Despite the day's greyness, it was a great day.
I woke up a little anxious, tired.... and I gave thanks for the blessings in my life as well as the curve balls in a short moment before getting out of bed today.
There's been so much news lately...a baby born, an old friend passing on, major changes.... Revolution begins with major change.... That revolution has to be based in love instead of fear for it to work. Fear is nothing but poison. The revolution could be in your head, or in your heart. Your town, or your country. Revolution breaks through.
Part of my reason for doing not to use negative words when speaking about cancer , is I feel that negativity disrupts whats already been disrupted. Speaking more garbage only breeds more garbage. Once you enter into that chemo room for the first time , you are an instant member of a club. Everyone talks, speaks their experiences, and every single person says that the attitude and the rising above the big C- the words, connotations, bad feelings---- is the key. I know this from my father firsthand.
People who are going through this for the 2nd and 3rd time, all say its attitude.
Azalea told me today that she was scared. She knew I would be ok, but she's still scared. I asked her what she was scared of and in so many words, it's the unknown. I told her that love & fear are two choices. You can love that bad crap and embrace it and hug the enemy and learn all you can from it, and use it to grow positively from....grow from it. Or you can be scared of it, hate it and not learn anything at all. She was surprised when I told her that in order for me to get better- I need to love that cancer. Learn. know it's weaknesses so I can bust it up and get it out. Laughing the entire time as it exits stage left. Because it's here for a reason, but I need to learn my lesson and have it move on..... She got it. She's a bright kid. Tomorrow is the last day of school!
10:30 appointment for chemo #3- I woke up and found that Melody was in a bad mood today. Sorry, hun. Probably sympathy nervous energy + the rain.
My mom picked me up and we headed out. a 50 mile ride through the Pine Barrens veiled in grey clouds. We got to Virtua ... it was a nice drive. I discovered that Virtua used to be the old Memorial Hospital in Burlington built in 1880. You can kinda tell it's old from it's layout and compactness within a residential neighborhood....I love that kinda stuff.
To Elevator B- 4th floor Fox Chase Oncology..... I found I lost 6 lbs since my last visit.
My bloodwork from saturday was excellent!! Phyllis the RN examined the tumors, and measured them with tape- The lymph node seems to have gotten a litte bit bigger.... and yay! the large breast tumor has shrunk! WE HAVE SHRINKAGE!
Fuck yeah. go me!
Chemo went ok, I went to the same 'quiet room' - because of the great vibe in there the first time. I'm not going in any other room from now on. I saw the same couple as last time in with the wife getting her chemo for her 2nd round of breast cancer. They got to meet my mom. I like them a whole lot. We used to have drinkin' buddies. Now I got a chemo buddy. Her name is Heather. Her husband James is great too. Good people.
Same round of AC, same immediate peeing red from the Adriamycin.....I wonder if I'll dream red again.
After this AC chemo- I'll be on the lovely selection of Taxol once a week for 12 weeks. 2 more AC's to go.....
Took half an Ativan this time. I still don't like them.
My nurse navigator dropped off that actual "So you have Cancer" magazine to me today. I laughed in my head when I saw it. With all the pictures of boobs in it, I'm only reading it for the articles. :)
My next chemo was moved to Monday June 25. Gah. more plans messed with. Work, Stonehenge.
That night is my bestest friend in the whole universe's 50th birthday too.
Bummer. First Bruce Hornsby, then Beth's 50th.
All this fun I'm missing will surely be made up for when I kick this mofuggin cancer and I'm gonna have a PARTY.
A nice rainy drive home and we stopped at the organic farm for some strawberries, chard and spinach. I missed the farm eggs. again. I want chickens someday.
Tomorrow is the Neulasta shot. eek. possible pains like a "baseball bat to the back" were described, as well as just achy and sore. I don't want a baseball bat.
Right now I feel like I have been up for 12 days straight, and I need to sleep. Thankfully. THANKFULLY Melody the Holy Terror today didn't take a nap and managed to pass out at 5:30. yeah! Looking forward to a hot shower, clean sheets (thanks hun) and resting to the raindrops. sweet bliss.
As I left chemo, I heard that music box lullabye play through the hospital when a new baby is born....
New revolution........
love*
xo
b
