the arm and impending doom of the L word. Lymphedema.
Since I am without any lymph nodes in that right arm, there is a tendency of it to get extremely swollen and painful due to the inability for lymphatic fluid to drain properly throughout the arm. So it collects in the bum spot- causes a whole mess of pain- and then I am forced to wear these sleeves and gloves that compress the arm. Your arm swells up like a giant sausage. It could come on immediately or even years later- no one knows. So I live in the shadow of this right arm- a goodbye present from Armpit Shitshow's City Council.
It is constantly an achy arm, either dull or sharp, and it feels like I literally have tight cords inside my armpit that don't stretch all the way in place of tendons. Too much pushing and it starts to swell up.
Washing dishes, folding laundry, carrying my child- all this aggravates my arm. Typing even aggravates it. It is really frustrating and downright scary. Again- I am so glad I did not choose to play music with my hands as a profession. I do use my hands to draw and paint though and that's been difficult lately from the nerve damage that occurred. I have lost something so precious to my life at this point in time and I can only pray that i get it back. I am on the edge of possibly ruining my arm every day. I don't know the limit. But it's been pushed lately and it is royally annoying. and painful.
My right arm. My baby right arm, my lifelong best friend to carry out my vision- fucking broken.
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| better days of living and art before cancer....my right arm in its glory days. |
I'm really pissed that this shit had to happen on my good side. My art side.
Not even being able to make art now or possibly never again without problem is a very real possibility.
I suppose I should start to find a new way to adapt to my arm's limitations, maybe I should move on to the subject matter of one color canvases, start wearing blue sunglasses and berets in the evening, and name my works with nouns and numbers like "Train Station Number 2".
Pedantic drawings of females and fish and waves and swirlies are a thing of the past! I'm going YOKO.
Not really. But it was a great thought.
All I know is I am left with limited movement, and on the edge of a nasty painful condition if I push it too much.
Just missing my art a whole lot today. Going to see if I can find a new groove slowly...one that won't possibly cause permanent damage down the line.
I could punch a wall right now but even that would hurt it bad.
All that being said- this isn't bringing me down at all- it is just one of the many pains in the ass cancer causes. There's a new landscape to my health every week- Just trying to keep it pointed in a positive direction. Radiation makes you sooooooooooooooo tired. Tired to where you just hit a wall at 1pm. or at 5.
The side effects of the radiation are battling the side effects of Tamoxifen. Insomnia is being crushed by intense fatigue and I am actually sleeping. Third night in a row and I am dreaming again!
I like that. That's the best part about radiation. The being tired all the time. I welcome it.
The feeling like you are one of those rotisserie chickens at Costco is also a radiation side effect from you literally being microwaved and cooked in the so many words from the inside out. It is the strangest feeling of being burned inside, but most of you inside is completely numb from surgery- so maybe it's a good thing I can't feel all of this radiation. It sucks though. I can describe it as the feeling like your armpit being stuck down with velcro made of flesh- the feeling when you pull it apart is just what it feels like inside. The radiation is even going through my back- my chicken wing is all burny inside too. If that makes any sense?
So I am sleeping and dreaming and praying my arm comes back to 100%..... this is a very long and crazy road of healing that's going to be forever.
breast cancer is the gift that keeps on giving. ugh.
Today is a gorgeous day of almost 60 degrees, I'm going to take a drive with Mark and the kids to Mantoloking to see the houses and how they are doing building the island back together....
Enjoy every minute~
Much love*
b
