Happy Saturday-
I neglected yesterday's post for the sheer point of forced relaxation- I felt like I got my ass kicked.
Had a normal radiation session at 9 as usual - I let the techs know about my ER visit and they kind of looked shocked. They told me I did the right thing. My mom drove me so I wouldn't be by myself.
I was just loving the new independence of driving by myself, when this crap happened. Now I am a little worried to go out alone. Currently I don't have a cell phone so I think I should get one now.
I had a nice day in with Melody. It is FREEZING outside, I would love to go for a walk though. I'm just reallllly tired. I can feel the burns starting to set in. It's like internal sunburn feeling right now. It stings a little inside too.
I called Dr. Cairoli at Virtua and left a message with the nurses to call me about the days previous event--- they called back- I didn't hear the phone ring. Phone Tag back and forth frustratingly to where I finally got to speak to a nurse and Dr. Cairoli was out until Monday. But Phyllis was in. So I explained to her the whole story and she was really helpful with talking about it. She didn't like at all the fact that it was so all of a sudden and not a gradual thing, and also suspected it may be a severed nerve ending somewhere. But no one knows. The hospital in Mount Holly was able to get all the films from Toms River and reports and stuff as of yesterday at closing, so Dr. Cairoli and Phyllis will have a nice project to look at Monday.
Until then, I was told to keep Tums on hand in case it happened again- it could be digestive as well.... ???? My esophagus is also in the radiation field as well, says the nurse. She also told me if I thought I was tired now, to wait until I get further into radiation....and that it's not a walk in the park.
But the nurse said to me that I should step back and realize what my body has been through- chemo, then surgery and then radiation - my body keeps trying to heal and then something else happens to it. If my body reacts - it's for a good reason. There's lots of factors here. It's just crazy. Not to mention that I'm stressed out a lot. I'm trying not to be, and meditating and breathing and typing here helps immesnely. Anxiety is a side effect of Tamoxifen too. Anxiety in someone who just learned to not be so anxious. One step forward, two steps back! hah hah!
If I breathe deep, I can feel a little achiness inside my lung. It's definitely my lungs. My lungs do not like me very much- between all the pneumonias, weird ER visits for breathing problems, weeks of bronchitis in my 20s, my lungs have put me through hell. I don't blame them after the fact I put cigarette smoke in them for 21 years. But that is neither here, not there. Good thing I live in the part of Jersey that's overhwelmed by ocean air and not factory air at least.
I can feel it though. It's there in my lung.
We had a nice dinner at mom's house last night and she kept the kids for the night. Mark and I had a really nice night watching a movie and laughing and hanging out sans a crying kid. It was a little selfish moment. lol. Originally I had wanted to go up and see a show, but there was no way I was leaving the house feeling like I was. No way. It started again though as ther night went on...... I got a real mild stabbing pain as I was lying in bed and I stayed still, meditated, and wound up falling asleep surprisingly. My body was exhausted.
So it never got back, but I felt the initial feeling again last night.
I'm just tired. Tired of living like this in pain or with side effects these days- it's like- ENOUGH. I would love to complete one simple task without feeling sick or not able to move 100%. I do it anyway, but this crap is getting old. I need to get a pair of sneakers and get the hell out and walking and see if it makes it go away.
The Tamoxifen I need to discuss with Phyllis on Monday. These side effects aren't good. I'm not making peace with them....nights especially. I don't sleep because I am either anxious, awake and sweating my ass off, freezing with teeth chattering, or having a nightmare. This drug also gives you a beard and morning sickness. Yay. And I'm wanting to refuse to take any more drugs- not even to sleep. I'm so sick of pills.
If this lung, rib, crazy thing is because of Tamoxifen, I am forced to make a decision to either start a new drug or go off of them all together and live a life of being open to new cancer cells if they decide to visit me. This is the crap I think about constantly. My mind is a constant stream of thought and conversation these days. I have so much to always think about and remember.I'm not me on these things. Not me at all.
On the upside, my hair is growing back so nicely and I dyed it lavender yesterday too. I like it :)
Melody loves her new comfy pillows and fell asleep in my arms 2 seconds after this picture was taken during dinner at Mom's. (see fox news channel in background-lol). I am now able to hold her gently. I love that.
Radiation #7 is on Monday and it'll be the first time I'll be rocking 5 in a row. eek. Better days are ahead.
love
xo
b
