The third radiation on New Year's Eve. Fancy that.
I was hoping to be free of any treatments in 2013- but at least I won't have cancer going into 2013.
Today was a non-washcloth day.
Since it was New Year's Eve, I think they wanted to get out early so they had me come in at 8:30. Oof.
It was a nice quiet morning on the Garden State Parkway- the half hour drive isn't bad when there aren't any school buses or the old folks who drive 30mph in the left lane.
Went ok.
I'm tried now- a little nauseous- I hope I don't get a repeat performance of the last radiation day. Although it is six hours away from that dose and I am queasy. Wonderful. My arm has been a little puffy too for a few days. Little puffy is ok. Big puffy is not ok.
I can bitch and moan and rant about how this was the shittiest year ever- My husband fresh from the hospital because of a small stroke he had, major upheaval in the music, cancer, a hurricane, mastectomy, the spell check on Firefox suddenly not picking up spelling mistakes- ---life turned upside down.
My first instinct- fingers up with a large "F YOU" to 2012.
Then I had to stop- and rearrange.
I'm not going to curse 2012.
Every year has shit in it.
I think you know where I am going now- This is the part of the blog when I hold up the turd and show you that silver linings exist- even in turds.
Yup.
The "Cancer is a Gift" speech doesn't exist anymore though... Life is a gift is where I am going.
I won't run on an on spewing hippie things, love and peace and how life is grand now that I have seen it's underbelly. You know this already, but if the image of me you may have is that lady with the man's haircut running through flower fields all day crowing "life is sooooo perfect and awesome! You must Love it too!" - you are far from right.
Life for me this year has become school.
I don't like school- I never did - I was a college dropout who didn't think i needed art taught to me when I knew how to draw in the first place.
Well I thought I knew everything about cancer and how to handle it because my mom and dad had it. Piece of cake. Just get your chemo, rads, eat good food, and you are done! Happy Easy Cancer Time!
Nothing could be further from the truth.
I didn't know everything. I thought I did,
When I found myself in the driver's seat- It was 100% different. I was forced to find the good parts of each day. Like REALLY find them. Sometimes they are obvious, other times you have to dig through a proverbial couch in the cushions. When you get that breast cancer diagnosis, all of a sudden you are the only one. All of a sudden, nobody close to you knows how you feel, unless they have been through it too. Even still though- everyone's experience is unique, so the isolation of how it feels is multi-faceted...and kind of painful at times.
You are forced to comply with treatments, drag yourself out of bed to see 100 doctors, show your diseased breasts to all of them and they all have nothing to say but that you're doing great and what is expected of you. It's alone time inside. Then in the end, everything is cut off or removed and moved or whatever- but you do have to deal with somewhat being disfigured. Oh well.
Just a container. Now I am just funkier looking and a little dented. And still very much in school.
Where is all that good attitude when you have to deal with an intense chemotherapy, be at work through it all, raise 2 kids, provide for a family and keep your chin up through it all?
It's hard- but you HAVE to have it. Anything less than a good attitude and you might as well plan the funeral.
I won't change my fate by complaining. Complaining won't cure my cancer.
I can have a down day. But it isn't giving up.
You can be sure that in my head I am running through that flower field at least- and that's all that counts.
My 2013 has no outlook. I can make all the plans I want- I have come to know that nothing is ever definite. And everything is possible. I just need my health. Aging, at this point in life, is a privilege.
In the realm of the house, our goals are to get the living room painted, something I have wanted for the past 10 years. So now we are doing it. And soon we will find out how awesome it is to have a popcorn ceiling. and painting it. And I'm taking Mark's old shitty Fender acoustic and slowly making it a painting project.
Last year I started 2012 doing a different art project a day and blogging it. It stopped May 8th, 2012. The day before my world met cancer. This year, I'm just going to take it easy with the guitar and let it evolve on it's own. Maybe I'll finally meet Neil Diamond and he'll sign it, too.
Everything is possible, right?
Impossible is me doing much of any hard work either - I cannot tell you how frustrating not having a working right arm is. And if you push it, you suffer. I want to spackle, damnit!
I wanted to paint a mural on that wall, too. Thanks a LOT, breast cancer....jeez.
Unfortunately I cannot fold laundry or make beds much either.
Sad, I know.
Look at the mountains ahead of you, but don't ever take your eyes off what is under your feet.
In the past, New Years Eve was always MY day to party hard- get down and dance and do it up proper. I even wore evening gowns. Never a question.
Since having Melody, I haven't gone out at all on the 31st.
I'm much more comfortable at home, and I'm glad my husband doesn't have to work tonight.
Next year we'll get back in the saddle. New album is coming out with a bunch of friends, it should be a busy festival season with promotion and stuff.
Tonight I spend my last day of 2012 with my family, and my mom and we'll toast it all away for a better year ahead- but tomorrow never knows..... don't ever take your eyes off the now. I hope to be able to say "I beat cancer another year" for every New Year's Eve on out. And maybe I'll wear an evening gown too. I got these fabulous new boobs, why not?
make my gown sequined.
~happy new year~
xo
b
