& what a zany torso it is!!!!

Hiiii alllll.

4 days post surgery----- and all I gotta say is Wow. If I thought chemo was crazy- this is probably crazier.

I went into the hospital for a quick radioactive injection the night before----  and we just all had a great dinner out at the Vincetown Diner (best NJ diner EVER) and a nice family night in after making it back to a nice Hampton Inn suite with my husband and children for the night. My husband and I just held each other until we went to sleep. The previous trip of the day finally put me at ease and ready to do this.

I figured I wouldn't even be awake for the scariest part if it- so why would it matter anyway?

Friday morning::

I woke up refreshed and had about 45 minutes to get the family up and out- my mom would be meeting us there at 6:30. We made it to Virtua at 5:45/ AM. Opened the bar we did.
A whole bunch of pre-prep- meeting the anesthesiologist-It felt like being prepped for a press conference or some shit like that. crazy. questions I have answered 100 times. All that worrying about the last bits of glitter toenail polish I couldn't get off and they stripped me naked and then put 2 big pairs of socks on me. wtf?
My husband watched as Dr Patel came in, said hello and drew all over my torso with a marker and Mark said he would punch him if he was any other guy. He asked if I had any questions and I just said "make them as large as you can. please.... I ate ice cream all summer for this!!!!!!"
and ya know what?
He LAUGHED.
I got my wish.
Dr. Miller laughed too. and then told me he had a patient once who complained about them being too big once.
It was a fun uncomfortable jovial moment of being the only female in a crowd of about 4 men who were about to see me naked and unconscious on a table and my husband.
My plans set- we went in. The last thing I remember is George Lucas Anesthesiologist commenting on the dancing bear tattoos. A kind of secret code for us deadheads to identify each other in times of seriousness I guess.
Alien probe lights- the operation room was massive. and with a LOT of people. and hemostats.
I started to get nervous and cry- they told me to stop and I don't remember much after the oxygen mask went on my face.
I barely recall dreaming- I do remember one last thought of needing to shut a dresser drawer because surgery was over.
I hope I get more details of that.
OUT...
after-I was wheeled into a gian troom with the other alien probe victims and I got to see my mom, husband and 2 kids who had waited patienly for 8 hours for me.
Good family I have,. I just love them.
so much.

I spent the frist 24 hours in the ICU- discovering all the new things that were done to me by doctors and techs. I had a catheter (ew. glad I was out for that one). I had been sliced from hip to hip. They pulled my skin down to about hip level- using the leftover skin to sew on flat blank nipples to replace the ones they removed. I got a new bellybutton sewed on too. And drains.
I woke up to a slightly larger set of crazy horror movie looking breasts- peeking out of a seriously gauze packed compression bra. They cut holes int he nipple parts so the un-nipples could peek out for testing.
The offical surgery is officially a DIEP Flap surgery. Google it to see what they did to me. Good times.
Basically what they did was take every bit of fat out of my belly- then sew it down as tight as possible, reattached a belly button. In the breasts- they cut a hole and dug out my old breasts, and made new breasts using the fat-with Dr. Patel actually creating a new vein and new artery for each one. Blood supply needs to be had for living tissue to do that.(The man proved himself to be quite the tailor) Nice stitch work.
And drains.
I have tubing coming out of 6 parts of my body- 2 down below the abdomen stitching and 2 under each armpit. They are attached to squeeze bulbs that collect drained lymphatic fluid and blood.
Naked, I look like some creature that walks into the bar in Star Wars. For real.
here's a weird hand drawn diagram....strange and badly drawn for educational purposes only.(foot has been shown unedited for lack of eraser only)
All the cut up and sewn areas.... IT MAKES A HAPPY FACE! :0)
isn't it twisted? (bruises and nicks will be left to the imagination- dotted lines indicate where the deep stitches are)

I was kept in the ICU to monitor the arteries' blood flow (with a Doppler every hour) and then moved to the regular floor for 2 more days.
I was harrased by phsycial therapy (I walked a whole bunch. It is very difficult at first- but it is necessary to hunch over because standing up tall with rip out abdomen stitches), experienced some of the best nursing and nurses I have ever had, and was prepared to go home with a new body and patiently await pathology results.
Even though I did not put any religion on my paperwork- a rabbi came into my room and we interdenominationally prayed. in Hebrew.
It was great.
Dr Miller came to see me and pretty much let me go Monday- we both kinda didn't want me to be there any much longer as the hospital floor was very crammed and small and not kept very clean by maintenance.Plus he told me I looked awesome and was recovering a lot faster than most- and to enjoy home instead of a sweaty nasty hospital room. I was thankful to have a private room up until the last day I was there.
Privacy in this kind of state is essential.
What i was mega grateful for though was that I was next to the window and YOU COULD OPEN THE WINDOW. Hospitals do not usually have this. Happy DAY. with a strange 3 nights of mild weather- sleeping next to that open window was a gift. I probably flashed my sewed up torso tons to Madison Ave of Mount Holly a lot too. I don't care. No one would throw beads at this cut up flesh container at Mardi Gras.

I have no feeling at all in my chest or left armpit area. Eternal novocaine numbing. all gone.
I have to walk with a walker until I feel better and I'm being fed painkillers constantly. It sucks. I won't lie- but I'm glad I didn't have all of my hair during this. and I'm glad I did the chemo first.

now we wait for pathology.

Dr Miller should call me with results any day now.
I am currently recovering at my moms, who is making sure I have hot meals, clean sheets and clean surroundings. The care is great. My mom has been the best.  Someone give her vacation please when we get past this.
I am far from any type of partying or having friends over for wine or anything remotely resembling that. I just had a surgical hurricane hit my body. Done, there is no ladies night for this at all. You have no idea, friend who made light of this and thinks next week I'll be down to "hang". NO.
Overall- this is the next to last step for my immediate journey- but the reality is I will be fighting this for the REST OF MY LIFE. It will never go away and threat of its return WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.

....
as of this typing- I am very exhausted- starting to hurt and needing bed- but I just wanted to update y'all on what's the haps so far , how it's going and all that.
My husband needs sainthood after this in case anyone reading this is in the canonization business.....



More later...... I am tired and NEED BED. Torso needs a new day to heal.

life goes on tomorrow~

much love*
b